


Wicked Games

by Rebelguitargirl2015



Category: Clexa-fandom, The 100 (TV)
Genre: A little angst, Blow Jobs, Car Sex, F/F, Friends With Benefits, G!p Lexa, Masturbation, Oral Sex, Rough Sex, Shower Sex, Smut, Trip to Hawaii, discontinued, jealous! Clarke
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-01-16
Updated: 2017-08-01
Packaged: 2018-09-18 00:11:02
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 17
Words: 52,927
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9352790
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Rebelguitargirl2015/pseuds/Rebelguitargirl2015
Summary: Clarke and Lexa have many sexapades before they are forced to comfort their feelings while trying to fulfill their lifelong dreams.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Lol. I'm sorry.

"You're late." Raven opened the door revealing Lexa. She was in a simple band shirt and some black skinny jeans.

"I know. I got held up at work, then I had to go home and shower and get changed but I'm here now." Lexa explained.

"Hmm, you're lucky I like you. Alright, come in. Get some food, the movie is about to start." Raven said with a smirk.

Lexa happily obeyed, she had just finished her shift at the bar and was hungry. She grabbed two slices of pizza and some chips followed by a soda. She made her way into the little den.

"Oh, I'm sorry, Lexa. This is what happens when you get here late. You're going to have to sit with Clarke." Raven said apologetically.

Clarke was seated in a recliner, really only big enough for one. All the other couches and seats and bean bags were taken. Harper and Monroe were in one of the bean bags. Lincoln, Anya, Octavia and Raven occupied the couch. Miller was sat in the other recliner on the other side of the couch and Jasper and Monty had a bean bag each. The only other seat was with Clarke. Lexa didn't mind though. Clarke was like one of her best friends and they had been sleeping together for a little over a month. No one in their friend group knew about it they didn't want to get bombarded with questions they didn't know the answers to. The last time they hooked up was when Anya, Lexa's roommate, was out with Raven. They don't really talk about it. Whenever they hand out and don't have sex, they act normal around each other. Maybe a few touches here or there.

Clarke had a huge, furry, black blanket wrapped draped around her and she scooted over so Lexa could sit on the side with the table on it so she could put her food down.

Clarke gave her a flirty smile as she sat down and Lexa almost dropped her food. Maybe she should go and sit with Miller. She couldn't think it over because Raven demanded that everyone stay seated as she went to go turn off the lights. It was pitch black and Lexa started eating.

* * *

Lexa thought Clarke was just trying to get more comfortable when her hand landed In her lap and squeezed a bit. Lexa thought nothing off it. Lexa had a penis, everyone in their friend group knew that. No one thought nothing of it and Lexa was grateful, that didn't mean they didn't ask questions.

_No, I didn't hook up with a lot of girls in high school._

_I was born intersex. My parents thought for the longest time that I was a boy until my hair grew to long and I had breast._

_I mostly wear compression shorts to hide it._

Those were the basic questions and she thanked god that they didn't ask anymore questions. She was glad she found a group of friends so accepting. When she was in high school, she would always get picked on.

Her thoughts were soon interrupted when Clarke squeezed her again. Lexa gave her a questioning look but Clarke wasn't looking at her. The movie was blasting and everyone was into it. They were watching  _Transformers_. They were set out to watch all three of them. Lexa had already seen this movie many time but she didn't mind watching it again.

Lexa felt Clarke unbuttoned her pants and pull down her zipper. That's when Lexa caught Clarke's wrist.

"What are you going?" Lexa hissed lowly.

Clarke looked at her form underneath her eyelashes. Lexa knew that look. Lexa noticed how dark her ocean blue eyes were. They were like a clear night sky.

"Shh, or you are going to get us caught. Unless you want me to stop." That was all Clarke said.

It made Lexa twitch. No one could see what they were doing underneath this thick blanket. Lexa though about it. Was Clarke really about to give her a hand job in a room full of her friends? Lexa thought that idea would turn her off but it only made her more hard. Lexa nodded to Clarke and Clarke sprang into action.

"Pull your pants down and your boxers." Clarke said into her ear, followed by a little nibble.

Lexa obeyed, pulling down her pants as far as she could along with her boxers. She felt her dick hit her stomach, she was already hard.

She had to bite down on her hand when she felt one of Clarke's hand wrap around the base of her cock and stroke it, from the base all the way to the head. Clarke's palm enclosed around the head of Lexa's dick and Lexa bite down even harder on her hand, drawing some blood. She could see Clarke smirking in the dark.

"Clarke, please." Lexa said, there was no way she was going to last long.

Clarke nodded and started to jerk her off. Base to head, half of her length to the head, she even cupped her balls. Lexa couldn't help but let out a quiet moan at that. Clarke kept with this rhythm for a good two minutes. Her movements were slow and Lexa wanted to scream out In frustration. Clarke must've gotten the hint because she started moving faster. Lexa couldn't help but start panting a bit as she felt a bit of pre-cum drip from the head of her dick. Clarke used her pre-cum to jerk her off even faster. Lexa lasted all but thirty more seconds before she felt her balls tighten and release her load into Clarke's hand, a little bit may or may not have gotten on Raven's blanket.

Clarke brought her hand up to her mouth and licked Lexa's cum off of it like it was nothing. Lexa was still hard and Clarke knew it.

"Can we go upstairs?" Lexa asked, breathlessly.

"To my room?" Clarke asked back.

Lexa shook her head, "Yes but I want to fuck you in the bathroom." Lexa said. She knew Clarke was turned on, there was no denying it so Clarke nodded. She wordlessly got up, careful not to expose Lexa and walked off to go upstairs. Lexa quickly pulled her boxers and pants up. She sat still for a while looking everyone over. No one was paying attention, everyone's eyes were on the flat screen. Lexa secretly smiled and made her way upstairs.

Lexa walked into Clarke's room and into her bathroom. She stopped short when she saw Clarke in a lacy black bra and panties. She must've been lingering for a little to long because Clarke cleared her throat.

"My eyes are up here." Lexa looked Clarke deep in her eyes as she closed the bathroom door and locked it.

She wasted no time pulling her shirt off her and going over to give Clarke a kiss. Clarke's mouth opened up beneath Lexa's and Lexa slipped her tongue into her mouth. They both moaned. This was dirty, and hot and wet and Lexa was uncomfortably hard. Lexa started kissing down Clarke's neck, stopping at one spot in particular and sucking. Clarke moaned and Lexa unbuttoned her pants and pulled then down along with her boxers. Clarke broke away from Lexa to get down on her knees. Clarke pushed Lexa back into her counter and wasted no time taking the head of Lexa's dick into her mouth. Lexa let out a moan this time. Clarke's mouth was hot and her lips wrapped perfectly around the head of her cock. She took the whole length of Lexa into her both and Lexa tried not to cum. She already did, she wanted to make Clarke cum. She enjoyed Clarke sucking her dick for a few minutes, not looking down because if she did, she knew she was going to cum.

Lexa stopped Clarke by the shoulders and Clarke got up. Lexa lifted her back up on the counter before she took Clarke's underwear off. The though of having sex with Lexa while all of their friends were downstairs made her even more wet. She quickly unhooked her bra and braced herself against Lexa's shoulders. Lexa pulled Clarke closer to the edge of the counter, thankful that it wasn't just a sink and there was plenty of counter space. Clarke closed her eyes and prepared for the intrusion. Lexa was huge. They've only been having sex for the past month and it still takes Clarke's breath away that Lexa is a petite girl but she has an eight and a half inch dick.

Lexa slid right into Clarke. She was _soaked._ Lexa didn't slide all the way in, she knew Clarke needed time to adjust. Instead, she took Clarke's nipple into her mouth and sucked until she felt Clarke nod. Lexa bottomed out into her and they both moaned. Clarke was wet and hot and squeezing Lexa's just right.

Lexa started to thrust in and out of Clarke and Clarke was a withering mess. She clung to Lexa, her lips attached to her neck as Lexa started to speed up. Lexa had one hand on the counter and the other of Clarke's side. She started to pound into her. There was no place else she wanted to be. She loved having sex with Clarke. She loved- _No-_ She can't think about that right now. She has more important things to do. Like, kissing Clarke. She loved kissing Clarke, her lips were so soft and her tongue was wet and hot. She knew Clarke wasn't going to last much longer when she started whimpering.

" _Oh, fuck, Lexa. Don't stop."_   Clarke begged.

Lexa wasn't going to stop. She never wanted to but she wanted to see Clarke come undone. She needed to.

" _Come for me, Clarke."_   Lexa moaned back. She let the 'k' pop knowing that Clarke loved it and soon Clarke locked both legs around Lexa's hops as Lexa felt Clarke's juice's run down her dick. Clarke's head was thrown back and she let out a loud-strangled moan. Lexa quickly pulled out of Clarke and wrapped a hand around the base of her cock, she didn't want to come yet.

"Turn around." Lexa said and Clarke did. She down off the counter on unstable legs, Lexa was quick to steady her and before she turned around the two shared a kiss. It was _long,_ a throw off to all the quick kisses they shared. It was _passionate_ , the complete opposite of what they wanted. This was suppose to be a quick hook-up but they couldn't help themselves. They pulled apart after a few more seconds and they both looked at each other with dark pupils.

They didn't saw anything. Clarke just turned around, ass out and said, "Fuck me."

And Lexa did, with everything in her. She took Clarke from behind, ramming into her. Their skin slapped together in the quiet of the bathroom, their moans mixed together and at one point, they locked eyes into the mirror as Lexa was pounded into Clarke. It was to much for Lexa, but she didn't want to cum yet.

She put one hand of Clarke's hip and the other snuck down to rub at her clit. She could feel Clarke tighten around her dick, she was going to cum.

" _Oh, fuck, Lexa. Oh, my god... Ahhh... I'm gonna-"_ Clarke didn't finish her sentence as her walls came crashing down around Lexa's dick. They were both panting and they were both starting to sweat but Lexa wasn't finished.

There was a huge carpet in the middle of the bathroom and Lexa went to go lay down on it. Her dick was at It's full height and was shining with Clarke's arousal. She bent her finger in a 'come here' motion. Clarke walked over to her and was about to straddle her when Lexa shook her head.

"Turn around." She said. She saw Clarke's sly smile and turned around. Ass on full display for Lexa, she wanted to take her reverse cowgirl. Clarke straddled Lexa hips and Lexa drew her legs up, causing Clarke to do the same thing. Clarke had her arms on either side of Lexa's head as Lexa slid in. Lexa bottomed out all the way and she was in _deep._ She was surrounded by nothing but wet heat and she knew she was going to cum any minute. She started to thrust her hips up into Clarke, as Clarke thrusted down. Lexa couldn't help but groan every other thrust. She was close and Clarke felt so good.

"You gonna cum?" Clarke asked in between moans. Lexa was pounding into her just right. Lexa nodded until she realized that Clarke couldn't see her.

"Yes." She groaned.

"Cum inside me." Clarke said and this made Lexa slow down a bit, causing Clarke to whine.

"Are you sure?" Lexa asked.

Clarke looked back at her and said, "Yes."

So, Lexa sped up again, creating a slapping sound that echoed in the bathroom. She was close and Clarke's wall kept squeezing down on her.

 _"I'm gonna cum."_ Clarke whined and Lexa nodded, so was she.

Clarke was the first to cum. She threw her head back and let out a loud groan, followed by some curse words Lexa's couldn't quite make out. Clarke's walls trapped Lexa in and Lexa couldn't hold her load back any longer. She shot her load into Clarke and they both groaned.

Lexa removed her now soft dick from inside Clarke and they both got up and got dress. They shared a few kissed here and there.

They were walking down the stairs when Clarke said, "You should come back over tomorrow night. Rae and O work late tomorrow and I want to continue what we just did in my bedroom."

Lexa happily nodded and they both shared a smile before they walked back into the den just in time for the first movie to end and the second one to begin.

No one knew they even left.

 


	2. Period pains

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Lexa goes over to Clarke's for a booty call. Clarke feels like shit.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm in need of a beta. I could really use one so if anyone wants to help me out, please contact me.

"So, what are you doing tonight?" Anya asked Lexa while the two ate lunch. It was the next day after Lexa and Clarke had sex during the movie night. Lexa stopped chewing her cheeseburger. She was suppose to be going over to Clarke's for a hook-up and she didn't want to tell Anya that.

"Um, not much. I might go over and see Clarke for a bit. Why?" Lexa asked warily, she didn't want to be dragged anywhere tonight, she wanted to go to Clarke's.

"Roan and I were going to go out for a couple of beers since Raven is working late tonight. I was wondering if you wanted to come?" Anya asked with a hopeful smile and for a minute, Lexa felt bad that she was going to say no. But _only_ for a minute.

"I'm sorry, An. Me and Clarke were going to study together." Yeah, _study._

"Are you serious? On a Friday?" Anya asked, incredulously.

"Yes, Clarke is pre-mad and I'm pre-law, we are very busy." Lexa said as a matter-of-fact. It was true but it wasn't necessarily true for this occasion.

"Oh, sure. Use that card. Besides, I know you two are like two-peas-in-a-pod. Don't worry, I'm not jealous as long as you love me more." Anya said, half-joking.

"Of course, I do." And Lexa did love Anya more as a best friend. With Clarke, Lexa already knew it was a different type of love.

"Alright, fine but next time you are coming out with me." Anya said and Lexa just nodded, she could do that.

* * *

Lexa didn't know what to wear. She knew that this was nothing more than a hook-up. Does she wear something easy to get out of? Like sweatpants. Does she try to impress Clarke and wear formal clothes? Lexa really didn't know. Lexa simply went for a pair of dark skinny jeans and a loose white button-up. Formal but not to formal. She wanted to impress Clarke, after all. She was wearing a simple black bra and Calvin Klein boxer briefs.

Lexa headed over to Clarke's in her 2013 Black Terrain. She headed up the stairs and knocked on the door. She was a little worried when she had to wait for a few minutes before she heard any movement. She was about to knock again when the door swung open.

Clarke looked _terrible._ Her face was flushed, and not in the good way. Her eyes were rimmed red like she's been crying and she had the black furry blanket from last night wrapped around her.

"Clarke?" Lexa questioned, worried.

"Hey, I'm sorry. Can we take a rain-check on the sex tonight? I got my period" Clarke groggily asked.

Lexa almost melted as Clarke moved to the side a little to let her in.

"Of course we can, have you taken anything for it?" Lexa questioned.

"No, we ran out of midol and I've been trying to get out of bed for a while now." _That's_ why it looked so long for Clarke to answer the door, She was sleeping.

"Oh, alright okay. You stay here, I'll be right back." Lexa said in a rush. She couldn't even hear her response before she was out the door.

* * *

Lexa's first stopped was at the pizza place not to far from Clarke's apartment, Pizza Boli's. She placed an order for a large cheese pizza and a Hawaiian pizza. She wasn't sure what Clarke was in the mood for. She then went over to 7-eleven, which was across the street. She grabbed some chocolate with caramel in it, she grabbed Clarke's favorite chocolate bar, the Milky Way. She got her some sour gummy worms for herself  and three chocolate muffins for Clarke to eat tomorrow morning. She also got two bags of chips, one barbeque for Clarke and one cheddar and sour cream for herself. And because she is weak and cannot resist, she got two slurpees, one coke for herself and one coke and blue raspberry for Clarke. Lexa paid for everything and made a quick stop into CVS to get Clarke some midol. By the time she was done with all of that, the pizza was done and she went to go pick it up, heading back to Clarke's apartment.

She had to much stuff in her hands, so she gave a swift kick to the door, seconds later Clarke answered the door and it was apparent that she had been crying.

"Hey, what's wrong?" Lexa asked over the amount of stuff she was carrying. She went straight to the kitchen so she can put everything down and then turned her attention back to Clarke.

"It's nothing." Clarke said and Lexa wasn't buying it. Clearly, her face conveyed that because Clarke explained, "I just thought you weren't coming back. I mean you left and never contacted me or anything. I don't know, it was stupid."

It dawned on Lexa that she hadn't given Clarke any confirmation that she would indeed be back. She said she would but she now realized that she has been gone for an hour without any explanation.

"I'm sorry, I really am. But look, I got pizza. Cheese and Hawaiian, I wasn't sure which one you wanted. I got chocolate muffins for you tomorrow for breakfast and your favorite chocolates and a slurpee. I even picked up some midol. I'm sorry I didn't contact you." Lexa said in a rush.

Clarke was looking at her and then looked down at table as if she was just now noticing all the things Lexa went to go get for her. Clarke was looking at her with any expression Lexa couldn't quite place. Her eyes were soft and red and she was in sweatpants but Lexa thought she looked absolutely _beautiful._

"Thank you." Clarke said and she looked like she was going to cry again. She pulled Lexa in for a hug and Lexa wrapped her arms around her waist as Clarke wrapped her arms around Lexa's neck. They stayed like that for a while and if you asked anyone, they would say that it was too long of a hug to just be friends.

Clarke placed a little kiss towards the bottom of Lexa's neck and Lexa wished Clarke wasn't on her period because she would take her right on this table.

"Do you think we can eat so I can take some midol?' Clarke asked in a small voice. She was just so darn _cute._

"Of course, we can even binge watch Grey's Anatomy." Lexa announced.

Clarke said no more as she got two places for their pizza. Lexa felt proud of herself for this was the first time Clarke smiled since she's been here.

* * *

After they ate and watched an ungodly amount of Grey's Anatomy, Clarke went to go to take her midol. The color to her cheeks were coming back a bit and Lexa was grateful for that.

"Do you think we can move this upstairs? I haven't showered all day and I really want to." Clarke said once she entered the room again.

"Sure." Lexa said and she went to go grab the snacks she got them and take them upstairs with her.

"You can go change into something more comfortable than that by the way you look really hot." Clarke gave her a sweet smile and Lexa blushed.

Lexa went upstairs after Clarke and changed into some of her dark grey, baggy sweatpants and a faded black band shirt. Lexa turned on Clarke's TV while she went to go shower. This wasn't entirely how she wanted her night to go but she was glad that she still got to spend it with Clarke. _God, she was in-love._

When Clarke came out of the bathroom, she was fully dressed in a new pair of black, baggy sweatpants and a white shirt. Lexa noticed that she wasn't wearing a bra. She didn't mean to leer but she couldn't help herself. She looked back up and caught Clarke's eyes, she was wearing a small smirk.

"Sorry." Lexa said, sheepishly.

"Don't be. I know you are a boob girl, although you appreciate my ass too." Clarke said as she climbed into the right side of the bed.

"You're right," Lexa said with a light chuckle, "And is this okay? We can change it if you want?" Lexa asked she was currently watching Bob's Burgers.

"No, this is fine. You put up with Grey's Anatomy for a couple of hours and besides, I like this show."

And with that, the two of them cuddle up under Clarke's comforter to watch the show.

After the fourth episode of Bob's Burgers Clarke said, "I'm sorry for running your night."

Lexa turned her head to look at Clarke.

"You didn't ruin my night, Clarke." Lexa stated.

"Oh, really? So, you're fine that we didn't have sex tonight?" Clarke asked incredulously.

"I mean, I would've like too but it's completely fine that we aren't." Lexa said and Clarke hummed an agreement but said nothing more.

They got half-way through the episode before Clarke spoke again.

"Do you think we could like... make out for a bit?" Clarke asked shyly.

They have had various make-out sessions before, but it was clear when it was going to lead to a hook-up or not. When they hook-up, they tended to go straight for it, other times all they had time for is a make-out session. Lexa was happy that Clarke suggested that. She just wanted to be with Clarke in anyway and clearly Clarke felt the same or else, she wouldn't have suggested to make-out

Lexa felt herself nodding, it was dark in Clarke's room aside from the lamp light that was on, on her desk a few feet away and the faint glow of the TV light. Clarke laid down as Lexa got on top of her. She looked down at Clarke and she saw that night sky again, her eyes were clouded with lust and Lexa didn't waste anymore time as she leaned down and capture Clarke's bottom lip.

Lexa wasn't sure who moaned first the second their lips met. It felt like coming home. Clarke immediately deepened the kiss and Lexa slipped her tongue in her mouth. They fought for dominance for a few minutes and Lexa could feel the blood rushing to her dick, she was getting hard. She needed to pull away.

"Everything okay?" Clarke asked a little breathless. Lexa had gotten off of her and propped herself on her elbow to look down at Clarke.

"Fine," Lexa squeaked, "I'm just getting hard is all." Lexa said while she avoided eye contact. She saw out of the corner of her eye that Clarke was chewing her bottom lip, lost in thought.

"I can suck your dick, if you want." Clarke suggested softly as if Lexa was going to reject it.

She did.

"That's okay, Clarke." Lexa said and Clarke looked down. There was a tent in Lexa's sweatpants.

"Doesn't look like it." Clarke said huskily.

"I don't want you to feel left out." Lexa admitted.

"I'll be fine, Lexa. I love sucking your dick." Clarke explained.

There wasn't need for more convention after that. Lexa laid down on her back and took her sweats off, followed by her boxers.

Clarke sat up and kissed her for a few minutes before she started heading down her body. She settled in between Lexa's legs and wrapped her left hand around the base of her dick. She didn't waste any time and she wrapped her lips around the head of Lexa's dick and tugged. Lexa gave an unconsciously jerk of her hips which made Clarke groan and take her deeper. She bobbed her head up and down a few times and Lexa let out a little whine. Clarke's mouth felt amazing around her dick, it was so hot and wet. Clarke took as much of her length as she could and then cupped Lexa's balls in her left hand. Lexa couldn't help when she let out a loud moan.

Lexa felt like she was going to cry when Clarke stopped suddenly.

"I wanna try something." Clarke wiped at her mouth and she had a little glint in her eye.

Lexa was still reveling from Clarke sucking her dick. She looked down at Clarke and asked, "What?"

"I want you to sit on my stomach and I want you to thrust your dick in between my boobs until you cum." Clarke said huskily.

Lexa just gaped at her and almost came at the mere thought of doing that. Did she really want her to do that? They have never tried to do that and Lexa had seen people do it on porn sites, She always wanted to try it.

"Are you serious?" Lexa asked, just to make sure.

"Yes." And with that Clarke took her shirt off and laid flat on her back.

Lexa hesitated but soon found herself hovering over Clarke, she leaned down to give her a short kiss and then straddled her upper body. Clarke pushed her boobs together and Lexa felt herself grow harder, if that were even possible. Lexa put her dick in between the tight space Clarke had created between her boobs. They locked eyes before Lexa started moving, Clarke gave her a sweet smile and an encouraging nod and Lexa started moving.

She gave a short thrust. It was easy to glide in from Clarke sucking her dick earlier. But she also didn't want to be hurt her. She gave another short, light thrust before Clarke said, "Lex, go faster and harder."

Lexa put her hands out on either side of Clarke's head and started to thrust into the tight space with abandon. It felt so good and Lexa never wanted to stop. Clarke stretched her head up to give Lexa more room. Lexa felt herself going faster. She couldn't help herself, She was really worked up, her thighs would clench and unclench around Clarke's sides as she went faster.

Clarke started giving encouraging moans and Lexa felt her orgasm creep up on her. She felt her balls tightened and she could feel her orgasm coming.

She quickly got off of Clarke and started pumping her dick furiously, she let out a low groan when she felt the first spurt of cum come out and land across Clarke's face while the rest of it landed into Clarke's now open mouth. Lexa pumped her dick for a few more seconds before it started going soft.

"I'll go get you some tissue." Lexa said and she rushed off into the bathroom.

Clarke didn't looked bothered at all, it wasn't the first time Lexa came on her face.

"That was hot." Clarke said as Lexa returned. Lexa blushed but she agreed.

"We should do that more often." Clarke added and Lexa verbally agreed.

"We should." Lexa leaned down and gave Clarke a kiss which Clarke quickly returned.

They both got dress and got into bed as if nothing happened.

Clarke let out a long yawn and said, "Will you stay the night?"

"There is no where else I would rather be." Lexa responded.


	3. Roadtrip

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Clarke and Lexa go on a road trip and a lot of sin happens.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you all for the support, it means a lot! (:

"I can't believe you talked me into this." Lexa said annoyed at the blonde hair girl.

"Oh, please. It's not like you were going to do anything this weekend, and besides we are going to San Francisco, you love San Francisco." Clarke dimissed her.

Lexa stayed quiet because she knew Clarke was right. But she also just wanted to spend some time with her. It had been a couple weeks since they last hooked-up, not to mention when Clarke was on her period. Lexa was tense. Clarke had been busy interning at the hospital her mom worked at, on top of finishing up her last semester in her pre-med classes. Lexa was also in her last semester of pre-law classes and she couldn't wait to finish. It was hard to schedule time where they can not only hang out but have sex too. When Clarke mentioned she wanted to go to San Francisco, Lexa wasn't all that thrilled about it. She wanted to spend time with Clarke, alone, preferable naked and sweaty on top of her. But, instead she got roped into a six hour road trip to San Francisco from LA. She couldn't complain though, at least she got to spend one-on-one time with Clarke, _god she was weak._

Lexa finished putting Clarke's bags into the trunk and she closed it but before she could move to the driver side of her Terrain, Clarke stopped her.

"Seriously, Lex. If you don't want to go then we don't have to." Clarke said and Lexa noticed the small frown on Clarke's face and instantly felt bad.

"It's not that I don't want to go. I just thought that we would stay here, you know indoors by ourselves probably naked."' Lexa awkwardly explained.

Clarke let out a low chuckle, "Baby, we can have sex when we get to the hotel. Now, let's get a move on."

Lexa's eyes widened. Clarke just called her baby. _Phew, okay Lexa, let's not overthink this and-_

"Lexa, come on." Clarke called from the passenger seat. Lexa nodded to herself and got in her car.

Lexa could do this.

* * *

Lexa could not do this. Being in a confine space with Clarke for six hours was not a good idea. More or less halfway through the journey, they stopped at the gas station. Lexa got the gas while Clarke got the snacks and when they both got into the car, they decided to stop at Sonic.

It was dark by the time they got to Sonic and they set back out onto the highway. Something seemed to shift with Clarke, every so often she would put her hand on Lexa's thigh and squeeze or she would put her hand around Lexa's neck and squeeze. Lexa knows those signs. _Clarke couldn't possible want-_

Her thought was cut off when Clarke abruptly cupped her through her sweatpants. They were at a red light and Lexa wasn't expecting that so she let off the brake to quickly slam her foot back down on it. A second later and she would have been in the intersection.

"Clarke, what are you doing?" Lexa turned wide eyed to Clarke, who was wearing a grin.

"Oh, I'm glad that almost dying is funny." Lexa said sarcastically.

Clarke didn't say anything just continued to massage Lexa over her sweats and Lexa sat back dumbfounded. They couldn't do this. They would literally die.

When Clarke tried to tug at Lexa's sweatpants, Lexa stopped her.

"Oh, no." Lexa exclaimed, "Do you want us to die? Talking me in to having sex in a house full of our friends who don't know we are sleeping together is one thing. We are not doing this while I'm driving." Lexa said seriously.

The light turned green and Lexa sped of, reaching seventy-miles per hour.

"Oh, come on. It's not like we are going to have full blown sex. I'll give you a blowjob worth a lifetime." Clarke purred. Clarke _almost_ had her. _Almost._

"Come on, this is a story for the grandkids. Not many people can say they had an orgasm at seventy-mile per hour." Clarke said convincingly.

She inched close planting sloppy kisses on the side on Lexa's neck.

_Be strong, Lexa. Be strong._

She wasn't strong, the minute Clarke attached her lips to Lexa's neck, Clarke cupped her again and Lexa let it happen. Clarke gave her a quick peck on the lips.

"Lift up and pull your sweats down." Clarke instructed.

Keeping one hand on the steering wheel, Lexa did and her semi-soft dick sprang out from it's confines.

They kissed again for a brief moment before Clarke leaned down without warning and lick the underside of her dick. Lexa pressed down on the gas in response, going eighty-miles per hour.

Clarke gave another lick, this time circling her head. Lexa's dick was standing straight up in all it's glory. A little red and wet and veiny. All Lexa wanted to do was bury herself deep within Clarke's walls.

Clarke fully wrapped her lips around the head, circling the slit with her tongue. Her left hand came down to jerk her dick halfway while her mouth suck the other half. Lexa had her jaw clenched tightly. Clarke was working her perfectly but she needed to focus on driving. It was a miracle she hasn't crashed yet. Lexa thanked god that her windows were tinted and that the sun had gone down. Clarke was leaning over the console with her ass in the air. Lexa reached out to grab her butt which pushed Clarke further down on her dick and Lexa groaned.

"Fuck, Clarke."

Clarke was twisting her hand around Lexa's shaft as she jerked her off. Her hot, wet tongue licking the top of the head and underneath her dick. Lexa felt the telltale signs of her orgasm approaching. It's ridiculous how quick Clarke can get her off but she felt her balls tighten and she knew she was going to cum. Clarke position her mouth right over her slit and jerked her off until Lexa froze and spurt after spurt came out of her dick and landed into Clarke's mouth. Lexa was breathing heavily as Clarke let go of her dick and sat back up. She was swallowing down her cum, some of it leaked down her chin and Lexa groaned again. Lexa quickly pulled up her sweatpants as best she could with one hand.

They sat in tense silence for all of two minutes before Clarke spoke, "Lexa, pull over."

Lexa just now realized that they were on an abandon road. There was no cars near or around them, so Lexa did. She pulled over on the side of the road and looked at Clarke.

"If we put the middle seats down, we could have more room. The back row is three seats so we can go back there and we can put a blanket down on the middle seats so it's not to rough." Lexa said and Clarke agreed as they sprang into action. Lexa getting the blanket from the trunk and Clarke putting the middle seats down and climbing all the way in the back. Lexa put the blanket over the now folded middle sweats and got into the car and closed the door.

"Should we leave the car on or off?" Lexa asked unsure.

"Off. We are a car parked in the middle of nowhere, we don't want to draw attention to ourselves." Clarke explained and she was right, Lexa was about to take Clarke and she wasn't going to stop, not even for the police.

Lexa quickly leaned into the driver's seat and turned the car off. When she looked back, Clarke had her underwear and shorts off and her legs were spread wide. Clarke was bare and swollen and _wet._

Lexa unconsciously licked her lips and pushed one hand to Clarke's chest to push her down, not all the way but enough for her to be comfortable with the limited space. Clarke was sprawled out on the backseat while Lexa laid down across the middle seats. She kissed the inside of Clarke's thigh and got to work. She slowly licked her way through Clarke's center and _god_ did she miss her taste. It was sweet, so sweet with a bit of tangy. She licked through her again, this time flicking at her hard nub. Clarke's hips were rolling in waves and Lexa wrapped both her arms around her thighs to hold her down while she assaulted her clit. Clarke tasted so good and Lexa never wanted to stop. If you were to ask what Lexa's favorite flavor of anything was, she would answer Clarke.

She slowly slipped her middle finger into Clarke, rubbing against her walls. She pulled her finger out, only to slam it back in, her mouth never leaving Clarke's clit.

" _Oh, fuck yeah, baby. Fuck me with those long fingers."_ Clarke moaned, her hips still finding a way to thrust up.

Lexa was so hard, it was uncomfortable. She couldn't believe she was on the side of an abandon road, eating Clarke out.

Clarke was dripping and Lexa was soaking it all up with her tongue. She pulled out her finger and replaced it with her tongue.

_"Oh, Lexa."_

Lexa thrusted her tongue in and out and her other hand came up to rub small, tight circles around Clarke's swollen clit.

_"Ahh...Ahhh..."_   Clarke's moans were on repeat and Lexa knew she was going to cum. She couldn't wait for the floodgates to open.

A few thrusts of her tongue and her fingers rubbing her clit, Clarke was coming in her mouth. Clarke let a strangled whine, while Lexa lapped up her juices. Lexa quickly brought Clarke down, softly licking through her before Clarke pushed her head away. Lexa quickly took her clothes off. The only item she left on was her bra.

"Turn around." Lexa demanded.

Clarke turned around on all fours, still recovering from her orgasm. Lexa gave her dick a few pumps before she lined her dick up with Clarke's pussy. The position was a little awkward but that didn't stop Lexa from thrusting in, stretching Clarke's walls around her. Lexa put her hand on Clarke's hips and pushed down a little. Clarke got the hint and leaned down until her face was against the seat and her ass was up in the air. This allowed Lexa to thrust deeper and both of them moaned.

Lexa started pumping her dick into Clarke's tight walls. She had both her hands on her hips and she started to sped up. On one thrust, Lexa thrusted all the way down and moved her hips up, causing Lexa to hit something spongy in Clarke and Clarke gasped.

_Did she just-_

"Did I just hit your g-spot?" Lexa asked in bewilderment, which caused Clarke to nod furiously.

"Do it again." Clarke all but yelled out and Lexa did.

She thrusted all the way in and up and Clarke was a mess. Thrusting her ass back to meet Lexa's hips, moaning her name, it was all so hot.

_"Wait, Lexa. Stop... I think... I'm going to-"_   Lexa wasn't quite sure what Clarke was trying to say. It was all cut off when Clarke let out the loudest moan, she was sure people in Asia probably heard. Her dick was then coated with juices that forced Lexa's dick out.

Everything was still for a minute before Lexa asked, "Did you just squirt?"

Clarke was to bust moaning to answer but she was nodding.

"Lexa, put your dick back in." Clarke demanded.

Lexa was quick to obey, sliding back into her with such ease. Her knees were now in a puddle of Clarke's juices but she didn't care. She grabbed a hold of Clarke's hips and started pounding into her. Clarke's ass was all the way up in the air and Lexa angled herself downward, hitting Clarke's deepest spots.

"Oh, baby... _Yes.. just like that."_ Clarke moaned. All of her moans were sending a tingle straight down Lexa's spine.

" _Mmm.. baby.. I'm gonna cum again."_   

That only fueled Lexa to go faster. Her balls were slamming into her clit, causing a slapping sound. Lexa was thrusting so hard into Clarke that her car was starting to shake in time with her thrust. It was so obvious what they were doing, not to mention the way her windows started to fog up. But she didn't care, she wasn't going to stop.

She felt Clarke's walls clench around her dick and she knew Clarke was coming. She waited until she came down from her orgasm before she start thrusting again.

" _Oh, god. Clarke, you feel so good."_ Lexa groaned and started grunting as she slammed into Clarke from behind, her orgasm quickly approaching. She willed everything in her too pull out and cum onto Clarke's ass.

They both stayed silent for a while, reveling in their orgasms. Clarke slowly sat up and said, "That was amazing. I can clean up but you'll have to give me a minute."

Clarke leaned in for a kiss that Lexa quickly returned. When they pulled away, Lexa nodded and went to go put her clothes back on. Clarke moved and took the blanket from across the middle row to clean up her huge wet spot on the back seat. Both of them had sweat dripping down their temples.

"Sorry." Clarke said and she looked a little shy, "It's been a while since that has happened."

"It's okay. It was hot." Was all Lexa said, as she got on the back and into the driver's seat. Once Clarke was all ready and in the passengers seat, Lexa turned the car on. Her right hand was on Clarke's thigh the rest on the trip to San Francisco.

After some time, Clarke put her hand on top of Lexa's.


	4. Commander

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Some spanking is involved.

Lexa smiled to herself like a weirdo as her feet hit the pavement over and over again and she took deep, steady breaths. It's been a while since she went on a run. She's tried to hit the gym a few times each week, this week she failed miserably. It was the week after they went on their little road trip that was more or less just spent in the hotel. They wanted to go out and site see even though they have been there many times before. Not that she could complain much though. She fucked Clarke on pretty much every surface that hotel had to offer. Lexa also failed miserably to not think about Clarke. She didn't know when the right time was to contact the girl. They could last about two days without any contact from the other person. At first because it was a little awkward, they didn't want to sound to eager but now they were comfortable enough with each other's bodies especially after Lexa found out how to make Clarke squirt. Lexa spent all weekend hitting that spot that makes Clarke tick and the flood gates open.

Lexa wasn't sure if she should give in yet and contact the blonde. She didn't want to sound to eager but it's not like Clarke will reject her, she never does. Lexa was strong (She was not strong, she had a wet dream about Clarke) and she was hard when she woke up. Lexa refused to touch her dick so she got up and took a cold shower until her dick went soft and then she came out for a run. It's not that she didn't want to touch herself and think about Clarke, it was about what it was implying. Lexa already knew she was in deep with Clarke, no pun intended. She didn't really want to think about her feelings for Clarke so therefore she would not touch her dick because she knew all she would think about is Clarke.

Lexa's thoughts were interrupted during the middle of her morning run when her phone started ringing. She didn't look at the caller ID before she answered.

"Hey." She said into the line a little breathless.

"Oh, hey. Should I give you a minute?" Clarke's husky voice said through the phone and Lexa almost tripped over her feet. She slowed down her run to a fast walk.

"No, Clarke. I'm running." Lexa informed the girl. 

"Oh." Clarke said with recognition, "Anyways, what are you doing tonight?"

"Not much. I was thinking about watching some Netflix." Lexa said, they just put out a new season of Fuller House and she was excited to start it.

"Well, take a rain check on that and come over instead." Clarke said suggestively.

Looks like Clarke was the first one to cave. Lexa smiled to herself at that.

"Will Rae and O be home?"

"Nope. They are going to the movies tonight. They asked me to come along but I declined." Clarke explained. "So, you should come over tonight, I'll make it worth your while." The blonde girl added.

Lexa chuckled into the line. "There's no need to say more. I'm in."

Clarke  _may_  have called first and  _may_ have suggested the hook-up but it was Lexa who was the weak one.

_So, so, so weak._

* * *

And that's where Lexa found herself later on that Saturday night. She would have been content spending a night watching Netflix but she definitely liked Clarke's idea better. Clarke had texted her earlier on telling her to come by at eight o' clock and that the door will be unlocked and so Lexa slandered up the stairs to the fourth floor. She was to nervous to take the elevator, she needed to keep moving. She didn't know why but her heart was hammering in her chest. It always did when she was about to hook-up with Clarke. She went casual this time, wearing a loose white V-neck shirt and some grey sweatpants. She were actual boxers this time, not briefs, for easier access. Her dick felt more free, it's usually confined to those damn compression shorts.

She reached Clarke's apartment and went straight in.

"Clarke!" Lexa called.

"Up here." She heard a voice call back so she went up to Clarke's room, she definitely wasn't a stranger to it.

She walked in to find Clarke sprawled out on the bed wearing a black corset with see through stockings. Her boobs looked amazing in it. Lexa's dick switched just upon seeing her.

"Hello, Lexa." Clarke purred and Lexa went straight over to her after shutting the door.

Lexa was drinking in the whole sight of Clarke. It was dark in the room but Clarke's lamp provided enough light.

"Do you like it?"

"You look so hot." Lexa said as she nodded and it was true. Clarke's hair was down, usually when they hook-up, it's up but Lexa liked it.

"Get undress." Clarke commanded.

Oh, right. That's what she's here for and clearly Clarke doesn't want to talk, she wants to get straight to this and Lexa was completely fine with that. Lexa took off every piece of clothing that she was wearing. She started to stroke her dick as she climbed up on the bed and hovered over Clarke. She bent down and leaned in for a kiss which Clarke returned and slipped her tongue into her mouth. They battle for dominance for a few minutes, Clarke winning. She always does.

"I've been thinking about this all day," Clarke moaned out as they separated for air. "I can't wait for you to fuck me with that big dick of yours." Clarke said into her ear and Lexa was definitely hard now.

Lexa didn't want to remove the corset at all, Clarke looked way to hot in it. So, Lexa moved her panties to the side and slid in her middle finger as she sought out her lips again. She ran her finger up and through her and Clarke was soaked. Clarke slide her tongue into her mouth, wet and hot and Lexa wanted her. She always did.

"I wanna ride you." Clarke said as she flipped them over and got on top of Lexa. She wanted to make most of her time and she lined up Lexa's dick to her opening and sunk down. When she bottomed out, they both whined as Clarke started rocking on her dick, holding her hands out on Lexa's chest. Lexa had both hands on Clarke's hip but she didn't thrust up into her, no matter how much she wanted to. Clarke started moving up and down on her dick and Lexa just laid there and watched her. _She was so beautiful._ Her breasts moved up and down with her movements and she had her hands tangled in her hair as she started moving faster. She would bounce up on Lexa's dick only to slam back down, she did this for a couple of minutes before her legs started to quiver a bit. Lexa noticed this and started to take over. She planted both of her feet on the bed and started thrust up into Clarke.

_"Oh, my god."_ Clarke whined as Lexa rammed into her. Clarke was gushing out wetness and every time Lexa thrusted in, it created a wet thwack sound that Lexa loved.

_"Almost there, Lexa. Mmmm. Harder."_  

So, Lexa went harder and it wasn't but a few moments later until Clarke was coming. She had her face scrunched up and she was moaning out all type of curse words. When she came back down from her high, she leaned down and kissed Lexa. Lexa removed her dick and flipped her around, she didn't give her a warning or a chance to recover from her orgasm before she plunged her dick back into her. Clarke's ass was bouncing with every thrust Lexa was making and Lexa squeezed her cheeks. And to her surprise landed a smack on her right ass cheek. Lexa's thrust faltered as she stuttered out.

"I-I'm sorry." Lexa said and she almost stopped what she was doing when Clarke went silent, before she could pull her dick out, Clarke spoke.

"Do that again."

"Are you sure?" Throughout their whole time sleeping together, Lexa never did this. Sure, they got a little rough but she didn't out right spank the girl, she didn't feel right doing it but she was so caught up in the moment and Clarke's ass looked amazing in this corset that she couldn't help herself.

"Yes, Lexa. Spank me."

Lexa still wasn't convinced and the situation was a little awkward. Lexa still had her dick inside of her, and it was twitching and Clarke was looking back at her on all fours.

They locked eyes when Clarke spoke, "Do it, Lex. Spank me. I've been a bad girl, Commander."

That seemed to spur Lexa out of the moment. She absolutely loved when Clarke called her commander. She only really does it when she wants it fast and hard. If that's what Clarke wanted, Lexa would give it to her. So, she had one hand on one side of Clarke's hip and the other hand raised as she gave Clarke a light spank, testing it.

"Fuck me and spank me harder than that, Commander." Clarke all but roared.

Lexa sprang into action, moving her hips forward again and planting another smack to Clarke's ass, harder this time. She didn't slow down, she all but humped Clarke as she delivered spank after spank to her ass, alternating cheeks. Lexa wrapped her hands around Clarke's blonde locks and pulled, causing Clarke to throw her head back.

"Are you my dirty little slut?" Lexa asked after she spanked Clarke again.

Clarke didn't answer verbally but she moaned and nodded, that wasn't cutting it for Lexa.

"I want you to speak or I'll stop. Are you my dirty little slut?" Lexa asked again, driving her hips back into Clarke's

_"Yes, yes, yes."_ Clarke shouted with a moan over and over again. " _I'm your dirty little slut, Lexa. Fuck me."_

Every time Lexa pulled out, she would look down at her dick and see it coated in Clarke's juices, Clarke was close. She landed another sank to Clarke's ass and this time Clarke clenched down on her member.

_"That's right. Fuck me, commander. Make me yours."_ Clarke wailed.

Lexa was hammering into her at a fast pace and she knew she wasn't going to last much longer. She moved the hand that was holding onto Clarke's hip to her boob as she squeezed through the corset. Lexa could feel the familiar tingle down her spine and she knew she was going to last much longer. She tried not to cum but she couldn't help it. This situation was so hot and Clarke kept calling her commander, she couldn't help herself when she blew her load into Clarke from behind before Clarke had a chance to orgasm. She groaned as her cum came straight out of her dick and into Clarke's pussy. 

_"Fuck."_ Lexa moaned as she removed her dick and saw some of her cum leak out from Clarke's pussy.

She turned Clarke over and connected their mouths. Clarke deepened their kiss as she grabbed Lexa's still hard dick to line it up with her entrance.

"Wait." Lexa instructed as she got on the left side of Clarke. She pulled Clarke's leg up and held onto one of her ankles as she positioned Clarke where she wanted her.

Lexa could tell Clarke was still close so she slide right into her and went at a restless pace. She was fucking her sideways and her dick was hitting all her deep spots. She brought the hand that wasn't holding onto Clarke's ankle to her clit to rub circles around it. Clarke rested her head on Lexa's shoulder as her moans started to get louder and louder and Lexa felt like she was going to cum again herself.

Clarke lasted another minute before she bite down on Lexa's shoulder and grabbed her hand to stop it's attack. She slowly rode out her orgasm and when she was done, Lexa slid her dick out. Clarke quickly wrapped her hands around it and started jerking her off.

"Do you want to fuck my boobs again?" And Lexa's eyes lit up as if you allowed her to run free in a candy shop. 

Lexa quickly nodded and Clarke removed her corset, with the help of Lexa and laid it across the chair in the corner of her room. Clarke laid down and Lexa immediately got on top of her. Lexa put her dick in between Clarke's boobs as she held them together and started to thrust through them. There was no way she was going to go slow, she was to worked up and Clarke's boobs looked and felt amazing. She thrusted in and out of them as she held her hands out to support her. Lexa looked down to see Clarke looking back up at her in awe and Lexa shouldn't have done that because Clarke looked so hot in that moment with her fucking her boobs that she shot her load all over Clarke's neck. Lexa was straight up whining as she shot her load all over Clarke's neck. When she was done, she careful removed herself and went to go get some tissues to clean up the mess. When she handed them off to Clarke and Clarke started to wipe down her neck, Lexa felt the awkwardness kick in again. Not that they didn't just have mind-blowing sex but does she get dress? Will Clarke invite her to stay the night? Will she awkwardly just leave? Lexa honestly had no idea what to do and she was starting to panic a little.

Sometimes Clarke will want her to stay, other times she'll just politely dismiss her. Is she really going to politely dismiss her after the sex they just had? But if Clarke wanted her to stay, she would have said something by now. She would have pulled her back into the bed and kissed her or just asked her to stay but Clarke wasn't saying anything and Lexa didn't know what to do.

Before Lexa could think about it anymore, Clarke got up and went over to her drawers. 

She was getting dressed.

So naturally, the only thing Lexa should do is get dress too and so she did. She went over and picked her clothes up from the floor and put them on, one by one. She had finished putting her clothes back on and was slipping on her shoes when Clarke finally spoke.

"Thanks for coming over." Clarke was fully dressed in some comfortable clothes as she came over to her.

"I'll call you, tomorrow." Clarke said and Lexa's heart dropped a little. She knew getting dressed probably meant she wasn't going to stay over but a part of her still held on to some hope. She should've known better, this was nothing more than a booty call. Clarke wanted her for sexual reasons and that was it and now it was time to say goodbye.

"Yeah, sure." Lexa said a little to quickly. She wanted to leave and get out of this room with Clarke. Why did she have to look so cute in her sleep shorts? And why did Lexa have to have feelings for her?

"Okay, great." Clarke said as she kissed her cheek in goodbye. Lexa nodded and quickly walked out the door. Part of her heart cracked when the door closed. Does Clarke really only see her as a friend? Surely, she knows that that's what friends with benefits are. Clarke definitely only wanted the benefit part tonight. She was hoping to stay the night but Clarke didn't say, so Lexa didn't ask.

She didn't want to sound eager and make it obvious. She didn't know what to do when it came to Clarke and it sucks that all the way home all she thought about were those ocean blue eyes. She wanted to be with Clarke at all times but it was clear that Clarke didn't want that and Lexa wouldn't push. She would continue this whole friends with benefits thing if it meant that she got to be close with Clarke and some aspect of her got to be with Clarke physically. She so badly wished that they could be more than friends, that they wouldn't have awkward encounters when the sex was over, that she could just stay but she's the only one right now that knows Clarke intimately and she figured that was better than nothing. So, for the rest of the ride home, she tried not to think about the blonde-hair beauty.

She failed.

 


	5. Dancing On My Own

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Halfway through this chapter we switch to Clarke's POV. I strongly recommend you guys listen to "Dancing On My Own." By Calum Scott.

"I'm glad you finally decided to come out with us," Anya exclaimed to Lexa as the two of them got in the car. "Although, it probably has something to do with Clarke." Anya added and gave Lexa a side look to which Lexa ignored.

Lexa is pretty sure Anya is catching on to the fact that Clarke and her spend a lot of alone time together. Lexa decided not to comment, she started the engine and drove off. She had her jaw clenched unconsciously, she didn't want to think about Clarke. They haven't spoken in over a week and a half. Lexa was absolutely miserable but it was clear, that night there was a shift to this whole friends with benefits thing. Clarke was acting weird, they haven't really talked since that night, what is there to talk about? Things are getting so awkward between them and Lexa's head hurts because she would do anything to just be with Clarke. She's twenty-two years old, getting ready to graduate from college and she knows Clarke is her forever and it was scary thought to think. She's only had one real girlfriend and they broke up because they got accepted into different colleges across the country and decided it was for the best. And then Lexa came out her with her best friend, Anya, and she met Clarke and her friends and she was instantly attracted to Clarke and Lexa could tell Clarke was into her too. They would linger around each other and stare at each other way longer than friends would.

If Lexa really thought about it, things have never been set-in-stone with Clarke. They were never friends, they were always something more than that and Lexa so badly wished Clarke could see that but like she said she would never push and if Clarke ever wanted to end this, Lexa would let her. Even though it would crush her and she wouldn't want anyone else. Why would she? When, in theory, she has Clarke? Anyone else would pale in comparison to Clarke, Lexa knew this. Lexa was never one to think about her future in such a broad aspect but when Clarke came into the picture, it was a lost cause and Lexa never really got to be with Clarke. It was always physical and Lexa doesn't want the physical anymore. She wants the hard days, she wants the good days, she wants to experience the rest of her life with Clarke and grow old with her. She wants to love Clarke unconditionally because Clarke deserves the world and Lexa will crawl to the ends of the earth to make her happy.

"What are you so deep in thought about?" Her best friend broke her out of her thoughts.

"Nothing."

"Bullshit."

Lexa sighed, Anya always seems to see through her.

"Does this have anything to do with Clarke? Don't think I haven't noticed she hasn't been around. I think this is the longest you guys have ever not talked."

Lexa didn't know why but she could feel the tears prickle in her eyes. She wasn't going to cry but she was so close to.

"This has nothing to do with it." It was a lie and they both knew it but Anya backed off.

Jesus Christ, she was a mess. All Anya had to do was mention Clarke and she was almost in tears. This wasn't a good idea, she's not ready to see Clarke. But she didn't have much of a choice when she pulled up and parked in the parking lot. Her heart was pounding in her chest, she hasn't seen Clarke all week and she was getting ready too and _Christ_ , she wasn't ready when she did.

Raven managed to get them two tables in the back and everyone was already there. Anya immediately went to Raven and gave her a kiss on the cheek. Octavia and Lincoln were all cozy in the corner and everyone else had a drink in their hand, including Clarke.

The lights were low in the club but Lexa saw her. She saw her blonde curls cascading around her shoulders, she saw her lip curled while she was in a deep conversation with Jasper. She saw the dark green dress that stopped mid-thigh, her cleavage out exposing the tops of her breasts. She saw the black heels she wore, she saw the light make-up she was wearing. Lexa saw Clarke and she was the only thing that she focused on but out of the corner of her eye, she could see Anya looking at her so she quickly averted her eyes. Harper and Monroe got up to go dance with each other and that's when Clarke turned around and that's when green met blue. Clarke fluttered her eyelashes and gave her a small smile. Lexa didn't return it, everything about this was awkward and a smile wasn't going to fix it. Lexa would much rather go back to leering without Clarke knowing. Clarke knew what she was doing and Lexa wasn't ready for anything that had to do with feelings when it came to Clarke. Clarke frowned when she saw Lexa's stoic face and Lexa decided she wanted to be anywhere else (She didn't, she wanted to go over there and kiss the hell out of Clarke) but she knew she couldn't especially with all her friends around. She was about to turn around when Clarke finally spoke.

"Hey." Clarke said over the music.

Lexa knew what she was doing. Harper and Monroe were the only ones missing from their friend group, everyone else was here and around and they knew Clarke and Lexa were joined at the hip. It would looked weird if Lexa didn't greet her favorite person.

Lexa raised her eyebrows a bit, "Hey."

That was all she said as she turned around again. Clarke didn't stop her this time.

Lexa sat at the bar and was getting ready to order when a glass of whiskey landed in front of her by the bartender. He left before she could tell him she hasn't ordered anything yet when she heard a voice behind her.

"You looked like a whiskey girl. I hope I got it right."

Lexa turned around to see a brunette hair girl looking down at her. She was pretty. She has brown eyes and she was wearing a knee length dress, she had her hair pinned up in an elegant bun.

"You guessed right." Lexa found herself saying.

"Mind if I sit?" The girl asked and Lexa shook her head.

"Be my guess."

"I'm Ontari." The girl said.

"Lexa."

"Beautiful name for a beautiful girl."

That was a lame line but the girl looked proud of herself. She was cute and she wasn't Clarke, which Lexa was thankful for. She was nothing to do with that mess of feelings (Yes she does, she wants nothing more) but if Clarke doesn't see her as nothing more than a fuck buddy then maybe she should look somewhere else. She knows that it would probably be a one night stand but maybe it's what she needs, for crying out loud, she's already talking about marriage and they aren't even together. Lexa made it her life mission to forget about Clarke tonight (It's not going to work. Clarke is on her mind all the time, even when they are with each other) but it could work and maybe Ontari could help her out.

Lexa ordered Ontari a drink. Nothing over the top, just a simple beer. They were making small talk and she found it easy to talk to the girl. She was funny and she was in the middle of telling Lexa a story about how she went fishing when she stopped short.

"What's wrong?" Lexa frowned.

"Um, don't look now but there's a blonde over there, looking like she's about to kill me." Ontari said warily and Lexa turned around and sure enough Clarke was standing there with her arms folded, looking dead at them. It was pretty intimidating but Lexa thought Clarke looked cute with her little scowl on her- (No, Lexa stop thinking about her. Stop it).

"Don't worry about her. She's harmless." Lexa told the girl. She saw Ontari nod slowly as she continued to share the story. She felt Clarke's eyes on her the whole time.

It was some while later and Lexa was on her third glass, she didn't want to get to drunk so she asked.

"Do you want to dance?" Ontari immediately nodded and they went to the dance floor as soon as "Say It" By Tory Lanez came on.

Ontari pulled Lexa close and started grinding on her and Lexa put her hands on her hips as Ontari started to grind her ass into her center. Ontari had her hands hooked around her neck to pull her even closer and they were practically humping in the middle of the dance floor. It was getting to hot and Lexa didn't mean in the club. Ontari kept rubbing her ass into her and she could feel herself starting to get hard. Lexa was looking down watching Ontari move when she glanced up and that was a mistake. Clarke was staring straight at them with an expression she couldn't quite make out. Lexa did notice that she was sporting a frown and Lexa wanted to know what she was frowning at?

Lexa decided she wasn't going to worry about it. Clarke wasn't her problem and Clarke didn't want to be Lexa's problem, that much was clear. She didn't know when things started to become more clearer between them, she guessed it was that week apart. Lexa was almost positive Clarke knew that Lexa was more into the sex then the relationship.

"Take me home." She heard Ontari say lowly and her eyes were clouded over with lust. Lexa felt her dick twitch at the proposal and she found herself nodding dumbly.

"But first, let me go to the bathroom." Lexa said.

Ontari nodded, "I'll wait by the bar."

Lexa quickly left to go to the bathroom to calm herself down. The last thing she wanted to do was walk out of here sporting a boner. She quickly made her way to the bathroom and decided she might as well use it as she calmed herself down. Her dick was pretty much soft as she went to the bathroom and she was washing her hands when she heard the bathroom door fly open. She whipped her head up when she saw Clarke in the mirror. They locked eyes as Lexa finished up washing her hands.

"What are you doing?" Clarke all but hissed at her and Lexa looked at her with a confused expression.

"Washing my hands?" Lexa said dumbly.

"No. With that girl." Clarke growled and she was still sporting her scowl. Lexa was a little frightened, being in such close quarters with the clearly upset girl.

"We were just dancing." Lexa explained.

"More like drying humping." Clarke snorted but her face was far from happy.

"Are you going to go home with her?" Clarke asked quietly and Lexa finally turned around to face Clarke after drying her hands. She thanked god that they were alone.

"Why do you care?" Lexa asked, "It's not like were dating or anything, right?" Lexa said sarcastically.

Lexa saw Clarke expression change.  

"No. We aren't." Clarke said and Lexa tried to school her emotion even though she wanted nothing more than to burst into tears.

"I was thinking about taking her home. She wants me to take her home." Lexa said honestly and Clarke stayed quiet.

"Unless..." Lexa took a deep breath and looked Clarke deep into her eyes.

"Unless, you give me a reason not to." Lexa finally said and the air between them shifted. Clarke let out a breath and Lexa looked at her pleadingly. It was silent for a good two minutes before Clarke answered.

"There isn't." Clarke said in a brave voice, looking back at Lexa and Lexa's heart broke.

This was it, Lexa could tell. There was no going back after this. This is where they figure out where they are taking this and what better way to do that then in a bathroom at a club. Lexa took a few steps close to Clarke and Clarke was avoiding eye contact.

"Give me a reason, Clarke. Please, give me a reason and I'll stay here with you." Lexa begged and Clarke was still avoiding eye contact. She didn't say anything but Lexa got the message loud and clear. She let out a breath and went to walk past Clarke when she grabbed her arm to yank her back. Lexa immediately pushed her up against the stall but didn't connect their lips. Their lips hovered over each other, neither one of them giving in. They were breathing hard and it just took Lexa an inch to move forward to connect her lips to the girl she loves but she's not going to do it, Clarke called the shots on this one.

Lexa rested her forehead against Clarke's as Clarke wrapped her hand around the back of Lexa's neck. They didn't move, they stayed like that for way longer than they should have. Clarke was panting and so was Lexa, when Clarke finally released her. They didn't look at each other and soon Lexa took the hint and left the bathroom. Clarke made her decision, now Lexa was going to make hers. She marched right up to Ontari and grabbed her hand.

"Come one, let's get out of here."

The ride home was filled with sexual tension, Lexa wanted nothing more than to fuck Ontari and on the ride home, Ontari discovered she had a penis which she didn't even bat an eye too. They decided that they were going to go back to Ontari's place since her roommate was out for the weekend visiting her parents. They barely made it through the door before they were ripping each other clothes off.

* * *

Clarke yanked the bathroom door open and went to go find her friends. She didn't want to be here anymore. She wanted to go home and forget everything that just happened. She just let the love of her life walk away with another girl. God, she was stupid.

"Can we get out of here?" Clarke asked upon arriving in front of her friends. They all seemed to notice her bad mood and Octavia was the first to jump up from Lincoln's lap.

"Of course." Which everyone else agreed too.

"Wait, where's Lexa?" Anya asked as she looked around.

Clarke clenched her jaw and tried to keep her tears at bay, "I don't know. Probably at home, fucking another girl." Clarke all but growled.

No one decided to comment on Clarke's mood. They all knew it had something to do with Lexa.

"Look, can we just get out of here?" Clarke asked and everyone nodded.

"Hey, can I hitch a ride with you guys?" Anya asked and Raven nodded.

"Of course."

They all piled into Raven's four door pick-up truck and the ride home was spent in awkward silence. Clarke felt like she was going to burst into tears at a moments notice. They barely made It home before Clarke did. They ushered her upstairs and closed their apartment door and they all sat around the couch.

"Sweetie, what's wrong?" Raven asked and she tried to calm the girl down.

Clarke replied but she was crying so much that no one could make out what she was said.

"What was that?" Octavia asked from the other side of Clarke. Anya was sitting on the coffee table.

"I messed up." Clarke said as she hiccupped.

"How?" Raven asked the question that was on all of their minds.

"I gave her the message that this was nothing but a physical thing but it's the complete opposite." At this everyone was confused. Upon seeing their confused faces, Clarke decided to explain.

So, she did. She told them how they had kissed one night and how it was awkward until they finally ripped each other's clothes off and had sex. She told them that it has been going on for about two months now. She told them that at first it was nothing but fun and how now, it's so much more than that. She told them that halfway through this, she started to realize her feelings for Lexa and drowned it in having sex with her. Clarke told them everything all-the-while sobbing through the whole thing.

"I told her that we aren't dating and there is no reason why she shouldn't sleep with that girl and so she went home with." Clarke said around a broken sobbed. She buried her head in her hands. The three friends tried to soothe her while getting over their shock. None of them knew that they were sleeping together, Anya detected that something was going on between the two but she didn't think it was this.

Octavia had her hands wrapped around Clarke, while Raven was rubbing her back soothingly and Anya had her hands on Clarke's knees. It was silent for a while before Clarke spoke into the quiet of the apartment.

"I'm in love with her." Clarke said hoarsely as another sob wracked through her body.

"Oh, honey." Octavia said as she held Clarke tighter.

It was the first time she said it out loud to anyone though she discovered it quite some tie ago. It didn't feel weird to say.

"But now that doesn't matter because she's with another girl." Clarke said, it was getting harder to understand her because she was sobbing so much. No one knew what to do, they haven't seen Clarke cry this much since her dad died. Her friends heart broke at the sight of Clarke. It made sense, the reason why Clarke was upset all night that Lexa was talking to someone else. They just chalked it up to the fact that Clarke and Lexa spent a lot of time together. It sucked because Lexa went home with someone else and it's pretty clear what she's doing with the other girl.

A few hours have passed and Raven and Octavia finally got Clarke to calm down. She was currently sleeping In her bed with Octavia while Raven and Anya went into her room. Raven closed the door quietly behind her and they both sat on the bed.

"Do you really think Lexa is sleeping with that girl right now?" Raven asked and Anya shrugged.

"Lexa is probably hurt and she does stupid things when she is. But it's not like Clarke and Lexa are together so technically Lexa can do whatever she wants. You know I love Clarke but she messed up in this situation. It's pretty obvious Lexa has feelings for Clarke in this scenario and Clarke let her go. She's free to do whatever she wants." Raven was silent at Anya's little rant. While they didn't know the whole story, they knew most of it and it was enough to piece together.

Raven sighed, "I guess you're right and-" Raven was cut off by Anya's phone ringing. It was Lexa.

The phone call was short and when Anya hung up, Raven looked at her expectantly.

"She just want to know if I was home or not." Anya said quietly.

Raven nodded and felt a little sad for Clarke. It's been hours since Lexa had gone home with that girl and she was just now contacting either one of them. Anya didn't need to say what was obvious. Lexa had slept with that girl.

* * *

"Thanks for staying with me last night." Clarke said as Octavia got up from the bed. They had cuddle all night and Clarke loved the attention her best friend was giving her because she needed it.

"Of course," Octavia said as she got up. "I think Raven and Anya made us breakfast by the smells of it. Let's go eat."

Clarke agreed, she was hungry. She quickly went to go brush her teeth while Octavia went downstairs into her room to do the same thing. Clarke walked into the kitchen to be greeted by the smell of pancakes and Raven and Anya kissing.

"Oh, sorry." Clarke said upon discovering them.

Raven pulled away with a sheepish smile, "It's okay. Breakfast is ready. Help yourselves to it all." Raven said and a part of Clarke was jealous of Raven. Sure, Raven has been through hell and back after her car accident but she's found someone who loves her and looks at her like she's the whole world and Clarke would have that if she wasn't so stupid.

Clarke got a plate full of pancakes, bacon and eggs, she also got a glass of orange juice. Octavia came in not long after her and helped herself. They all sat down and ate. It was quiet for the most part. Not much conversation was going on. Raven and Anya were making small talk until Anya cleared her throat and addressed Clarke.

"Alright, since we're done eating and it's just us around. I'm going to say something and I just want you to listen." Anya said seriously and Clarke swallowed hard. Anya may be friends with her but Lexa was her best friend. Clarke had no idea what was going to come out of her mouth.

"Lexa does some pretty stupid things when she's hurt but we all know Lexa is sensitive no matter how much of a badass she tries to be. Lexa is like a spider; she's more afraid of you than you are of her. But I think it's safe to say that she has feelings for you or else you guys wouldn't be in this situation. We don't know the full story and I'm not asking for it but it's clear that you have feelings for her too. I think you should try to talk to her. I know you may be mad at her for last night but Clarke you should've heard her voice last night, she sounded so defeated and this is after she got laid. Please, talk to her." Anya said, looking directly at Clarke and Clarke felt a little mad. She knows she messed up last night but that doesn't excuse the fact that Lexa slept with someone else. Clarke has no idea what she would even say to Lexa and for Anya to say that she should talked to her made her mad.

"I understand what you are saying. I'm not just going to forget the fact that she slept with someone no matter how much I messed up. I need time especially since I know I have feelings for her. I need to sort them out and besides I don't even think she wants to talk to me but I guess I'll try." Clarke felt tears well up in her eyes but she forced herself not to cry.

"Okay, that's all I ask." Anya replied while Raven and Octavia stayed silent. Clarke nodded and then got up to go upstairs to her room.

She never thought that she would develop such deep feelings for Lexa but she has and she's scared that she messed it up. She knows she has, she wouldn't even know what to say to Lexa if they were to talk. Seeing her last night with that girl completely broke Clarke in a way she didn't think she could be broken. It really put into perspective how deep her feelings are for Lexa. Clarke just wants to tell Lexa her feelings but she's scared. In a way, Anya is right though. Clarke really can't be mad at Lexa, Clarke was the one that let her go but that didn't mean that it didn't hurt.

She doesn't want the physical relationship anymore, she wants all of it. She wants the hard days, she wants the good days, she wants to experience the rest of her life with Lexa and grow old with her. She wants to love Lexa and wants Lexa to love her. She wants to love Lexa unconditionally because Lexa deserved the world and Clarke will crawl to the ends of the earth to make her happy.  

 


	6. Hold Back the River

 Lexa looked herself in the mirror after her shower. She didn’t feel sad, she didn’t feel anything. For the most part, she felt empty but it was the first time she wasn’t thinking about Clarke. She looked herself in the mirror and smiled. It was crooked and maybe a little broken but it was a smile nevertheless and she felt like she could do this. She could be without Clarke and not think about her. Last night was the first night that she didn’t think about Clarke and she was thankful for it because she got asked out on a date by Ontari and she said yes. She was looking forward to it even though the smile on her face said otherwise.

Anya was still with Raven so Lexa had the apartment to herself. She decided to go make herself some breakfast, an egg sandwich and some bacon.

She had just finished eating her breakfast when she heard a knock on the door. She rolled her eyes because Anya most likely forgot her keys and she had locked the door last night when she came home. She opened the door, getting ready to make fun of Anya when it wasn’t Anya at the door. But the one person she was trying to forget.

“Clarke?”

Clarke stood there in jeans and a shirt. It was simple but she looked beautiful. She looked nervous and honestly Lexa wasn’t expecting her here and she was having a good morning and Clarke just had to ruin it. She was rubbing her hands together, a nervous tick of Clarke’s.

“Hey,” She breathed out. “Can we talk?” She asked hoarsely.

Lexa sighed. She didn’t really want to talk to her. What is there to talk about? She doesn’t want to see Clarke, she doesn’t want to hear what she has to say but this conversation was bound to happen so she wordlessly moved aside to let her in. They both sat on the couch, Lexa on one side and Clarke on the other. They had turned sideways so that they were facing each other. Lexa was avoiding eye contact at all cost and looking at the TV, even though It wasn’t on.

“I think we should talk about last night.” Clarke said quietly.

Lexa scoffed. Clarke can’t be serious right now? What was there to talk about? Everything that needed to happen, happened last night so why was Clarke here? Lexa wants nothing to do with her.

“There’s nothing to talk about Clarke,” Lexa said and glanced at Clarke. She looked small in the corner of the couch with her knees drawn up to her chest. Lexa so badly wants to go over there and hug her but she’s not going to. She’s remembering how she looked into the mirror with her (broken) smile. She could do this. She could be strong and she could forget about her feelings. She has to. “You made that very clear last night.” Lexa reminded her.

“Did you sleep with her?” Clarke asked in a quiet voice. She was looking at her with those wide, ocean blue eyes and Lexa almost caved. _Almost._ Lexa didn’t know whether she should lie or tell the truth. She didn’t really think she would be seeing Clarke today and she cursed herself because she was starting to feel guilty and she doesn’t know why. She did nothing wrong. She doesn’t feel like she should have to explain herself to Clarke. Clarke doesn’t love her.

“Why do you care?” Lexa asked back. Clarke didn’t answer her and it was silent in the early morning of the apartment and Lexa wants to be anywhere else but here.

“Why should you care about what I do? We aren’t dating.” Lexa spat, repeating her words from last night. Clarke looked like she was near tears and honestly Lexa felt the same way but she didn’t show it. _Be strong, Lexa._

“I know we aren’t but I just want to know.” Clarke said helplessly. Lexa was starting to get angry. Why did Clarke have to show up here right now? When she has spent over twelve hours not thinking about her. Why did she have to be so cute and damn it, why is Lexa thinking about her?

“That’s not of your business, Clarke. You made it very clear that you don’t want anything more than sex so therefore I’m not telling you shit. I want you to get out.” Lexa said as she got up from the couch. Clarke got up too and Lexa saw the tears running down her cheeks. She felt bad and Clarke could tell she was mad because she only curses when she’s mad or about to orgasm.

And _damn_ , for Lexa feeling bad. She shouldn’t. Clarke is the one that let her go. What was she supposed to do? Wait even longer for Clarke to figure out what she wants? It was clear it wasn’t her.

Lexa held her breath as Clarke walked closer to her. Clarke always smells good like coconut and vanilla. Lexa absolutely loved it.

“Lexa, please. Please, tell me if you did.” Clarke begged as she stopped right in front of Lexa. Lexa felt as if Clarke was staring right into her soul and maybe she was. She would probably see how her heart isn’t beating the same way when she was around Clarke instead it was a dull thud as if saying, _when is she going to leave?_

“I can’t be around you, Clarke. Please, just leave me alone.” Lexa said honestly. “Even if we aren’t anything. We were still friends first but it’s clear that we shouldn't. We are graduating in a month, I think we should focus on that.” Lexa’s voice wavered but she wasn’t backing down from this. She wants to graduate from college and get her degree in law and a part of her (All of her) wants to watch Clarke graduate from college too.

Clarke didn’t say anything and she was sniffling as she walked past Lexa.

“Fine.” Clarke said as she walked out of the apartment and Lexa slammed the door behind her. This is why she doesn’t do feelings.

* * *

 “And then what happened?” Harper asked as she took a bite of her sand which. Clarke had called Harper to see if she wanted lunch and she was totally down for it. Clarke would’ve called Octavia or Raven but she wanted to get someone else’s perspective on it and plus, Harper has been one of her oldest friends. She can talk to her about anything.

“Nothing!” Clarke exclaimed. “She didn’t tell me at all and she said we should spend some time apart. I completely messed it up, again. I didn’t even tell her how I felt.” Clarke explained and Harper nodded her head sadly.

“I’m sorry, Clarke.” Harper said and Clarke just shrugged.

“I keep screwing this up."

“Would you be mad if she did?” Harper asked and again Clarke shrugged. Yes, her heart hurt just thinking about Lexa with someone else. She honestly doesn’t know what she would do if she did and it sucks because she didn’t get her answer when she went over there earlier. But maybe Lexa is right, Clarke doesn’t deserve an answer, though she so desperately wants it.

“I can’t be,” Clarke murmured. “I don’t have any right to be and now she wants to spend the rest of the semester away from me.” Clarke’s lip quivered but she doesn’t want to cry.

“Man, this sucks.” Harper huffed and she meant it. She doesn’t like to see her friends suffer. She watched Clarke throughout the rest of lunch and made the decision that she was going to go see Lexa after this.   

* * *

 Lexa was in the middle of watching some dishes after her lunch when she heard a knock on the door. She clenched her jaw and hoped to god that it wasn't Clarke. To her surprise, it was another blonde, Harper.

"Harper. Hey." Lexa greeted and gave her a warm hug which she returned. Lexa ushered her inside and they sat on the couch, where Clarke was not only a few hours ago.

"I just had lunch with Clarke," Harper informed the girl. "She told me that she came over here to talk to you and you acted like a complete ass." Harper said with a sweet smile and Lexa knitted her eyebrows together. Of course Clarke would tell one of their friends about what happen between them and she knows sooner or later all of their friends are going to know about it.

"I guess you can say that. I'm sure she has already told you everything that happened, I'm not surprised but if you came here to ask me to apologize to her, it's not going to happen." Lexa answered. She heard Harper sigh and she didn't say anything else.

"I have a date tonight." Lexa informed the dirty-blonde and Harper whipped her head back to look at her.

"Does Clarke know?"

"No."

"Are you going to tell her?' Harper asked.

"No"

Harper blew out a breath. Lexa really was trying to forget about Clarke and Harper doesn't blame her. Clarke had told her everything that had happened between them, including all the various places they've had sex. She was shocked when Clarke told her that they had sex during the movie night a while ago. A part of Harper couldn't really look Lexa in the eyes after the vivid details Clarke told her. She didn't know Lexa could be so dirty. But Clarke also told her what happened in the bathroom last night and Harper is surprised that Lexa seems completely fine with what is happening.

"I bet you are going to tell her. I won't be mad if you do. You can think I'm a coward for this but I don't care. I'm not going to talk to her." Lexa said with determination.

Harper sighed again in defeat. Lexa really had made up her mind.

"Okay. You know I love you, right?" Harper asked as she got up from the couch. Harper has been a really great friend to Lexa ever since they met.

Lexa smiled a bit and replied, "I love you too, Harps."  And Lexa pulled her into a hug.

"I'm sorry about all of this." Harper said into her neck. There was really nothing else to say.

"It's okay. It's not your fault."

Harper nodded as they made their way to the door, "Good luck with your date." Harper said with a little wave.

"Thanks."

* * *

"Clarke! Clarke! You're not gonna believe what-" Harper stopped in her tracks when she noticed that the blonde wasn't alone but Anya, Raven, Octavia, Bellamy and Lincoln were with her. They were all gathered around on the couch, eating pizza. She looked at all of them with wide eyes and bit her lip wondering if she should keep talking. It was five in the evening which meant that Lexa could be leaving with her date any minute. It's clear that she hasn't told anyone of her plans.

"Hey, Harps. What's up?" Clarke asked as Harper walked into the living room slowly.

"I um, just finished talking to Lexa," Harper cleared her throat before continuing. "She's going on a date." Harper informed the group who looked at her with gaping expressions. It was better just to rip off the Band-Aid. Harper could see the different emotions running across Clarke's face; hurt, anger and sadness. No one said anything and maybe Harper should have said this in private although she doesn't think It would've made much of a difference. It was as If Clarke was frozen in time. She was sitting on the couch looking back at Harper but she wasn't moving. She pulled her lip into her mouth and then blew out a breath. Then she took another breath then another, before she finally spoke.

"Okay." Clarke said and she got up and went to the kitchen. Once she was out of ear shot, the questions started flooding in.

"Is she really?" Octavia asked.

"No way." Bellamy said.

"With who?" Lincoln asked and so on.

"The girl she went home with yesterday. I don't know if she slept with her but they apparently must've had a good time for her to ask Lexa out," Harper said as she glanced toward the kitchen. "I'm gonna go check on Clarke." Harper turned around and left the living room.

When she entered the kitchen. Clarke was clutching a beer in her hand and looking out the window above the sink longingly. She didn't even have to ask what she was thinking about.

"She said she asked her out last night. She also said she wasn't going to tell you." Harper said quietly as she put a comforting hand on Clarke's shoulder. Clarke was nodding but it was clear that she was lost in thought but Harper wasn't going to leave her. She would stay for as long as she'd like. A few minutes passed before they heard footsteps approach and Bellamy appeared. Harper took her hint to leave the two alone.

"Hey, princess." Bellamy greeted and Clarke grunted in response. Her ex-boyfriend would call her that when they were dating when she was a freshman in college. Clarke quickly dumped him when she found out that he was sleeping with other people. It was a nickname he used to call her and it stuck with the group.

"It's going to be okay." He said in the brotherly tone he always seems to possess and Clarke finally looked back at him with narrowed eyes.

"I lost her. How is that okay?" Clarke hissed as she took a swig of her drink and walked out of the kitchen. There was only one person she wanted to see right now (besides Lexa, she would give anything to see her) but it's been a while since she's seen this person but it doesn't hurt to go and try.

"I'm gonna go for a drive." Clarke announced as she grabbed her keys from the key bowl. They all nodded sympathetically.

"I can come with you." Bellamy offered and Clarke smiled sadly.

"It's okay. I want to be alone." Clarke kindly dismissed him and he nodded in understanding.

Clarke got in her car and drove the familiar path to her childhood home. She has no idea if her mother would even be there, she's probably at work but it doesn't hurt to try. She really wants to see her mom, they were in a rocky place when her dad died at the end of her senior year. Jake was always with them, they were hardly ever alone together but they have gotten better over the years. They have both been busy but they still call each other from time to time. She knows it would make her mother happy if she were to show up unannounced. Clarke smiled to herself when she saw her mom's car parked in the driveway of her childhood home. It was still in perfect condition and it's clear her mother has been gardening what with all the various amounts of flowers she sees along the walkway to the front door. She saw that the lights were on as she knocked on the door. It was only a few moments before the door whipped open and she saw her mother. She looked good, she was wearing jeans and a long-sleeved dark shirt. She smiled softly upon seeing her daughter in front of her and Clarke noticed the wrinkles around her eyes. Her hair was up in a bun and Clarke could detect some grey hair but she would never dare to mention that to her. She was wearing glasses, probably reading after a long day. She smelt the familiar smell of lavender and a home-cooked meal. She smelt home and before Clarke could stop herself, she started sobbing uncontrollably and her mother immediately moved into action. The smile on her face quickly disappeared when she saw the state of her daughter.

"Oh, honey. What's wrong?" Her mother cooed as she ushered her inside and sat down. Clarke willed herself to calm down enough to talk to her mom.

"I have a lot of things going for me," Clarke hiccupped as she calmed down. "I'm graduating in a month and I'm going to start the internship at the hospital you work at. I have a beautiful apartment and friends I love and a mother who is healthy. One may ask what I'm missing...?" Her voiced trailed of at the end.

Abby took this as her queue to ask, "What's missing?" She asked softly as she smoothed down Clarke's hair.

"The girl, mom. The girl." Clarke chocked out as more tears spilled out of her eyes.

"Oh, honey." Abby said as Clarke buried her head in her chest.

"I messed up bad, Mom. I love her." She admitted as she looked up at her Mom. Clarke didn't need to tell Abby who she was talking about, Abby already knew. It was Lexa. Lexa had become like a second daughter to her. How could she not when she was always with Clarke? But Abby adored Lexa. She was remarkable and bright and beautiful and she made Clarke happy even if Clarke didn't see it. Abby was afraid of this day, she was dreading it. She knew her daughter was in love but she was waiting for her to figure it out on her own and she has. Abby knows it couldn't have gone good, if her daughter is here crying in her arms.

"I blew it. She asked me to give her a reason to stay instead of going home with some other girl and I said there wasn't and she left with that girl and Harper just told me, she's going out on a date tonight or right now actually." Clarke said as she looked over at the TV stand and saw it read eight o'clock.

"I'm sorry, sweetie. Have you told her your feelings?" Her mom asked.

"No, but she made hers clear and I just completely stepped all over them. I'm a complete monster. What is wrong with me?" Clarke asked rhetorically. "I'm scared, mom. I love her so much but she's out with another girl and I don't know what to do. She doesn't want to talk to me, she said we should just focus on school instead." Clarke told her and Abby felt a pang in her chest, it was never easy seeing your child hurt. It took Abby by surprise when Clarke told her that she was sleeping with her and now it makes much more sense as to why her daughter is in ruins. Sex complicates things.

"Hey, on the bright side. I made your favorite, taco bake. There's some left-over on the stove if you want it. I haven't put it away yet." She wanted to try to cheer her daughter up even though she didn't think it was possible.  At the grumble of Clarke's stomach, she agreed.

Abby watched her daughter as she ate. She looked so mature, like the woman she raised her to be. She doesn't know what's going on between her daughter and Lexa but she hopes they can figure this out.

"How is it?" Abby asked, they were sitting on the couch watching TV quietly.

"Do you even have to ask? It's amazing." Clarke all but moaned. The downside to living in such a nice apartment with friends, none of them really knew how to cook. They knew how to cook breakfast foods and that was about it. They were all rocky when it came to dinner food. Abby chuckled a little bit, pleased by the answer.

"So, you ready to start interning?" Abby asked and Clarke sighed. She hasn't put much thought into it, obviously she knows its going to happen once she graduates, to intern and then hopefully make resident and follow into her mom's footsteps, making chief resident three years in a row. She admired her mom's talent and wasn't all that surprised that it was passed down to her.

"I am. It'll keep me busy." And that was the truth or so Clarke hoped. She wanted to stay busy, she didn't want to think about a few months down the road or if Lexa will ever talk to her again. She was really mad when she went over there and she doesn't want to think about that at all.

"This is true." Her mom replied as Clarke finished up the rest of her dinner.

"But it's going to be okay. You will figure this out. Just give it time." Clarke knew her mom was talking about Lexa and she didn't want to wait around for it but If that's what Lexa wanted, Clarke will do.

* * *

"Tonight was amazing." Ontari said as they walked up to her apartment door. Lexa nodded in agreement as she stuffed her hands in her pockets.

"Do you want to come inside?" Ontari asked and Lexa looked at her apologetically.

"I don't think I should." Lexa said honestly and Ontari nodded.

"Last night was fun." Ontari said and swayed her hips more as she walked in front of Lexa. Lexa forced her eyes upwards as she smiled a little.

"Oh, yeah?" She taunted.

"Oh, yeah. You know what you are doing with that huge thing." Lexa tried not to get an ego boost, but hearing Ontari refer to her dick as a huge thing made her happy.

"Well, I'm sorry to disappoint but she won't be making an appearance tonight but I'll call you tomorrow." Lexa let her down gently.

"Sure, just call me whenever." Ontari said back and Lexa nodded and kissed her on the cheek.

"Call me soon, I mean it. The sex last night was to die for." Ontari said with a wink and Lexa breathed out a laugh as she waved and walked down the hall. Not once did she think about Clarke on her date.


	7. For The Night I Can't Remember

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is going to be a time jump. In case you guys were unclear both Clarke and Lexa are graduating at the same time in a week and Clarke and Lexa haven't talked since their last conversation in the beginning of last chapter.
> 
> I recommend you guys listen to "For The Nights I Can't Remember" By Hedley.

Lexa had just turned in her last test before her exam for her Public Law class. She felt good about it even though she was one of the last ones in the class. Professor Indra was one of those professors that let you leave after you take a test and there were only two students with Lexa when she was done. She liked to take her time and answer all the questions thoroughly because they weren’t multiple choice. She had turned around to get her stuff when her professor stopped her.

“Lexa, do you have a minute?” Her professor called, not to loud to disrupt the two other students working even though they were all the way in the back.

“I was wondering if you were free to lunch on Saturday? I would love to talk to about some things.” Her professor said and Lexa’s mind immediately went negative.

“Am I failing?” Lexa asked lowly.

“No, of course not. I just want to talk to you about a few things.” Her professor said vaguely. Lexa nodded, a little warily. Why was her professor inviting her to lunch?

“Sure, that would be great.” Lexa said and her professor offered her a small, rare smile.

“Great. I’ll email you the address.” Her professor informed her. Lexa nodded and walked out of the class after getting her things.

She went back to her apartment and got changed to go to the gym. That’s how her days went. She would go to class, then go to the gym and then go do some homework. She wouldn’t really go and hang out with her friends like Anya would, she didn’t want to risk the chance of running into Clarke. It’s been two and a half weeks since they’ve seen each other or talked and Lexa was miserable but she didn’t let it show. She faked a smile and went on with her day. She spent some time with Ontari, not a lot but it was enough. They didn’t really do anything physical, Lexa had stopped that, saying it wasn’t fair to her that she wasn’t really in it. Ontari understood that it had something to do with the blonde that night at the club.

She forced herself not to think about Clarke but her unconscious clearly wasn’t on board. There were mornings (many mornings) that she would wake up hard as a rock after having a sex dream about Clarke. Lexa can’t lie and say she hasn’t missed the sex because she has. She went from getting it on the regular to not getting it at all minus the two times she slept with Ontari and she was suffering.

After getting home and changing into some gym clothes, she headed off to the gym and thought about what her professor wanted to talk to her about on Saturday.

* * *

When Saturday rolled around, Lexa was a nervous mess. She had told Anya that her professor wants to meet and Anya found that odd and so did Lexa. What if her professor lied to her and she really was failing a class? That would absolutely crush her because she wants to graduate from college, to make something of herself. Her parents died in a car crash when she was young and she was bumped around from foster home to foster home, she never really had a home and when she was fifteen, she met Anya and lived with her. Anya was already eighteen at the time and she was living on her own and when she got accepted to college, Anya had enough money saved up for them to move into a apartment together. She wants to graduate from college, she thinks it’s important.

Lexa quickly got dressed after her shower and headed off to the address her professor sent her. When Lexa entered the restaurant, it was fancy but not too fancy and it was quiet, which Lexa was grateful for. Lexa told the hostess that she was meeting someone here under the name Indra and they ushered her off to the back on the restaurant. Lexa thought she chose a great booth, it was right over a large fish tank.

“Hello, Lexa.” Indra greeted her warmly and Lexa greeted her back and slid into the booth. The waiter asked for their drink order and they both said water. Lexa looked at her professor expectantly while she looked over the menu. Lexa decided she should do the same.

Before Lexa got to ask what she was doing here, the waiter came back with their waters and asked if they were ready to order. Lexa had barely looked over the menu. Indra ordered the lasagna dish and Lexa opted for the same thing. When the waiter left, Indra finally spoke.

“Do you want to know how many students I’ve taught?” Indra asked as she took a sip of her water. Lexa wasn’t sure if this was a trick question or not but she still answered it.

“Sure.” Lexa offered.

“Over two-thousand.” Indra answered and Lexa was a little taken back, that was a lot of students. Indra nodded upon seeing the surprise face on Lexa.

“I’ve taught over two-thousand students and they have graduated college and passed all my law classes and they are out doing amazing things right now. But it’s been a while since I’ve been taken back by another student, constantly learning things from her. It’s been a while since I’ve seen such passion in a student and I can just see the potential in her. My students are great but this girl is amazing.” Indra was interrupted by the waiter putting their plates on the table. They both said thank you to which the waiter nodded and walked off. They both start to eat their food while Indra kept talking.

“I feel like I’m being bias when I tell you I’ve had many great students but some students have failed my law classes, law just wasn’t for them and some weren’t as passionate because they were going after the money. Imagine my surprise when this young girl walks into my class and tells me she’s not in it for the money but for the passion. I was instantly fascinated, she never seemed to fail me and she was the first student in a long time who has aced all my tests. I see her being a fine lawyer one day and I want to help her out. Lexa, do you know who I’m talking about?” Indra finished off her spiel.

Lexa was at a loss for words. Indra couldn’t possibly be talking about her. In all honesty, Lexa thought the world of Indra. Yes, her classes were hard and half of her students were afraid of her but Lexa adored her. She was taking two classes with her for her final semester and two with a different professor. She always looked forward to going to them. She loved the way Indra teaches and she even saw Indra in action one class when they were doing practice trails.

“Are you talking about me?” Lexa asked in disbelief and Indra smiled this time a big, very, very rare smile.

“Yes,” Indra responded. “I am.”

“I’m gonna say something and I just want you to listen.” Indra said and Lexa nodded dumbly, still trying to comprehend what Indra just told her.

“I talked to some guys in my law firm, I don’t ever do this. I usually appoint students to different law firms but I hope you don’t mind, I told them about you.” Indra said warily and Lexa nodded dumbly again and Indra continued.

“I told them about this bright girl in my classes and I got all of their cards, you wouldn’t directly be working for me but with me under a guy name Gustus. If this is too much for you, I have two other cards to great lawyer firms. I want you to give them a call when you graduate. Gustus will be waiting on it.” Indra reached into her jacket pocket and pulled out the cards and slide them over to Lexa as she finished up her meal. Lexa looked at them carefully, they looked legit and she had no idea what she was going to do when she graduated. Right now, she was living under her parents inherited money. She obviously knew she wanted to work in a law firm, she just didn’t know which one and she looked over at Indra with wide eyes. Her professor had done so much for her and so little time and honestly Lexa was a little overwhelmed with emotions.

“Thank you.” Her voice was heavy and grateful. Indra had finished up her meal and asked for the check. Lexa said she could cover it but Indra just waved a hand at her and said it was on her. Lexa sat back once again taken back.

“I believe in you, Lexa and I want to help. I don’t want you to think I’m pitying you because of your background. I’m not. You will do well in this world and I can’t wait for it to happen. It would mean everything to mean if I could see your face working at Grounders Inc. alongside me. You might start out on the bottom but I can see you in that courtroom winning cases and when you become all big and popular, you just remember me.” It was a joke, possible the only joke she’s ever heard Indra crack. Lexa smiled at her, a big one with all of her teeth as the waiter returned the bill and they got ready to leave.

“Thanks, again. I’ll be sure to give Gustus a call. You are the best professor I’ve ever had.” Lexa said and she meant it. She could’ve sworn she saw a hint of a blush on her dark cheeks.

“You’re welcome and I’ll see you next week for the final.” Indra said as they both walked to their respected cars. Lexa nodded with a grimace, she loved school but the exams could be a pain.

Lexa didn’t know what she wanted to do with herself as she got into her Terrain. On instinct, she went to the first contact in her phone, Clarke with a little blush emoji. She put it there because more times than not, Clarke would text her to come over and have sex and Lexa would always blush when she got texts like that. She was getting ready to tap the call button when she remembered that they weren’t talking. Lexa let out a long sigh that sounded more like a groan and drove over to the bar. She knows it’s in the middle of the day. She knows that she should probably go home and tell Anya how it went, maybe even go and see Ontari but instead she was going to drink because she only wants to tell one person about this news and she can’t.

* * *

Lexa didn't know what time it was when she heard the door to the bar chime open. Lexa had far to many drinks to count but she wasn't blacked out drunk, at least not yet. The bartender cut her off a while ago and it's only four in the afternoon. Lexa had a far better sense of what was going on than she did an hour ago. The bartender kept making her down water by the glass and it was helping. She knows she isn't going anywhere anytime soon, she drunk to much and Lexa had no idea how she was going to get home. Lexa reached for her phone in her jacket pocket and she frowned when she felt that it wasn't there. She was starting to panic a bit and was even considering yelling out who took her phone before she heard a voice behind her. Soft, sweet and raspy. She knows that voice. She could be in the loudest  place and she would still be able to recognize that voice from in the middle of the crowd. She knows that voice, she's in love with it.

"Thanks for calling me." She heard the voice say to the bartender who nodded and handed Clarke something, Lexa was assuming it was her phone. Lexa immediately glared at the bartender. How dare he call her, he had no right.

"Why did you call her?" Lexa slurred. "She doesn't want anything to do with me. You know, I love her right? And she doesn't love me back. I don't want to see her. Why did you call her?" Lexa huffed loudly. It was a slur of words but you could hear what Lexa was saying loud and clear. Clarke tried to get her to be quiet and cooperate but Lexa wasn't having it. Clarke tried to get a hold of Lexa's arm but Lexa pushed her off.

"Come on, Lexa. You are drunk." Clarke tried to get Lexa up again and Lexa smacked her hands away.

"Don't touch me." Lexa growled and tried to focus on Clarke's face but she failed, she was seeing double.

"Come on, Lexa. Please. The bartender called me saying you were drunk off of your mind and I just want to get you home. Don't be stupid." Clarke pleaded.

"I'm not the stupid one here. You are." Lexa scoffed and Clarke looked at her with a pained expression and the bartender stayed quiet, watching the scene unfold before him, waiting to step in.

"Let's go." Clarke said through gritted teeth as she gathered up Lexa's stuff. Lexa was fighting a losing battle, she knew this. It's been two and a half weeks since she's seen Clarke and she's tried so hard to not cave and talk to her and now she's here and she's trapped. Clarke is completely sober and she isn't. The only rational thing to do is go with her.

"Fine." Lexa huffed once again and Clarke was close enough to smell the alcohol on her breath. With the (unwanted) help from Clarke, they made it to her Terrain and Clarke tried to buckle Lexa in when Lexa smacked her hands away and said she could do it herself. Clarke sighed and got into the driver side of the car. She saw that Lexa was struggling to get the seat belt to click so she gently moved Lexa's hands away, relieved that she let her and clicked the seatbelt into place.

The car journey home was quiet. Lexa felt like she was going to throw up any moment and she didn't know whether it was from being with Clarke or drinking to much. When Clarke turned another corner Lexa quickly asked her to pull over which Clarke did. Clarke had just stopped the car before Lexa threw the door open and doubled over, throwing up the contents in her stomach. Her breakfast this morning, her with lunch Indra and all the drinks she had. When she was done, she silently settled back in the car and Clarke was digging around in her purse before she handed Lexa a stick of gum. Lexa took it with a grumble and Clarke handed her another one and Lexa shot her a look, saying she doesn't need it.

"Trust me." Clarke said and Lexa scoffed.

"Yeah, look where that got me."

Clarke decided not to comment. She figured she was going to be Lexa's punching bag for the night and if this is what makes her feel better than so be it. Lexa just decided to take it, the quicker she does, the quicker she can get home and out of this car with Clarke. Lexa bit her tongue the whole way up to her apartment. Clarke was holding her up as they rode in the elevator and Lexa smelt the familiar smell of vanilla floating from Clarke. They walked into the apartment, more like Clarke walked and Lexa was being dragged. Anya wasn't home, she was out with Raven and the minute they got into the apartment Lexa went straight for the couch and planted down face first. Clarke was standing back awkwardly, debating whether or not she should stay or leave. Lexa is still drunk and she might need help with something or she might drunkenly fall over or something and she would be all alone. Clarke decided that she wasn't going to leave Lexa alone in this state and shut the door and took her shoes off. She then went over to take Lexa's shoes off too. Lexa was looking at her the whole time.

"Stay. I want you too" Clarke knew that Lexa was probably not going to remember anything that she is saying tomorrow morning but Clarke's heart still started to race. It's been two weeks and she missed the crap out of Lexa. She didn't think she could miss someone so much, besides her dad.

"Of course I'll stay." Clarke said quietly and Lexa seemed content with that answer and it wasn't long before she drifted to sleep.

Clarke was in one of the recliners watching TV while Lexa was passed out on the couch next to her when she heard the apartment door open. She heard footsteps and soon Anya was approaching her.

"Is she drunk?" Anya asked upon hearing her snoring friend.

"Yes, I was the first contact in her phone and the bartender called me to come get her." Clarke explained quietly so she wouldn't wake Lexa up.

"That's odd. She had lunch with her professor earlier on." Anya informed her and Clarke frowned, she had no idea about that.

"About what?"

"I don't know, neither did Lexa and now she's drunk." Anya said as she tried to piece together the events. She didn't get very far and it wasn't like she could ask Lexa because she was passed out.

"I'm going to carry her to her bedroom." Anya stated as she put her purse down. Clarke turned off the TV and awkwardly trailed behind them. Once Anya had tucked Lexa up in bed, she turned on Clarke.

"Out. Now." Anya demanded and Clarke turned around and out of the room. They both walked downstairs and out of ear shot so they wouldn't disturb Lexa.

"You messed this up, you know?" Anya asked and Clarke rolled her eyes, she knew this was coming. She already knew this.

"Yes, I kn-" Clarke didn't get to finish her statement before Anya cut her off.

"No, you don't know because Clarke Griffin thinks she knows everything and never has to take shit from anyone. She's been an absolute mess without you and this Ontari girl isn't fixing it. Only you can. She's trying to move on and I give her props for it but fuck, Clarke. You need to fix this. No one ever tells Clarke Griffin how to live her life and our friends aren't going to tell you, you are in the wrong because you are. You aren't some princess, you are far from it and I swear to god Clarke, if you don't fix this. I'm going to break some bone on your body. I haven't figured out which one it's going to be, but I will do it, if you don't talk to her tomorrow morning." Anya threatened and Clarke sat back and listened to Anya. Everything she is saying is true. Her friends haven't said a word to her about how wrong she is and maybe they should have but she hasn't been telling the whole story. Maybe she really is a monster.

"I will, Anya. I mean that." Clarke said honestly.

"Good. You should probably just sleep in the guest room because Lexa will kill me if she knows I let you sleep anywhere near her." Anya said seriously and Clarke nodded. Anya didn't say goodnight to her, just brushed past her into her room. Clarke let out a breath and walked upstairs to the guest bedroom.

She was determined to fix this tomorrow morning.

* * *

Clarke was the first to wake up, she figured Lexa would still be sleeping due to her hangover and Anya usually can sleep until noon. It was currently ten o'clock and Clarke decided to make some breakfast for the two.

Clarke was thankful neither one of them, mostly Anya hadn't woken up yet because Clarke was trying to avoid her. Clarke quickly made Lexa a plate of pancakes, bacon and eggs and got the pills out of the cupboard. Clarke walked upstairs into Lexa's room. Lexa's was currently starfishing her bed. Her arms were spread out above her head and her legs were spread wide towards the bottom. Anya must've undress her because she was only in her boxers and a sports bra. Clarke put the food on the tray down on the floor and went to go wake up Lexa.

"Lexa, wake up." Clarke shook her.

"Five more minutes." She grumbled softly and Clarke just shook her harder until eventually she popped her head up. She squinted her eyes in her bright room and looked over at Clarke.

"What the hell are you doing here?" She asked with venom in her voice as she got out of bed. She swayed a little bit but quickly caught herself. " What part of I don't want to see you, don't you get?"

"You were drunk and they called me. What did you want me to do, leave you there?" Clarke asked sarcastically and Lexa narrowed her eyes.

"You could've called Anya. I don't want you here."

"Can you please eat so you can take your pills? I know your head is killing you." Clarke said as she ignored Lexa previous comment and Lexa huffed at her. She avoided eye contact as she went to go put on some shorts and a t-shirt. Clarke handed over her food so she could eat. She would be more coherent after she had some food in her. She sat back on the bed and ate quietly.

"Thank for the food, I guess. You can leave now." Lexa said and Clarke shook her head. She was going to tell Lexa how she felt about her even if it's the last thing she did.

"I think we should talk." Clarke announced and Lexa narrowed her eyes.

"About what? Honestly, Clarke just leave so-"

"No!" Clarke shouted at her which took her by surprise. "I'm sorry." Clarke said as she took a deep breath. "About everything. The way I've been acting has been unacceptable. I've been acting like a complete child about this whole thing and I understand why you don't want to be around me." Clarke said honestly as Lexa was shoveling food into her mouth at a fast pace.

"I don't want to hear this, Clarke."

"I know. You want nothing to do with me but can I just... explain?" Clarke asked pleadingly. Lexa glanced at her as she continued eating. She needed to have her walls up. She would completely break down if she didn't. Lexa nodded her head slightly with a blank expression.

"When I found out Finn was cheating on me, I was a mess. He really hurt me and it had only been a year since my father died. I know Finn wasn't my forever but I still loved him. Then I found him in bed with another girl and it mentally fucked me up. I allowed that part of me to be closed off for so long because I couldn't bare the thought of ever being hurt like that and then you came along and slowly but surely, you swept me off my feet and then the night we had sex, I didn't want to allow myself to feel like that again so I suggested that we keeping having sex without the feelings part. But my feelings have always been there Lexa and they aren't going away. I don't want anyone else but you and that thought is scary because what if it doesn't work out? We are already a mess and we aren't even dating. I can be hurt Lexa but not by you. You are the one person I can truly say I love. Yeah, I loved Finn but not like this. This is completely different and I know this because I've been absolutely miserable without you. I can't bare to be away from you anymore. I want you and only you Lexa. I'm in love with you." Clarke closed her eyes as she talked. She was nervous to see Lexa's face but she finally said it. And she felt like the hugest burden has been lifted off of her shoulder. Even if this goes bad, at least Lexa knows now.

Clarke was starting to get a bit worried because Lexa wasn't saying anything and that's when Clarke chanced a look at her. She was looking down at her pillow, deep in thought. When she finally looked up, she had tears in her eyes.

"You love me?" Lexa asked in the smallest voice Clarke has ever heard.

"Yes! God, yes. Lexa I do and I'm not just saying that as a lure to get you to talk to me. I mean it. I've loved you for quite sometime now and it feels so good to say and-"

"Then why did you let me go?" Lexa asked doubtfully as she started crying and Clarke was starting to panic.

"I was scared." Clarke replied and Lexa scoffed.

"But you still should've told me Clarke, fuck! Why didn't you tell me?" Lexa asked and Clarke shook her head furiously.

"I don't know! Lexa, I don't but I'm telling you now and-"

"And you think everything is just going to be fine and dandy? That we are going to be walking on cloud nine? That I'm just going to forget everything that happened? Clarke, I begged for you like a damn puppy and you didn't say anything! You didn't say shit and now you think you can just confess your love to me and I was going to be okay with it?" Lexa got up and walked over to Clarke and Clarke was at a loss for words. This is not how this was suppose to go.

"Lexa, please. I'm trying to be honest with you and it's not like you said you were in love with me that night. That night you made it very clear that you had feelings for me but not once did you say you loved me. What did you want me to do?" Clarke pleaded and Lexa didn't say anything. Her expression was blank and Clarke was having a hard time telling what she was thinking.

"I slept with her." Lexa finally said and Clarke immediately felt tears in her eyes. She knew this was going to happen, she could feel it. She prepared herself for the day Lexa finally told her what she did that night and Clarke can't bring herself to be mad. They both have been going about this the wrong way. Neither one of them can be at fault for their actions that night. Lexa was free to do whatever she wanted. She may not have confessed her love for her but it was clear that she had feeling for her and Clarke let her go.

"How many times?" Clarke asked, bracing herself.

"Twice." Lexa breathed and Clarke sucked in a breath. Neither one of them said anything and they were standing right in front of each other.

"I'm not going to apologize for it." Lexa murmured.

"I'm not asking you too." Clarke barely voiced.

"You should've said something." Lexa huffed and Clarke kicked herself once again.

"I didn't know how and I know you gave me plenty of opportunities to say something and I know you probably want nothing to do with me but we've both been going about this the wrong way. I'm not going to hold you at fault for what happened that night, we were both in the wrong but I'm glad I finally told you how I feel. This isn't easy for me Lexa and I didn't think my feelings for you would be so strong but they are. I meant every word I said Lexa. I'm in love with you. I'm in love with you. I'm in love with you and I'm not going to stop saying it. I can't be hurt by what you did that night because it made me realize the depth of my feelings for you. Do I wish you didn't do it? Yeah, but I'm not going to hold it against you. You had every right to have sex with someone else. Even if we were on good terms, we weren't dating so you could do whatever you want. I can't be mad at you. The only person I'm mad at, is myself." Clarke said with confidence and Lexa finally, _finally_ broke her act.

"I tried so hard to be mad at you, to hate you. I kept telling myself to hate everything that you did but I can't Clarke. I could never hate you and you might hate me for sleeping with Ontari but I'm not seeing her. We went on one date and that was it and I felt guilty afterwards because the second I came home, I started thinking about you. I forced myself not to think about during the date and it worked for the most part. I can never stop thinking about you, but I told my mind too but I thought you didn't want me so I acted like an ass when you came to see me. I'm sorry."

"Don't apologize. I'm the one who needs to apologize, if I would've just said how I felt or asked you to stay we wouldn't be in this mess."

Lexa walked back over to sit down and with careful steps Clarke followed her. Lexa was sitting up by her pillows and Clarke was sitting towards the end of the bed.

"Where do we go from here, Clarke? I know you said you weren't mad that I slept with someone, but you can't really be okay with it, can you?" Lexa asked unsure.

"I'm not okay with it but I have to be, because it happened and nothing is going to change that." Clarke said. They were quiet after that. Neither one of them knew what to say.

"I never thought we'd end up like this." Clarke confessed with sad eyes. She didn't think sleeping with her best friend what turn into a shit storm but it did.

"Me neither." Lexa whispered and Clarke looked up at her. She looked so beautiful with the sun reflecting off of her brown locks. Her hair was a curly mess in the mornings and Clarke always thought she looked cute with them. Most of the time she had her hair straighten or pulled back into a intricate style of braids. Clarke couldn't find it in her self to look away. Lexa eyes were soft when she looked at her and they held each other's gaze for a few minutes before they were interrupted by a door opening and closing.

"Oh, and Anya got you undress not me." Clarke informed Lexa. She didn't want her to think she was overstepping her boundaries with the girl.

"Oh, okay." Lexa said and then continued. "I'm glad you told me. That you love me. I know I made my feelings clear that night and I'm sorry for never flat out saying it to you. But, can you blame me? I mean look how we ended up." Lexa sucked in a breath before continuing. "But I do. Love you I mean. I love you." Lexa finished and Clarke looked at her with hopeful eyes. It was a mess of a morning and it was a mess of a situation and Clarke didn't know where they were going to end up and if they were going to end up with each other but it meant everything in the world to hear Lexa say those three words back to her.

"You were right, Clarke. We both have been going about this all wrong. We don't know how to be with each other because we were never with each other. I know I'm in love with you and my words and actions didn't line up. I messed up too and I'm glad that we are finally talking this out because you were right, I can't go another day without talking to you Clarke. I missed you." Lexa confessed.

"I was so stupid, Lexa. I lost a really good friend in this and I'm not saying we can't ever be friends again but I think maybe after we graduate, we should really sit down and talk about what is going to happen between us. Because I meant it when I said that I don't want to be with anyone but you and I know I can't be with anyone but you. I just want you Lexa and I'm not saying this to hurt you but it's clear that we need more time. We shouldn't jump straight into this, to many things have happened for us to do that. I think we should have more time to figure out what we want but I want that line of commutation open. I want to be able to talk to you and I don't want to avoid you on the most important day of our lives. I think maybe we should talk a step back from the whole sex thing and focus on the feelings. Maybe we can start hanging out again, like old times. It's clear that we need to rebuild this relationship. Whether it's just friendship or not. You are to important to me for me to lose. I can't lose you, Lexa but I miss you. I miss us." Clarke confessed, it was hard for her to talk about her feelings but she needed to, she can't lose Lexa. Lexa knew this wasn't going to be some fairytale where they both say I love you and everything just magically falls into place. They are going to have to work together to work on their broken relationship. Lexa wished it was a fairytale because it meant everything to her to hear Clarke say that she loves her. But, this is real life and in real life people make mistake and do dumb things to protect themselves from getting hurt. Lexa couldn't regret what she did with Ontari because all she was trying to do was mend her broken heart.

"My professor asked me to lunch yesterday." Lexa said and Clarke could tell she was trying to start a conversation and she was grateful for it, she missed talking to Lexa.

"Anya told me. So, how did you end up at the bar after that?" Clarke asked curiously.

"She was saying all these nice things about me. About how I would be a great lawyer. No one has ever said that to me well, besides you." Lexa blushed. "She gave me a few cards to law firms I could apply to, one of them is a law firm she works at. She said she never gives students the one she works at but she gave me it. I could be working in the same building as her." Lexa said with bright eyes and Clarke heart ached but in a good way. She was happy for Lexa.

"I went to drink after that because I just wanted to be by myself and really process this and I couldn't talk to you because we weren't talking." Lexa ended quietly and Clarke's heart lurched in her chest.

"This whole thing has been shit, Lexa. I really think we should start over and most importantly establish that line of communication. I'm not trying to attack you but we both need to work on our communication skills and I guess it was lacking when we started sleeping with each other because when you think about it, we would call and text each other all the time and when we started sleeping together, that changed. We would only contact each other when we wanted to have sex and that needs to change. I'm guilty of it but you aren't completely innocent when it comes to communicating either."

Lexa sigh, "You're right. Both our communication skills have been bad. We should start over," Lexa said and she wanted nothing more. "But I think we should start after we graduate. Like you said, we should take some time and really think about this but I was being honest when I said that I wasn't seeing Ontari because I'm not." Lexa said seriously.

Clarke nodded her head. This was bound to happen. They may have cleared the air right now but it was clear that the tension was still high between them. They needed more time.

"Okay, after graduation. I'll call you and we can talk. I know we had plans to have a dinner celebration with everyone but maybe we can go somewhere, just the two of us and talk." Clarke suggested.

"Okay, yeah. Maybe we can go down to the beach. It's usually not that full at night. We can go next Sunday after graduation." Lexa said and Clarke nodded.

"Okay, well. I guess I'll leave you to it. I'll see you next Sunday." Clarke said as she got up and then remembered that she walked over to the bar and that she drove Lexa's car here. "I need to call Octavia real quick to see if she can come pick me. I don't want to put you through that trouble. She can come get me." Clarke said before Lexa had a chance to argue. Lexa quickly agreed with her before Octavia was on her way to come pick her up.

"Can I hug you?" Clarke asked as they approached the door and Lexa gave her a little nod. Clarke walked up to her slowly as if stuck in time and wrapped her arms around Lexa's neck as Lexa wrapped her arms around her waist. They stayed like that until Octavia called her, asking her what was taking so long.

"I'll see you next Sunday?" Clarke asked to make sure.

"Yes," Lexa nodded. "I'll see you then."

* * *

 "Olivia Grandson." The announcer spoke into the speaker and the girl being called happily got up from her seat to receive her diploma.

They were all gathered in the patriot center of their college. Lexa was looking left and right trying to remember this place. Most people would be in a hurry to get out of her but Lexa was going to miss this place. It made something of her. Lexa sat and listened as the announcer went through the names by last name. She knows Clarke is going soon since she's in the G's. Every one of their friends and Abby were in the stands somewhere. Lexa was having a hard time trying to find them.

"Clarke Griffin." The announcer said and she heard cheers disrupt and she looked above her and to the right and sure enough, all of her friends were cheering for her. They were yelling things but Lexa couldn't figure out what. Lexa found herself clapping along with the rest of the students and she felt proud In that moment. They had taken the whole week off to figure out what they want to do and focus on exams which they both passed them all. Lexa felt happy as she watched Clarke walk across the stage. Clarke was searching through the mass of students and Lexa was sure she was looking for her and when she did, she gave Lexa the hugest grin she had every seen. Lexa couldn't help but smile back and they were staring at each other before the usher kindly asked her to go back to her seat.

Clarke took her seat but not before glancing back at Lexa one more time and she waited impatiently for the announcer to get to the W's. Clarke couldn't wait to get out of there and tell Lexa she wants to be with her and not in a physical way but in every other way. Clarke wants to take Lexa out on dates and hold her hand and cuddle and other the other mushy stuff Clarke was trying to avoid. But she doesn't want to avoid it with Lexa.

"Alexandria Woods." Upon hearing her name, Clarke jumped up from her seat and starting cheering for Lexa as she walked up on stage, in the background she can hear her friends shouting and cheering too. It was such a happy moment for Clarke, they may not have talked that whole week but it was clear what Clarke wanted to do. She wanted to be with Lexa and she wanted to put the pass behind them.

Once the ceremony was over, they were ushered backstage where they went up the stairs and outside to go find their families and loved ones. Clarke immediately sought out Lexa with her friends and mom. Abby immediately run up to Clarke and lifted her up in the air. Clarke was a little caught off guard, she didn't know her mom was that strong. All of her friends were next and then Clarke stopped, seeing that there was only one person left she hadn't hugged. Before she could do anything about it, her mom spoke.

"So, celebratory dinner?" Abby asked and Clarke looked over her apologetically.

"I'm sorry mom. Me and Lexa have plans to go to the beach." Clarke said as she looked over at Lexa who nodded.

"Oh." Abby knew the pair still had many things to work out so she didn't question it.

"Well, maybe tomorrow? And you can't use school as in excuse because you just graduated." Abby joked.

"Sure, yeah. We can get everyone together tomorrow." Clarke said and her mother hugged her again.

"Are you ready?" Raven asked and Clarke looked over to her standing with Octavia. She had came out and was honest with her friends about what really happened that night and Raven and Octavia yelled at her for the most part. They got over it though and Raven and Octavia were ready to see her friend happy and they know Lexa is the only person that will make that happen.

"Make sure you be honest and tell her everything. Even if you already said it, say it again." Octavia commented to which Raven nodded.

"Yeah, we clearly all know how stubborn you can be." Raven reminded her and Clarke grimaced, they were right.

"I will and yeah, I'm ready to go get my girl." Clarke said as she looked over to Lexa who was in conversation with Harper, she was probably apologizing about everything that has happened.

"Atta girl." Raven said.

"Good luck," Octavia said. "We are so proud of you." And they both pulled Clarke in for a hug.

"Go get your girl." Raven said as she pushed Clarke toward Lexa. Clarke blushed upon being in Lexa's view. Harper quickly disappeared with Monroe.

"Hey, you ready to go?" Clarke asked and Lexa nodded. Anya came over and hugged Lexa while looking Clarke in the eye, more like glaring. Clarke wasn't completely off the hook when it came to Anya but she was in the process of making things right so Anya wasn't all that mad at her.

"Alright, Let's go." They all followed them to Lexa's Terrain. They waited before they were both in the car before saying goodbye again.

Lexa drove off with her heart full of love and now she was ready to figure out what she wanted to do with Clarke and Clarke was ready to figure it out too.


	8. We can be adults

"Do you want to stop and get something from Grounders before we head to the beach?" Lexa asked as she turned a corner. They had stopped by Lexa's apartment to get some clothes to change into. They changed in separate rooms. Lexa was wearing shorts and a simple shirt while Clarke was wearing some of Lexa's leggings and a white band shirt.

"Yeah, sure. That will be fine." Clarke said back and Lexa headed towards their favorite burger place. Lexa ran in to go get their food while Clarke waited in the car. She was rubbing her hands together, she was nervous. She knows they cleared the air last week but tonight is the night they really figure out if they are going to be together or not and Clarke was a mess of nerves but she's not going to back down. She did that before and it created a huge mess. Before she could ponder it anymore, Lexa showed up with the food. She was carrying a large to-go bag and a drink holder with two drinks in it. Clarke took the drink holder from her and the food as Lexa put her seatbelt on. Clarke almost moaned at the smell of the food. She hasn't eaten since before the graduation and she is hungry, it's almost seven o'clock at night.

The car ride was quiet, filled with music playing in the background. Both of them were in their own world, thinking about what they were going to say to each other. It wasn't long before Clarke saw the familiar signs pointing down towards the beach. The sun was setting and it was starting to get dark outside. They both got out of the car and headed down to the beach. Clarke was carrying the food and Lexa was carrying a blanket and the drinks. Clarke's heart thudded in her chest, _this was it_.

When they got down to the beach, most people were leaving for the day. Lexa picked a spot where no one was around and laid out the blanket and sat down. Clarke did the same thing, crossing her legs. Clarke wordlessly got Lexa's food out then hers. It was quiet as they listened to the waves rolling into shore. There were waves in Clarke's stomach and she's surprise that she's even eating right now.

"So, um. How was your week?" Lexa asked awkwardly and Clarke offered her a small smile.

"It was good, stressful but I'm glad I passed and I'm ready to start interning but I have some time in between."

"Yeah, you start at the end of this month right?" Lexa asked and Clarke nodded. It was the beginning of May and Clarke had the rest of the month to chill before she was plunged into long hours of work.

"That's exciting." Lexa said and she was happy for Clarke. She knows how much Clarke wanted this and she has it.

"You gonna call the firm soon?" Clarke asked, knowing that Lexa would put it off for sometime. Not because she doesn't want it but because she's scared. She's finally doing what she wants and not many people get to do that and she can't wait to see Lexa in action.

"Yeah, not yet though. Maybe tomorrow or Tuesday. I'm nervous." Lexa confessed with a sheepish smile.

"Don't be. I know how much you want this and you should go for it. You are going to do great." Clarke said sincerely.

"Thank you. It means a lot coming from you." Lexa said.

It was quiet for some time. There was a family of four playing around with a football off to the side of them and the waves were rolling into the shore creating a calm environment which Clarke was grateful for. After they finished eating, Lexa got up and went to go throw their trash away. When she came back, she approached quietly and awkwardly. It was time for them to talk and they didn't have a cover anymore because they finished eating. Neither one of them knew how to start the conversation.

"So, did you-"Lexa started.

"I've been thinking-" Clarke stopped when she realized that Lexa was talking.

"No, no. You go ahead." Lexa nodded and took a breath.

"So, did you think about anything? You know, pertaining to us?" Lexa asked and Clarke smiled at Lexa's awkwardness.

"I have, Lexa." Clarke said honestly. "This whole week I thought a lot about what I wanted and I want you Lexa. I want to be with you. But we can't rush this. A lot of good things are happening to us just not with us which sucks. And I think we should focus on rebuilding more than anything." Clarke said bravely as she looked over to Lexa.

"That's a good idea. We both need a lot of work when it comes to a relationship." Lexa said and Clarke nodded.

"We do but I still want to be with you for years to come." Clarke said honestly, it's all she wants.

"Me too," Lexa confessed. "That's all I've ever wanted, to be with you and I think we should put the past behind us and focus on trying to build a future. Because I want a future with you Clarke, that's all I want. And I know we did some dumb things but I think if we didn't, we wouldn't be right here talking right now."

"You're right. We should take things slow, see how it works out. I was wondering," Clarke cleared her throat before she talked again. "Maybe we can hang out next week, maybe on Friday?" Lexa was currently looking out at the waves but upon hearing Clarke's question, she looked over to Clarke with soft eyes.

"Really?"

"Yeah. I think it's a step in the right direction. We blurred the lines between sex and friendship and I really want our friendship back."

"Me too." Lexa said as she scooted closer to Clarke. She looked like she wanted to hug her but she was withholding.

"You can hug me, you know." Clarke stated and they both felt as if some tension had been relieved.  

Lexa jumped up from where she was sitting and lounged for Clarke. Lexa was laying completely on top of Clarke and Clarke didn't mind one bit. Lexa had her hands wrapped around Clarke's shoulders and Clarke had her hands on the sides on Lexa's hips.

"I can't wait to hang out." Lexa whispered into her ear.

"Me too." Clarke said as she placed a tentative kiss to the side of Lexa's head. Lexa didn't mind at all but she reluctantly got off of Clarke, even though they were just hugging, they were in public and she didn't want to give anyone a show.

"You know I wasn't trying to hurt you right?" Lexa asked as she bit her lip. She didn't want to bring this up after what she thought was a happy moment for them but she needed to get this off of her chest.

"I mean I don't think I was trying to. One might say I was but honestly I was just trying to feel something that night," Lexa looked back out to the ocean. "I shouldn't have put that much pressure on you. I know my feelings have been clear but I was way out of line. I knew about your dad and Finn and I still tried to force you to try and be with me and that wasn't cool of me. I shouldn't have put you in that position. It was stupid of me to do." Lexa said honestly.

Clarke nodded and didn't really know what to say to that. They have so many things to work on and she isn't going to push Lexa away because of one (two) mistakes.

"Okay, I understand where you are coming from. It was clear that you had feelings for me and I just stepped all over them. I should've acknowledge them. If it was to hurt me or not, I deserved it."

Lexa looked at Clarke seriously, "No, you didn't. I'm sorry."

"Don't apologize. I can't blame you for this and I'm gonna make this right, Lexa. I'm going to fight for you." Clarke said with determination and Lexa smiled at that.

"So, we're gonna start hanging out again?" Lexa asked with a hopeful smile, she couldn't hide it even if she wanted to.

"Yup! I'm free until the end of this month." Clarke joked but she was became serious upon seeing Lexa's frown. Clarke instantly knew what she was thinking about. "But in the meantime, we can hang out like we used too. Unfortunately without the sex though. We have the dinner tomorrow night at my mom's place. She's not going to let you out of that since we took off after graduation." Clarke added.

"You know I'll be there if it means I can see you." And Clarke blushed at that. She missed her sweet Lexa. The past few weeks all she's been getting is cold Lexa. Clarke scooted closer to Lexa and laid her head on her shoulder and Lexa wrapped an arm around her shoulder. Clarke smiled despite herself.

"Me too. I can't wait to see you. I know you're going to wear one of those button-ups that I like." Clarke said.

"Hey, what if they ask about us? You know they will. Everyone knows what happened between us." Lexa asked after a minute. 

"We can tell them the truth. That we are working things out. I don't think we should tell them we are together because we aren't but we will be."

"Oh, really?" Lexa asked with a smirk.

"Yes, I'm on a mission to get my girl back." Clarke said as she lifted her head off of Lexa's shoulder to look at her. She glanced down towards Lexa's soft lips and back up into her green eyes. She saw Lexa do the same but she knows that they are suppose to be taking things slow. Kissing was not taking things slow.

"I like this mission. You should tell me more about it." Lexa finally spoke to relieve some of the tension around them.

"Ah. Well, you know. I was being stupid and didn't tell this amazing girl how I felt and things went to shit before I could even comprehend what was happening. Now, I've made it my life mission to get her back and love her." Clarke said seriously and Lexa looked back at Clarke, not before glancing down at her lips.

"That sounds like a great mission. I'm on a mission myself you know."

"Oh, really?" Clarke played along.

"Yeah, turns out, I was acting like an ass towards a girl I have feelings for and I even slept with someone else which was stupid and I made it my life mission to make sure she knows she's the only one for me." Lexa said and Clarke felt a lump swell up in her throat. She hoped to god that they can complete their missions.

"That sounds like a great mission." Clarke said as she laid her head back on Lexa's shoulder. They stayed like that for the longest time. Hours had passed with them just sitting there and watching the waves go by until it finally got dark outside and Lexa started to yawn.

"Come on, let's get you home." Clarke said and Lexa was to tired to argue.

"I can drive." Clarke insisted.

"No, no. I can drive." Lexa said sleepily.

"Lex, you can barely keep your eyes open. Let me drive." Lexa reluctantly gave over the keys. When Clarke got into the driver's seat, she looked over at Lexa to make sure that she was all buckled. When she saw that she was, she went to turn the engine on and looked back over at Lexa's because she couldn't help herself and noticed Lexa sporting a huge, sleepy grin.

"What?" Clarke asked out of curiosity.

"You called me Lex." Lexa said with a triumphed grin and Clarke rolled her eyes. She knows how much Lexa loves it when she calls her by her nickname, Clarke is really the only one who can get away with calling her that. Well, besides Anya.

"Go to sleep, sweet girl." Clarke said and Lexa hummed contently and before Clarke could even pull out onto the road, Lexa was asleep.

* * *

 "I can help you with that, mom." Clarke tried to take the knife out of her mother's hand.

"No, this is your graduation party. I can handle it. You just make sure your friends have enough snacks and drinks. I'm working on the main dish." Abby chided and Clarke sighed. She knew there was going to be no reasoning with her mother.

Her graduation party was in full swing. Everyone was here and around at Clarke's childhood home and her heart swelled in her chest with all her friends being here, supporting her. Lexa was in the corner with Harper, Clarke just so  _happened_ to notice. She was wearing a dark blue, long sleeved button-up with dark jeans and black ankle boots and she looked _stunning._ Her make up was there but it was subtle and she looked gorgeous. Clarke had a really hard time keeping her eyes off of her.

"Take a picture, It'll last longer." She heard Raven whisper in her ear and Clarke nudged her hard with her elbow.

"Ouch!" She exclaimed.

"Oh, I bet it does hurt." Clarke hissed.

"We should open presents while the food is cooking. Shouldn't be too long but it's enough to open presents." Abby said excitedly as she came out of the kitchen. Clarke knitted her eyebrows together, she honestly had no idea that her mom had gotten any presents for her.

They all gathered around in the living room. Abby insisted that Lexa and Clarke share the same couch because she got a present for Lexa too. The look on Lexa's face when she told her that was priceless. Abby went to go get the presents, one was a huge rectangular box and the other one was a small rectangular box. Abby told them that the big one is for Lexa and the small one is for them both. She insisted that Lexa opens hers first before they open the small one together.

Lexa gently peeled off the wrapping paper, it was so nicely done she didn't want to wreck it. But once she was done, she was met with the box and she slowly pulled the top off of it and Lexa was not ready for what Abby had gotten for her. It was absolutely beautiful and Lexa knew she had tears in her eyes when she looked up and thanked Abby. Lexa looked back down at the black, leather brief case and back up at Abby again with awe. The brief case had a key lock on it and Abby said it came with a little key and that Lexa should put it on her keychain, which Lexa quickly did. The brief case looked brand new and had a sliver handle.

"Abby, this is amazing." Lexa breathed and everyone else was fanning over it. It was a nice briefcase.

"Well, I figured that you were going to need it for all those cases you get assigned too." Abby responded and Lexa got up to hug her. 

"Thank you." She whispered and Abby squeezed Lexa tight. She wanted to do something nice for the girl, despite her current status with her daughter. She wasn't going to be petty when it came to something like this. Lexa deserved this.

"You're welcome, sweetie. Now, go and open your other gift." Lexa happily obeyed.

The small rectangular box was in Clarke's hand and when Lexa sat down, Clarke impatiently ripped off the wrapping, a complete contrast to how Lexa opened her gift only moments ago. The two looked down at the pieces of paper in Clarke's hands before they realized that they were tickets and when they both read where the tickets were too, their eyes bulged.

"Mom! You didn't! But she did because I'm staring right at them!" Abby snorted at her daughter's reaction. She was saving up big time for this. Her daughter always talked about how she wanted to go to Hawaii and now she can. Clarke turned the tickets sideways.

"Lexa! Theses are first class tickets!" Clarke squealed and Lexa let out a little squeal herself. Their friends watched on with happy smiles.

"But wait, there are only seven tickets." She knew her friend group was more than that which means half of them weren't coming.

"I had already planned who was going and who wasn't. Some of them couldn't get off in time and the rest could. Anya, Raven, Octavia, Lincoln and myself are the only ones who can go." Abby said apologetically.

"Yeah, sorry Clarke. Some of us have to work." Harper joked and the half of them that wasn't going agreed.

"You better live it up for me in Hawaii, Princess." Bellamy said.

"You know I will." Clarke said back and Bellamy seemed satisfied with that answer.

"But, it sucks that most of you can't go. How did you do this?" Clarke directed her question towards her mom.

"Well, I didn't know what to get you for your graduation present and I wanted to do something big because you deserve it so you can go on this trip and experience everything it has to offer." Her mom explained and Clarke got up to hug her mom, which Lexa followed suit. They all held on to each other for a few minutes before the timer went off in the kitchen. Abby was more than happy that her daughter was working it out with Lexa and she hoped that one day, Lexa would become her daughter-in-law.

"Alright, let's go eat."

* * *

"Your mom is seriously amazing." Lexa said as she stayed behind to help clean up.

"I know right. It's going to be so much fun and can we just agree that we will be as civil as possible? I'm almost positive my mom is going to make us sure a room." Clarke said as she threw away some plates. She kicked her mother out of the kitchen and told her to go upstairs to relax. Clarke and Lexa were the only two left in the big house. Everyone went home and Lexa insisted she stay back and help Clarke clean.

"I don't know, it's going to be tough." Clarke looked over to Lexa to see her lost in thought.

"What will be?" Clarke asked in confusion.

"You. Me. On the beach. You wearing one of those hot bikinis. It's going to be tough." Lexa said almost dreamily and Clarke nodded in agreement.

"We are both adults. We can control ourselves."

"Could we really control ourselves this trip?" Lexa asked.

"We have to. We are suppose to be taking this slow." Clarke answered and Lexa blew out a breath. There was all kinds of tenstion between the two. None of them knew how this trip was going to Hawaii was going to go but they hoped it will be good.

* * *

"I can't wait to fly first class." Lexa said, sitting next to Clarke on the couch. Raven and Octavia were out and it was agreed that they should stay somewhere where it would be easy for them to get caught. If they were up in Clarke's room, who knows the amount of damage they could do, pun-intended.

Clarke was nervous because it's been a while since she's been alone with Lexa without anything physical happening. It wasn't weird per say, but it was foreign and Clarke felt bad for thinking that. They really had blurred the lines. This was suppose to be one of her best friends and she didn't know how to act around her.

"I know, it's going to be awesome." Clarke said trying to break out of her thoughts. They were sitting in the living room, eating pizza and watching some of their favorite movies. They use to do this a lot before they started sleeping together and Clarke was happy that they were talking again and on good terms. They had texted and called each other all week and Lexa called Clarke after she had called the firm.

"Clarke! You won't be what just happened to me." Lexa had squealed into the phone.

"What?" Clarke played along even though she knew what Lexa was going to say.

"I called Gustus! And he gave me the job! I mean he still wants to set up an interview and all but he's interested and wants to take a chance on me. I'm gonna start out doing paperwork but it's better than nothing and I'm going to get paid for it. Indra really did put in a good word for me, not to mention that she works there too. There's a really big possibility that Indra would just make me her assistant and pay me and all that to see what she does on a daily basis." Lexa explained.

"That sounds amazing. I'm happy for you." Clarke said into the phone and Lexa smiled despite herself.

"I'm going to be really busy. And when you start your interning, you are going to be busy too." Lexa said seriously and Clarke sighed. That was a very clear point and while Clarke is happy they are doing good jobwise, she was dreading it actually happening.

"We should spent as much time as possible with each other before we become really busy. I meant it when I said I want to make this work and hang out with you."

"And I want that too." Lexa whispered into the phone.

They both stayed up for the majority of the night just talking. It was nice, they didn't talk about what has happened between them and to them but they talked how they used to and even though it wasn't said, it was clear that they both loved being on good terms.

"I should let you go." Lexa said sleepily and Clarke chuckled into the phone.

"Yeah, you should probably go. But I'll text you tomorrow morning." Clarke promised and Lexa smiled.

"I can't wait."

And Clarke stayed true to her word, she had texted her the next morning and they talked all through out the day. They both were ecstatic that they were _finally_ on the same page when it came to their relationship. And so it brought them on the couch on a Friday night. They definitely would be spending this night a totally different way if it were a couple months ago and Clarke couldn't deny the fact that she wants Lexa and she's thinking now that she could text Raven and Octavia to come home but Clarke's almost positive that they are on a double date.

Clarke didn't see the reason to get all dressed up if they were just going to be hanging around each other. Both were lounging around in their sweats and Clarke directed her gaze downwards far to many times to count but she couldn't help herself. She was going absolutely insane without sex and she knows that they shouldn't act on their feelings and instead strengthen their relationship but she's having the hardest time because Lexa looks so hot right now (She looks hot all the time) and Clarke is literally restraining herself from jumping her bones. She's put space between them when she came back from the bathroom and Lexa didn't question it. _Jurassic World_ was playing in the background and although they were both watching it (Lexa was watching it, Clarke was watching her) the air between them felt thick. They would glance at each other every couple of minutes and when they got caught, they would turn their heads and pretend that they were watching the TV. It happened far to many times before Lexa let out an exaggerated sigh and looked over to Clarke. Clarke was staring at her and when she saw Lexa turn, she tried to turn her head to the TV but she knows she's been caught.

"This sucks," Lexa said with a pout and Clarke nodded sadly, she already knows what she's referring too. "We can't even make out." Lexa added with another pout and Clarke had an idea but she would blush just thinking about it. She shouldn't say it (She's going to).

"Maybe we can go to my room." Clarke suggested and Lexa's eyes widened.

"I have an idea and it can't be done in the living room." Clarke said as she batted her eyelashes.

"What is it?" Lexa asked warily.

"We could masturbate together. We can go to my room and turn something on, I don't know but Lexa I can't keep sitting here like this. I'm so wet and it's driving me insane." Clarke saw Lexa swallow hard but she looked up at her and nodded.

"Okay." Lexa said breathlessly as she quickly turned the TV off and followed Clarke upstairs.

They both got situated on the bed after Clarke turned on her lights and TV, she turned to the adult channel where some guy was pounding some girl from behind and Clarke instantly felt another flood of wetness in her panties but she looked over to Lexa and she saw her cheeks bright red.

"I can turn it off-"

"No, no. I- This is hot. It's okay," Lexa said with a shy smile. "So should we take our sweatpants off?" Lexa asked after a minute and Clarke nodded as she took her sweatpants off and Lexa followed suit. Lexa was already hard and Clarke had a huge wet spot in her underwear. Clarke quickly took them off and started rubbing herself. She threw her hand back and moaned while Lexa watched her in awe and her dick twitched painfully in her boxer briefs.

She knows that they shouldn't be doing this but it's been a month of nothing but tension between them and Lexa doesn't think she can hold out any longer. She knows that they won't have sex but this is the next best thing. Lexa decided not to think about it anymore and just do it. She didn't know who she wanted to watch, Clarke or the TV. But she opted for the TV so Clarke could do her thing. She was still rubbing herself but now she focused back on the TV. Lexa took her boxers off and her dick flopped out against her stomach. She grabbed it and started jerking herself off. The guy had switched positions and was now taking the girl missionary while she was moaning uncontrollably. Lexa looked back over to Clarke in the fairly lit room and saw that Clarke now had two fingers deep inside her and Lexa couldn't help but moan.

"You look so hot right now." Lexa breathed while stroking her dick.

"I wish you were fucking me." Clarke confessed and Lexa moaned again, jerking herself off faster. She could already feel her orgasm coming. Clarke was pounding her fingers in and out of her at a fast pace and Lexa could just _hear_ her wetness and almost cried. She wanted to be inside of her so badly.

"Me too." Lexa said through gritted teeth and Clarke's moans got louder.

"Wait, wait. Lexa come here." Clarke motioned in between her legs and Lexa quickly got up and situated herself between Clarke's legs. She was so close to Clarke's entrance, all she had to do was more over an inch and thrust forward. She almost did before Clarke spoke again.

"Start jerking yourself off again." Clarke demanded as her thumb came up to rub her clit and she choked out a breath. Lexa quickly settled in between Clarke's legs on her knees and she spit in her hands to make it easier for her to jerk off.

Lexa could tell Clarke was close as she pumped her dick in the hand and Lexa was close too. It's been so long since anything physical happened between them and Lexa's head was spinning. She could smell Clarke's arousal and it took everything in her to not say _fuck it and fuck her_. But Lexa settled with being in between Clarke's thighs as Clarke was fingering herself. The porn on the TV was long forgotten.

"Oh, fuck. Lex, I'm-" Clarke didn't finish her sentence as her body convulsed. She tried to squeeze her thighs together but remembered that Lexa was still in between them and settled with squeezing Lexa's hips as she came down from her high. Lexa didn't last much longer after Clarke and when she came, she quickly removed herself from Clarke's legs and aimed her dick up so that most of her cum would land on her stomach instead of Clarke.

When they finished, they were both breathing hard and laying beside each other. Lexa knows things are different now but she still can't help but dread that Clarke might kick her out.

To her surprise, she didn't. Instead Clarke got up and went to get tissues for Lexa and handed it over to her. Lexa thanked her and wiped off her cum she got all over her stomach and hand and Clarke went to go change the channel off of the porn. Lexa didn't feel as stiff as she did before. Sure, she would feel better if she actually got to have sex with Clarke but this was way better than nothing and it helped Lexa relax a bit more and it clearly did the same for Clarke because she got dress with a smile on her face.

"I know we are suppose to take things slow but god, that was hot." Clarke admitted.

"It was hot." Lexa agreed and Clarke nodded.

Lexa got up to throw away her tissues and put the bottom half of her clothes back on. She tucked her dick back in her boxer briefs and pulled on her sweatpants. She was getting ready to ask Clarke what she wanted to do before Clarke blurted out, "Stay. I know the last time you were here, I kicked you out but I want you to stay. Please."

Lexa nodded with a small smile, relieved that things weren't awkward between them and walked over to her. They didn't kiss but they hugged before they got back in bed. They didn't talk about what they just did and maybe they should have but they didn't want to ruin the moment. Lexa knows that this could mess up everything that they have been working towards but they couldn't help themselves. They both knew something like this was bound to happen but they didn't think it would happen this soon.

"So much for self-control." Clarke joked and Lexa couldn't help but laugh. They were cuddled up in bed together watching some late night cartoons and Clarke laughed right back. They really didn't know how this trip to Hawaii was going to go.

 

* * *

 

 


	9. Hawaii part one

Lexa sighed heavily when she got into the van that Abby hauled down for them. Her phone has been going off nonstop since she turned it off airplane mode. It was Ontari. It had to be. That was the only person who would text her nonstop, not even Clarke texted her as much as Ontari has been. Lexa doesn’t know what she wants. They haven’t been in contact for a couple of weeks and now all of a sudden, Ontari won’t leave her alone. Lexa guesses this is her fault for leaving the girl high and dry.

They were all the same texts, how she misses her and how they should talk. Lexa had ended things between them because there wasn’t really anything to end to begin with. Lexa sighed and tucked her phone away, glad that no one saw all the texts she was getting. She got comfortable by Anya and looked out the window. The flight here was nice, Lexa was sure that she would do anything possible to always fly first class. The service that they had was amazing and she sat by Clarke the whole way there. They were sitting in the back of the plane while Raven and Lincoln were in front of them and Clarke’s mother was off to the side of them and Octavia and Anya were in the seats in front of Raven and Lincoln. They weren’t the only ones riding first class but it was more private and secluded than riding coach, not to mention the fact that the seats were bigger and comfier.

The flight was kind of boring, Clarke slept the whole time and Lexa even took a couple of blackmail pictures of her with her mouth open. (Lexa took them because Clarke is absolutely adorable when she’s sleeping). The flight was late evening which meant they were going to land in Hawaii by night time. Lexa still can’t wrap her head around the fact that she’s going to Hawaii with some of her best friends and when she landed, she was met with humid air and palm trees. She woke Clarke up, saying that they had arrived and they went off to grab their luggage. Abby hauled a van for them and they all got in and Abby gave directions to their hotel.

The hotel was fancy, Lexa couldn’t believe that she was going to be spending a whole week in it. Once Abby got the keys for all of them, she looked over at them apologetically.

“It was cheaper to get a room with a king bed then two separate beds.” Lexa was getting ready to respond, when Clarke beat her to it.

“It’s fine, mom.”

Abby seemed to accepted that answer and they all went up to their rooms. They were all on the same floor but they were spread out. Abby’s room was on one end and Lexa and Clarke’s were on the other. Raven and Anya’s room was right in the center of the hallway, while Lincoln and Octavia’s room was a few doors down. It was already nine o’clock at night and it was clear everyone was tired, they all opted to start the festivities tomorrow. They all said goodnight to each other and headed to their respected rooms. Clarke and Lexa walked down the long corridor in the quiet. They hadn’t spoken much about what happened that night. Lexa had spent the night and they ate breakfast in the morning together but they didn’t talk about what they did. Things weren’t awkward between them though, they kept open their communication and it was clear that they both were trying to make this trip a good one.

When they entered their hotel room, they both stopped short at how beautiful it was. Everything looked shining and brand new and Lexa felt like she didn’t even want to get a speck of dirt on anything. There was a long corridor that broke off into various rooms. One being the bathroom once you enter, further down was storage closet and when they walked fully into the room, they were met with a kitchen and a big living room. Attached to one side of the living room was a door that lead into the bedroom, where the king bed was and two nightstand tables and a view of the ocean.

“Look at this view!” Clarke exclaimed as she set her luggage down on the bed and rushed over to the window. Lexa set her bags down on the floor and went to go look at the view. It was of the ocean and the pier and the pool attached to this hotel. It was a pretty neat view. Clarke went over to check out the bathroom and Lexa followed.

There was a huge Jacuzzi on one side of the bathroom, a shower on the other. And his and hers marble sinks, well in their cases hers and hers sinks. The floors were white tiles and they looked brand new, everything in this hotel did.

“I am so taking a bath in that tonight.” Clarke stated.

“Well, good, so then I can take a shower when you’re done. Are you hungry? I can order some room service.” Lexa offered as they exited the bathroom.

“Sure, that would be nice. I think I’m going to take a bath while the food is being made.”

Lexa went over to grad the room service menu off of the table and when she turned around she was met with Clarke taking off her shirt.

“Clarke!” Lexa screeched embarrassed.

“What! It’s nothing you haven’t seen before.” Lexa’s breath hitched when Clarke’s voice got lower and she couldn’t do this. Everything between them was so complicated. This past week they’ve been hanging out with nothing physical happening between them and they had a minor slip up that one night but it hasn’t happened again and Lexa never knows how Clarke is going to act around her.

“Go to the bathroom and get undress.” Lexa screeched again and Clarke let out a low chuckle.

“I don’t need the menu. I’m really craving some pizza and fries and I know they have it.” Clarke said as she took her clothes and went to the bathroom. Lexa let out a huge breath once Clarke was gone. She has no idea how she’s going to contain herself this trip.

While Clarke was taking her bath, Lexa went to go order the food. She ordered what Clarke wanted and then order a cheeseburger and fries for herself and two drinks for them and a chocolate cake because who can resist. The food had arrived before Clarke got out of the bathroom so Lexa thought she would lay everything out in the living room, just in case Clarke came out of the bathroom clad in nothing but one of those white, fluffy towels. Lexa turned the TV on and before she could take a bit of her burger, her phone buzzed.

It was Ontari.

She had been contacting Lexa constantly and Lexa always kept her phone on silent when she went to hang out with Clarke because she didn’t want Clarke to hear it and ask who keeps texting her. Before she could turn her phone off, Ontari texted her again. Lexa told her that she didn’t want anything out of this and she thought that Ontari would get the message. Ontari knew that Lexa was in love with Clarke but she knows about their rocky relationship and it doesn’t hurt to try to get Lexa to see that she’s better than Clarke.

**Ontari:**

9:30

_I miss you_

Lexa didn’t respond right away and she feels a little guilty for it. Ontari is a sweet girl and they had a fun time but she’s not going to fall back into that. She’s choosing to stay with Clarke because Clarke has her heart.

Lexa heard the bathroom door open and decided to silence her phone before Clarke came out here and when she did, she was wearing shorts and a tank top (Lexa quickly noticed that Clarke wasn’t wearing a bra). Her hair was up in a wet bun and her face was free of make-up and Lexa couldn’t take her eyes off of her, she looked beautiful.

“Hey, your food is here.” Lexa motioned to her food and Clarke came to sit down next to Lexa. Lexa discreetly moved her phone out of Clarke’s line of vision, just because her phone is on silent doesn’t mean it doesn’t lit up every time someone texts her. Thankfully, Clarke didn’t seem to notice that action because she was to focused on cutting her pizza.

“So, are you ready for law school?” Clarke asked as she took a bite of her pizza. Lexa hadn’t thought much about it, she knows she has to go to become a lawyer. There were jobs that she could get with just her bachelor’s degree but it’s always been her dream to be a lawyer and she’ll do anything for it.

“Yup. It’ll be hard with the internship but the internship will only be a couple of days a week. I enrolled already to law school and I’m excited for the next two years. What about you? Ready for interning and medical school?” Lexa asked.

“I’m nervous.”

“Why? You passed your medical admission test. If you can pass that, then you can do all the other stuff.” Lexa assured her and she saw out of the corner of her eye, her phone light up.

“I don’t know. It’s all becoming real. Once I’m in medical school there’s no turning back. Don’t get me wrong, this is what I want to do but what If I mess up. I mean, I mess up a lot of things in my life.” Clarke frowned.

“Hey, don’t compare us to this. You can do this and you’re going to be great. It’s another chapter in our lives.” Lexa said with a hopeful smile.

“Yeah, I guess you’re right.” Clarke said, trying to convince herself more than Lexa.

They were quiet after that and focused on their food. When they were done, Lexa excused herself (taking her phone with her) and went to go take a shower. When Lexa got out, Clarke was already in bed and Lexa quickly rushed over to grab some clothes before heading back into the bathroom. She was thankful that Clarke didn’t comment on it. When Lexa reemerged the second time, she felt awkward. The bed was huge with a flat screen TV on the opposite wall and Clarke was currently watching some cartoons. Lexa wordlessly got into bed, mentally cursing Abby for this set-up. Lexa had brought some books with her and opted to read while Clarke watched TV. Lexa sneaked glances out of the corner of her eye and couldn’t help how normal this felt. That this is all she ever wanted. She wanted to buy a huge house with Clarke and live with her. This all felt very domestic and Lexa couldn’t help but hope that one day this could be an everyday thing in their life.

Lexa couldn’t count how many times her phone lit up while she was reading. She would think that Ontari would get the hint. She didn’t want to answer her, just in case Clarke just so happened to be looking over and seeing who she was texting. She knows it would cause an argument. No matter how many times Clarke says that she doesn’t hold Lexa at fault. Lexa doesn’t want to rub it in her face that she had sex with someone else.

“What do you want to do tomorrow?” Clarke asked breaking Lexa out of her thoughts. Lexa was quick to close her book, she wasn’t even reading it and maybe Clarke knew that and that’s why she started the conversation.

“That bar looked pretty nice when we came in. and I want to go to the pool.” Lexa said. She knew that they would do major activities here like sight-seeing and swimming with the dolphins but that wasn’t until later in the trip and she wanted to take the first few days easy and just enjoy the Hawaiian weather and spirit.

“That sounds like a good idea. I’m in.” Clarke said with a smirk and Lexa smiled over at her. It was ridiculous how far away they were but they were thankful for the space, they couldn’t trust each other being so close. They shouldn’t have skin-on-skin contact when things are still so clear but unclear between them.

“We should probably get some rest.” Lexa suggested. She was exhausted and she didn’t want to see her phone light up every two seconds. She quickly shut it off before Clarke could see anything and turned to her. She didn’t realize how close she was to Clarke when she turned back around because Clarke was suddenly in her personal space. Clarke was so close that Lexa could smell her shampoo and fresh mint on her breath. She smelt so good and Lexa found herself leaning into her and she could’ve sworn that Clarke was leaning in to before she stopped herself.

“We should sleep.” Lexa pulled back up into seating position and she didn’t miss the disappointed look on Clarke’s face.

“Yeah we should.” Clarke whispered.

* * *

 

Lexa woke to the smell of pancakes and more texts from Ontari. She was still exhausted for some reason. Lexa rolled her eyes and got out of bed to go to the living room, where she was assuming the food was. She wondered if she should shoot Ontari a message to tell her to leave her alone. The girl knew she was in Hawaii and she didn’t understand why she kept texting her. They haven’t had any contact in weeks and now out of the blue, she was texting her nonstop. She left her phone on the bedside table and went to the living room.

“Something smells good.” Lexa said with a yawn and she was rubbing the sleep out of her eyes. She walked into the room and saw the room service cart stocked with all types of breakfast foods.

“Yeah, you must’ve been really tired this morning but I went ahead and ordered some breakfast.” Clarke handed her a plate full of pancakes, bacon and eggs and Lexa took it sleepily. There was some grapes, apples and bananas on the table and Lexa helped herself and sat down to dig in.

“I talked to Raven a little earlier, they are already down at the pool.” Clarke said.

“Oh, wow. They don’t play.” Lexa said with a little chuckle when she looked over at the cable box and saw that it was eleven o’clock in the morning.

“Yeah, they went down around ten. I think everyone is down there already.” Clarke informed her as she took a bite of her pancakes and Lexa looked over to her and her eyes nearly bugged out. She really must’ve been tried to not notice Clarke clad in one of her bikinis, particularly her favorite blue one.

“I see you’re already dressed.” Lexa wanted to slap herself for that comment. It was obvious that she was. She caught Clarke’s smirk.

“I was wondering when you were going to notice.” Clarke said lowly as she picked up her coffee mug and took a sip of it while looking Lexa in her eyes. Lexa shivered at the tone of Clarke’s voice. It was just down right dirty and full of double meanings. Lexa cleared her throat and cursed herself when she felt her dick twitch in her boxers. Clarke’s breasts were on full display and Lexa was reveling in them.

“My eyes are up here.” Clarke staged-whispered with a satisfied grin and Lexa rolled her eyes but didn’t say anything. She was sure her cheeks were red.

They ate in silence and when they were done, Lexa went to go change into her trunks and bikini top. She always felt a little self-conscious when it came to that stuff. It’s not like she can go out there and wear a bikini bottoms like Clarke. Everyone would for sure see the bulge in them.

“Does this look okay?” Lexa asked quietly when she exited the room. Clarke was cleaning up from breakfast and looked over to Lexa.

“It looks fine.” Clarke said with an encouraging smile. Lexa was wearing a pair of black trunks that stopped mid-thigh and a black bikini top to match it with some black flip-flops.

“Are you sure?” Lexa asked still self-conscious as she played with the bottom of her trunks.

“Lexa, you look fine. No one is going to be worrying about what you are doing or wearing. Please, don’t be embarrassed about this. You look good.” Clarke said as she walked up to her. Lexa looked into those ocean blues and saw nothing but sincerity and instantly Lexa felt better.

“Okay. Let’s get going.” Lexa said with a small smile.

“Do you have your key and phone? I have mine just in case one of wants to come up to the room.” Clarke asked as they neared the door.

Lexa nodded, she definitely had her phone that wouldn’t stop going off.

“Come on, I’m ready to swim.” Lexa said as she dragged Clarke out of the room. She let go of her once they entered the hall and headed downstairs to join the others.

The pool wasn’t to packed and they immediately sought out Clarke’s mom, sitting on one of the pool-lounge chairs.

“Oh, so nice of you to join us.” Abby was wearing one of those floppy straw hats and her swimsuit with a black and gray cover-up.

“Not my fault you guys wake up at the crack of dawn.” Lexa teased and Abby huffed out a laugh. Everyone else was in the pool, goofing off and Lexa was glad for the deep end of the pool and immediately pulled her phone and key out of her trunk pocket and went to go join in on a game of Marco-Polo.

“So, how are things?” Clarke immediately knew what her mom was referring too.

“Better. We are doing much better than before when we weren’t talking. I don’t really know where things are headed but it’s looking good.” Clarke said and she was looking at Lexa with dreamy eyes before her mother caught her stare and she quickly averted her eyes.

“You really love her, don’t you?” Her mother asked softly and there was no denying it. It was so obvious and Clarke was proud to admit it.

“I do.”

“I’m happy that you guys are working it out,” Her mom said honestly. “I’m gonna go take a dip in the hot tub. Wanna come with?”

“Yeah, you go ahead though. Let me set our stuff down.” Clarke said. Lexa had half-hazardously threw her stuff down on the chair her mom was in, so she took the time to lay everything out on her own chair. Clarke had just draped Lexa’s towel over her chair and went to pick up her phone when she saw fifteen new messages from Ontari. Clarke immediately clenched her jaw. Why was Ontari texting Lexa? Clarke couldn’t help but catch a glimpse of the last five texts that Ontari has sent Lexa because they were on the screen.

**Ontari:**

10:30

_I miss you_

10:45

_Please call me_

10:50

_I can’t wait until you get back_

10:55

_I can wait until Clarke leaves. You must be with Clarke right now so that's why you aren't responding._

Clarke’s blood was boiling and in the distance, she could’ve sworn she heard Lexa laugh. Clarke wouldn’t mind if Lexa was texting Ontari just because. But, this seemed to be with a purpose. Had Lexa been talking to Ontari this whole time? Lexa told her that she hadn’t been in contact with the girl but that’s a clear lie because Ontari won’t stop texting her. Clarke quickly put Lexa’s phone down on top of her towel and went to go join her mother.

* * *

 

They were all sitting around enjoying the Hawaiian sun and eating nachos and drinking smoothies. The conversation was kept light but it was flowing and although Clarke was included in all the conversation and even talking to Lexa from time to time, she couldn’t stop thinking about those texts. Clarke discreetly watched Lexa all throughout lunch. They weren’t seated next to each other, in fact they were on opposite ends of each other and Clarke noticed how Lexa would check her phone every couple of minutes and she clenched her smoothie tighter. She refuses to get played like Finn played her. She feels like an idiot because not moments before she looked at Lexa’s phone, she was admitting that she loves the girl to her mother and that’s not something Clarke does every day.

Clarke really hopes there’s nothing to it but then again, she can’t help but think that there could be. Lexa slept with the girl twice, for crying out loud and Clarke doesn’t want to be one of those girls who is all up in Lexa’s business but Lexa flat out to her that she wasn’t talking to Ontari anymore and for Lexa to entertain the thought of this girl, made Clarke’s skin crawl.

“We should let our food digest and then hit the beach.” Octavia suggested to which everyone agreed.

“And then we are hitting up that bar tonight.” Anya chimed in.

“You guys have fun without me. I’m really not looking to drink.” Abby said politely which everyone nodded in understanding. Abby also wanted them to have fun without them feeling like she’s watching over their every move, so she would let them have this night to themselves. She was just happy that some of Clarke’s closest friends could come on this trip with them. Abby truly looked at all of them as her own.

Once their food digested, the moved down to the beach where there were a little more people. The sun was shining, making them all sweat and it was humid so they couldn’t wait to get into the cools waves.

“You okay?” Clarke heard a voice ask her softly. Clarke’s back was to the voice as she laid her towel out and she saw Lexa throw her stuff down next to her and Clarke frowned at how messy Lexa could be sometimes.

“Fine.” Clarke grunted out although, every cell in her body was screaming otherwise.

“You were quieter than usual during lunch.” Lexa pointed out as Clarke finally turned to face her. She was squinting down at Clarke and Lexa looked absolutely adorable but Clarke forced herself not to think about that.

“I’m fine, Lexa. Just hot is all.” Clarke thanked all the gods that Lexa seemed to buy that answer. It was true though, Clarke tended to get a little irritable when she was too hot.

“Oh, well, come on. Let’s hit some waves.” Lexa said with a smile Clarke loved.

* * *

 

It was later on in the day and Lexa and Clarke had just returned from swimming in the waves. It was nice and clear and blue and they were loving it but their hands were starting to shrivel up so they opted to get out and go back to the hotel. Lexa was the first to take a shower and then Clarke took a hot bath. She really tried not to think of the whole Ontari situation but it was hard to do especially being in the bathroom all by herself, she couldn’t help but wonder if Lexa was in the other room talking to Ontari. Why did this Ontari girl have to exist? She wishes she could just whisk Lexa off into a tropical island (not this one, it’s too close to California) and it could just be the two of them but Clarke knows that, that won’t happen.

Clarke got out of the bathtub smelling like lavender and vanilla mixed together. She quickly dried herself off and left the bathroom in hopes to get dress and not run into Lexa. She got lucky because it looked like Lexa already got ready and she had the room to herself. She got ready at a slow pace, not really wanting to see Lexa because she doesn’t know how to act around her. Clarke noticed Lexa’s phone was missing from the nightstand and she silent cursed herself. She really hopes she’s not getting played.

* * *

 

Clarke knows she should’ve rejected the multiple shots coming her way but she didn’t. she kept them coming because with every shot she took, the less she thought about Ontari. She had a brief conversation with Anya about how cool it is to take a vacation here and she danced the night away with Octavia and Raven. Lincoln kept buying shots for everyone and Clarke kept taking them. Lexa was off dancing with Anya while Octavia, Raven, Lincoln and herself were sitting at a round table.

“So, what has your panties all in a bunch?” Raven slurred. None of them were sober and Clarke didn’t know how to reply to that.

“Take another shot!” Lincoln all but yelled at her and she complied, wanting to prolong her answer.

“Nothing.” She said as serious as she could and Raven gave her a look that said she wasn’t buying it.

“Really, it’s nothing.” Clarke said again.

“I don’t believe you, Griffin. But I’ll let you off the hook now and you bet I’ll ask you tomorrow.” Raven said back.

“Let’s go play pool.” Octavia suggested even though she was just talking to Lincoln and dragged him off before the other two could say anything.

Clarke saw Lexa go to the bar out of the corner of her eye at the same time Anya came up to Raven.

“May I have this dance?” Anya said with a sweet smile that made Clarke want to puke. They were so good together and Anya would always be in her good books for making Raven smile with the smile she’s wearing now.

“Oh, but, of course.” Raven replied while batting her eyes.

Once Raven left, Clarke was sat by herself and she looked back at Lexa who was ordering a drink and she decided to go have a few choice words with her. She didn’t know where she was getting all this courage from, she’s been avoiding Lexa all night. She figures it has something to do with all the liquor coursing through her body. She knows she’s thinking irrationally right now but she wants Lexa all to herself and she won’t let some bitch ruin that. She meant it when she said she was going to fight for Lexa and she’s going in guns-a-blazing.

“Is she prettier than me?” Lexa was currently sipping on her margarita when Clarke drunkenly walked over to her. She hasn’t been looking at anyone other than her and was wondering who she was talking about.

“Who?” Lexa cooed, she tried to grab on to Clarke’s waist but she shoved her off.

“Ontari.” And Lexa almost chocked on her drink. She tried not to think about Ontari but it was hard when she texted her so much and here Clarke is, staring at her out of focus and asking about her and Lexa had no idea what to say. They had been making so much progress and she feels like this will set them back. Although, they haven’t really talked about what happened that night, even though they just masturbated with each other, it was still intimate and Lexa thought they were going to try and be civil on this trip. That’s why she hasn’t mentioned Ontari.

“Do you think she’s prettier than me? You must’ve thought she was cute enough to put your dick in her.” Lexa let out a tiny gasp at Clarke’s blunt words. The music was loud and there were people around and she didn’t want anyone to hear this conversation.

Raven and Anya were dancing happily a few feet away from them and she has no idea where Octavia and Lincoln went. Lexa quickly grabbed onto Clarke’s wrist before she could protest and dragged her to the bathroom.

“What are you going on about?” She really hopes Clarke is just drunk and curious, rather than her finding out what’s really going on. Lexa closed the door to the single bathroom and turned to face Clarke. She was holding herself up with a hand on the sink and she was looking drunkenly at Lexa. When Clarke didn’t respond, Lexa spoke again.

“I thought we were over this I thought-“

“I saw the texts messages, Lexa.” Clarke spat and Lexa stared at her wide eyed. How did Clarke see those texts? And then it dawned on Lexa that Clarke had been acting weird all day and she remembers abandoning her phone at the pool. Clarke must’ve seen it going off and Lexa isn’t mad that Clarke saw them. Clarke knows the passcode to her phone and vice-versa but she was trying to avoid this exact moment or maybe even argument and she doesn’t want to talk about this while Clarke is drunk.

“I’ll never be over it Lexa. God, and I’m trying. I am and I have been doing good but I can’t stop thinking about it Lexa. Why did you do that to me? God, Lexa, you fucked me up. You claim that you love me and shit. Someone who loves me wouldn’t do that. Why is she texting saying and I quote “You must be with Clarke right now so that’s why you aren’t responding.” What kind of bullshit is that Lexa?” Clarke spat and Lexa almost did a double take to see if Clarke was really talking to her. When Clarke maintain eye contact with her, Lexa clearly knew she was talking to her and let out a deep sigh.

“Clarke, I’m sorry. I really am. She won’t stop texting me but I haven’t been responding and I thought we were over this. I didn’t know you were still upset over this. I’m truly sorry.” Lexa went to move to hug Clarke but Clarke took a step back which resulted to her colliding into the sink and almost tripping over. Lexa was quick to move and catch her by the waist before she went falling down.

“Get off of me!” Clarke tried struggle to get out of Lexa’s grip but Lexa held firm.

“I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I’m sorry. How many times do I have to say it?” Lexa’s voice cracked and she wondered when bathrooms became their safe haven to let all their feelings out. Clarke finally managed to break free of her grip.

“Clarke, come on, you’re drunk.” Lexa said. “Are you sure you want to have this conversation right now?”

“I don’t want nothing from you,” Clarke said stubbornly. “I want to go to the hotel.”

“Okay.”

They headed up to their hotel room quietly. Lexa was wondering how this had happened, why is was happening. Well, she knew the answer. It’s because of her and her mistakes. A part of her wishes that she had never slept with Ontari and instead would have just tried to win Clarke over but another part of her wasn’t going to sit here and pine over a girl who didn’t want her. This was as much Clarke’s fault as it was hers. She should’ve been honest with her when they were in the bathroom but Lexa can see why she didn’t. she shouldn’t have put Clarke in that position, it was stupid of her but she was desperate. She knows how much Clarke was hurting after Finn had cheated on her and in a way, Lexa felt like she cheated on Clarke. Her feelings were very much there when she slept with Ontari, that was never going to change. She was always going to love Clarke and she knows that she’s been failing when it comes to expressing that. Lexa can admit and has admitted that she messed up and she wished that they could put this situation behind themselves and she thought they did. They have been acting rather civil towards each other. They were both kidding themselves, were they ever going to get over this? It was a major problem in their relationship and Lexa knows they have talked and cleared the air but that doesn’t mean that Clarke isn’t hurt and she had every right to be hurt. She’s allowed to feel that way and Lexa feels like a major dick for not seeing it sooner.

They arrived to the hotel room and Clarke immediately went to the bathroom after grabbing some comfortable clothes, Lexa assumed to change. She thought she would do the same. She was wearing jeans and she changed into sweatpants. Clarke emerged from the bathroom and Lexa was about to get in the bed when Clarke held up her hand.

“You really thought I was going to sleep next to you tonight?” Clarke asked with a pointed look.

“Clarke, come on.”

“No. I’m not doing this with you, Lexa. If you want to be with her then fine but you aren’t going to play me like a fucking drum!” Clarke yelled.

“I’m not! She’s been texting me, yes. But that doesn’t mean I’ve responded and it doesn’t mean I’m interested in her. I’m not. Only you, Clarke. You know this.”

“No, I don’t,” Clarke spat. “I don’t know, because you slept with her and I’ll never be okay with it. I’ll never be okay with it.” Clarke’s voice broke off with a sob. She didn’t even realize she was crying before it was too late. Lexa tried to comfort her but she didn’t want it. She just wanted Lexa to get out.

“Please, Lexa. I can’t look at you without wanting to kiss you and I can’t look at you without seeing Ontari and you together. So, please, sleep on the couch.” Clarke said and Lexa felt a lump in her throat.

This was all her fault, if she didn’t sleep with Ontari, they wouldn’t be in this position. Lexa knew Clarke was drunk but Clarke was always an honest drunk and she knows that everything she is saying right now is true even if she won’t remember it tomorrow. Lexa felt sick to her stomach to know that Clarke felt like this. She knew that sleeping with Ontari hurt Clarke and Clarke always said that she couldn’t blame Lexa for it. Lexa feels at blame though. She knows Clarke is hurting inside and it’s all her fault. So, she would do whatever Clarke wanted.

“Okay, I’ll sleep on the couch.”

* * *

 

“Do you remember anything last night?”

There was no point in kicking Lexa out last night for Clarke was throwing up for the most of it. Lexa went to check on her and Clarke kept trying to kick her out but Lexa wasn’t budging. She stayed even though she was sure that Clarke didn’t want her too. Lexa had helped Clarke back to her bed and tucked her in. She went into the living room to sleep on the pull-out bed underneath the couch but she kept the door open, just in case Clarke needed her.

Lexa was the first to wake up and she ordered some room service for breakfast. When she finally heard the telltale signs of Clarke waking up, she went to fix Clarke a plate. Clarke was groaning and holding her head when she came out of the room and sat down. Lexa slid the plate over to her. She grateful accepted it and started to dig in. The silence between them was tense and Lexa didn’t know how to start this conversation so she just blurted out, “Do you remember anything last night?”

Clarke was shoving food into her mouth without a care in the world when she looked up at Lexa. Clarke knew what she was referring too. She didn’t plan on getting blacked out drunk but the drinks kept coming and she wasn’t refusing because the more she drank, the less she thought about Ontari. She remembers bits and pieces. She remembers arriving with Lexa who was, as always, wearing one of her button-up shirts but this time it was short-sleeved. She remembers dancing with Octavia and Raven. She remembers getting shots with Lincoln and even talking to Anya a bit but everything in between she can’t really remember but she remembers going back to the hotel room and she definitely remembers throwing up while sitting on the cold tile floor.

“Some of it,” Clarke said with a raspy voice. Clarke realized how dry her throat was and chugged some of the Orange Juice near her. Lexa didn’t say anything and let Clarke go on. “I remember drinking and dancing and talking to you a bit but not all of it. Was it bad? Did I say something I shouldn’t have? I know we fought but I can’t remember about what.” Clarke said with a shy smile and Lexa was contemplating not telling Clarke of what happened yesterday. But she wanted to hear sober Clarke say this instead of drunk Clarke so she told Clarke everything she said last night and Clarke listened with her head down. Lexa ended the recall of events with, “Is that how you really feel?”

Lexa watched as Clarke sipped her juice and then cleared her throat. She wasn’t sure what answer she would get and they have been doing so good, she feels like she doesn’t want to know the answer. This answer could change everything again and Lexa wasn’t ready for it.

“Yes,” Clarke whispered. “I remember now and I meant it. I mean, you didn’t even fight for me.” Clarke said angrily and Lexa gaped at her.

“You didn’t want to be fought for! Or at least that’s what you told me!” Lexa exclaimed. “If I would have known, if you would have said something-“

“You shouldn’t have put me on the spot like that. But you didn’t try,” Clarke pointed a finger at Lexa. “You went off and slept with some other girl and now she won’t stop texting you. How do you think that make me feel? What if you decided to choose her? Who the fuck knows, Lexa. I never know with you.” Clarke said.

“I could have tried harder, I know that but we both agreed to make this work.” Lexa started.

“I’m not going to make this work if you are still talking to her.”

“I’m not!” Lexa shouted. “She texts me and I don’t answer and she still does. I think she wants to try for something but she’s not going to get it. I don’t want her, Clarke. I want you.” Lexa said honestly.

“How am I supposed to know that?” Clarke whispered sadly. Lexa got up and tentatively walked over to Clarke’s side and crouched down.

“Because I love you.” Lexa said while looking into Clarke’s eyes even though she was trying to avoid eye contact. It was the first time either of them had said it since the night Lexa got drunk. It was always there, both of them knew, but they were going at this at a slow pace and they knew saying ‘I love you’ could mess it up but Clarke felt lighter when Lexa confessed that to her. It doesn’t make everything better but it makes up for what has been done. She knows not all of the stars are going to align with Lexa’s three words but some of them did. Clarke really believed that Lexa could love her and they both need to work on their love for each other. She doesn’t want to let go of Lexa, she knows that she can’t and she knows that she’s in this for the long run even if they aren’t together.

“I love you, too.” Clarke said honestly while finally looking at Lexa.

“We can make this work Clarke,” Lexa said. “I’ll have to talk to her though. Tell her to stop texting.” Lexa looked at Clarke nervously, waiting for permission.

“I’m sorry I hurt you and I’m sorry I didn’t tell you that this was happening.” Lexa said while looking at her with sad green eyes and Clarke frowned. She pulled Lexa closer by her waist and wrapped her arms around her hips. Lexa rested her hands on Clarke’s shoulder.

“I know.” Clarke said after some time.

* * *

Things cooled down after their little argument but that doesn’t mean that they were talking. They danced around each other all morning and Lexa couldn’t help but think this is what it would be like if they lived together and they were fighting.

It was a slow morning, they had an activity lined up for the day, they were going to go swimming with the dolphins and Lexa was excited. She’s never swam with one before and she’s always wanted to. They were going to go after lunch. Lexa turned her phone off to avoid another argument, they both knew that at some point, probably on this vacation, that Lexa was going to have to talk to Ontari but it didn’t have to be today. Lexa wanted to enjoy her day and she wanted to enjoy it with Clarke even though she was hungover. Clarke sat on the couch after Lexa put the pull-out bed up and she winced.

“I’m sorry for making you sleep out here.” Clarke said as Lexa sat down next to her. Their shoulders were touching as well as their thighs and Lexa was glad for the contact.

"It's okay. It didn't last long because you started throwing up." Lexa informed her to which Clarke gave her a sheepish smile.

"Yeah, definitely not drinking that much again and it was only the first night." Clarke said embarrassed.

"Wanna watch some TV?" Lexa asked and Clarke nodded. They both enjoyed watching a few comedy programs, they needed something light after what just happened and Lexa was grateful that they were able to work it out. Their communication is getting better. Before, she was sure one of them would have already walked out by now and it would probably be her. She was gald that they were able to talk through this and be honest with each other. Even though, sometimes, the truth hurt.

Lexa discreetly yawned and put her arm around Clarke to which Clarke squinted her eyes up at her.

"You did not just pull the whole yawn-stretch-over my shoulders-bit." Clarke said with a smirk.

"I sure did and it worked." Lexa pointed to where her arm was and it was around Clarke. Clarke grabbed a hold of Lexa's hand and held it.

"Yeah, it did." Clarke sighed happily. She wasn't sure how the situation with Ontari was going to turn out but it meant everything to her to know that Lexa loves her.

* * *

 

They were all gathered around currently watching Lincoln ride on the back of a dolphin. It was funny watching this big man ride on such a small dolphin but it was cute. Lincoln was such a gentle man and Clarke was happy that Octavia has him. She was taking pictures and so was Octavia. Next up was Lexa and Clarke already had her turn. It was amazing, the dolphin was so gentle with her. She had always wanted to do this and now she can say that she did. She was going to take pictures for Lexa because she left her phone in the hotel room. When Lincoln was done, Lexa got prepared to go. Lexa did as the instructor told her and got positioned on the back of the dolphin. But, before Lexa could properly get on, the dolphin took off.

Clarke watched as Lexa tried to desperately hold on to the dolphin but was failing to do so. She watched as Lexa gripped the dolphin with her legs to try to keep her in place as her friends and mother watched on in horror.

"Lexa, grab on with your hands!" Clarke heard Anya yell but Lexa wasn't listening to her.

The instructor was yelling at the dolphin, who was named Toby, to stop but the dolphin wasn't listening. The dolphin rounded the corner and Lexa fell off of him, hitting her head against the wall of the pool. Clarke didn't even think twice about it before she shoved her phone into Octavia's hands and jumped into the water to go after Lexa. She didn't even think about the distress dolphin on the way there, she was to pumped up with adrenaline.

The dolphin already made it's way back to the front before Clarke swam to the back of the pool to get Lexa. The only thing she could hear was her heart beat in her ears. She wanted to throw up when she made her way to Lexa and saw blood forming around her head.

"Mom!" Clarke screamed as she neared Lexa. Clarke saw her mom jump into the water so fast and swim over to her. Clarke was starting to panic, she lifted Lexa's up arm only for it to drop back down like a dead weight.

Clarke was always taught not to panic when it comes to situations like this but this was Lexa. Her Lexa. She was definitely panicking.

"Help me lift her up!" Her mom instructed and Clarke immediately grabbed Lexa's side to holster her up. They lifted her up with the help of Lincoln. Clarke noticed that Anya had tears in her eyes while Octavia and Raven were shocked over the whole situation. No one knew it was going to turn out like this.

"She's bleeding!" Anya sobbed and that's when they got back into action.

"I need a first-aid kit!" Abby said to the instructor, who immediately went off to go fine one. Toby was being lead away by another member of staff and when the instructor returned with the first-aid kit, she was apologizing profusely.

"I don't know what got into him. I'm really sorry."

Abby ignored the lady and took the first-aid kit from her and Clarke contemplated on whether or not, she should call 9-1-1. Even though her mom was that. 

"Is she breathing?" Clarke asked as she kneeled down beside her mom.

"Her airway is open and she's breathing which is good but she's unconscious," Her mom started and she saw the worried look on her daughter's face. "Clarke, I'm gonna need your help." Abby reeled Clarke back in and Clarke snapped out of it.

"I need towels!" Abby directed towards the instructor and she rushed off to get them, still muttering about how sorry she is.

Abby told everyone told get back, besides her and Clarke so they have room to work. They all watched in horror and to be honest so did Clarke. It seemed like Lexa was bleeding more now that she was out of the water and she wasn't moving or responding to anything.

The instructor came back with the towels and Abby told Clarke to dry her up, which she quickly did. Once her hair was as dry as Clarke could get it, her mom started to examine the wound.

"Clarke, I know you are panicking right now and if this was anyone else, you'd probably be a little more calm. I need you to call 9-1-1. She needs stitches with a wound this big and it's deep, she must've hit her head on the edge of the pool. Go get your phone from Octavia. I'll clean this up the best I can but I need more supplies than this." Her mom said lowly.

Clarke got up in a rush and held out her hand for Octavia to give her, her phone to which she quickly did. She dodged all of the their questions and focused on dialing the paramedics and talking to them. When she finished telling them where they were, she hung up and went back over to her mother. She was trying to wipe up all the blood and there was absolutely nothing in the first-aid kit that could help them stitch Lexa up.

"We're gonna have to wait until they get here. I'm applying as much pressure as I can but she's losing a lot of blood." Abby informed her as Clarke kneeled down beside her.

It was scary for Clarke to see Lexa laying there not moving. Her lips were starting to turn blue and her eyes were close. This had gone south real fast and Lexa was so excited to swim with the dolphins. Clarke prayed to everything about that Lexa would be okay and that she would wake up soon. It felt like a lifetime before Clarke heard the familiar sounds of the ambulance in the distance.


	10. Hawaii part two

Everything was happening in a blur. There were paramedics checking Lexa’s pulse, there was someone questioning the scene and what happened so they could put it in the medical records. Things were happening so fast that Clarke didn’t see them put her on a gurney and roll her into the ambulance truck.

“We are gonna follow her to the hospital.” Abby said and Clarke nodded.

“Okay, let’s get going.”

The ambulance drove away with Lexa and Abby gathered everyone up so they can get in the taxi van together. Clarke was a mess of nerves. God, she didn’t even want to think about what would happen if Lexa seriously got hurt. She knows how bad brain damages can be and she’s scared. What if Lexa dies? She wouldn’t be able to handle that, sure they left it off on a good note and they were cooperating more or less that whole afternoon but things are still so complicated between them, she couldn’t end it like this. What If Lexa doesn’t remember her when she woke up? Oh, god what if Lexa-

“Stop worrying.” Raven said and Clarke could see why Raven said that, Anya is sitting right next to her, looking like she’s thinking the same thoughts as her. Clarke was nervous and she felt like her heart was going to leap out of her chest. This can felt like it wasn’t moving fast enough and for a minute, she contemplated getting out and running to the hospital before she realized that she didn’t know the direction to it.

“I can’t.” Clarke settled for.

No one really talked about what just happened. Everyone wanted to get to the hospital to see Lexa. Raven didn’t say anything after that, knowing that Clarke needs her own time to process and think this through. She knows how much Lexa means to her and to be honest she was quite scared too. They arrived at the hospital in the span of five more minutes and Clarke immediately went to the front desk.

“Lexa woods. She should’ve just rolled in. it was a head injury.” Clarke blurted out as the nurse looked up to her.

“Are you family?” Clarke flattered at that, she wasn’t family and she couldn’t necessarily lie about it either, they looked nothing alike.

“Anya woods. I’m her cousin.” Anya stepped in. They all knew that wasn’t true, but the nurse seemed to buy it.

“I can talk to you but no one else.” The nurse said as she got up and rounded the desk.

“Oh, come on. That’s horse shit.” Clarke intervened. Clarke knew it wasn’t, she knows the protocols. She got a bachelor’s degree in it. But this was her Lexa. The nurse didn’t say anything to her, just lightly guided Anya away from them and Clarke almost followed them before Raven stopped her.

“Clarke, don’t. Let Anya talk to her.” Raven said as she guided Clarke towards the waiting are with everyone else. They all sat down and soon enough Anya appeared before them.

“She’s okay, she’s stable and awake.” Clarke jumped up at that and walked over to Anya.

“I want to know everything.” Clarke demanded and the rest of them nodded.

“They took her to get stitches and then they admitted her to the hospital because they want to keep a close eye on her, just in case, something happens. They are going to release her tonight but they are keeping her here for the rest of the day. They said that they managed to stop the bleeding and if we didn’t control it before they got to us, she could’ve bled out. The nurse said she will be up for visitors soon just not right now.” Anya informed them with a serious look in her eyes. Clarke sighed audibly at the news and went over to hug her mother.

“Thank you.” Clarke said into her ear. Abby squeezed her daughter tightly, overjoyed by the news.

“You’re welcome.”

They all waited around until Lexa was up for visitors. When it was allowed, Clarke popped up from her seat and made a V-line to Lexa’s assigned room. Lexa was laying in one of the hospital gowns on the bed and she was awake. Everyone rushed into the room to greet her.

“Are you okay?” Lincoln asked.

“How do you feel?” Octavia asked.

“I’m glad you’re okay.” Raven said.

“Wow, guys. Let her breathe,” A doctor came in. “Hi, I’m Dr. Huston. I stitched her up, the reason she was admitted is because I want to keep a close eye on her head. You guys did an amazing job at stopping most of the blood though.”

“I’m a surgeon and my daughter is an up and coming one.” Abby informed him.

“Oh, wow. Nice to meet you,” He trailed off.

“Dr. Griffin.” Abby supplied and he stuck his hand out to shake hers.

“Well, nice to meet you Dr. Griffin. I have a few questions for you Lexa because you were unconscious so long after you hit your head. You guys are more than welcomed to stay but please, give her some space.” They all backed up and out of the way, respectfully.

“Now, can you tell me your name?” Dr. Huston asked Lexa. Lexa looked small laying in the middle of the big hospital bed. Her was a little pale but Clarke was just thankful there was color to her lips again. Her green eyes were shining up at the doctor.

“Lexa.” Lexa said with a raspy voice.

“How old are you?”

“25.” Lexa answered.

“What year is it?”

“2030.” Lexa responded.

“What object is this?” The doctor pulled out a wrench from the bag and she saw Lexa hesitate. She didn’t answer for a long while and while Clarke knew that this kind of response was normal for someone who had hit their head as hard as Lexa did, it still made her nervous. Everyone was silent in the room when Lexa finally answered.

“A wrench.” Clarke smiled to herself. If Lexa had answered something different like a hammer, she knew that they would be in trouble.

“Good, Lexa. You seemed to be fine. I’ll leave you alone with your family. Press the red button if you need anything.” The doctor said as he dismissed himself.

Lexa looked up and her eyes connected with her baby blues. She let out a small smile and Clarke couldn’t help but smile back.

“Only you would fall off a dolphin.” Anya joked while rubbing the tears out of her eyes.

“I’m fine, An.” Lexa said upon noticing the tears in her eyes.

“You scared us all.” Anya huffed.

“The dolphin took off before I could grab a hold of him,” Lexa said. “It went downhill from there.”

Clarke didn’t know what came over her. She wasn’t sure if it was the events that were playing in her mind or the thought of something terrible happening to Lexa but she started sobbing uncontrollably and she couldn’t stop. Raven and Octavia immediately walked over to her and hugged her.

“I know you guys came here for me and I love you all. But, could I have a minute alone with Clarke?” She asked.

“Of course, we’ll go get some food. Clarke we’ll bring you something back for you,” Abby said. “I’m glad you are okay, sweetie.”

“Thank you, Abby. I know you played a big part in this.” Lexa said with gratitude.

“It was no problem.” Abby said back.

Anya kissed Lexa’s cheek and hugged her before she left. They all waved at her, promising they will come back and closed the door behind them. Clarke and Lexa were alone and Clarke tried to get a hold of her crying but to no avail.

“Come here, come here.” Lexa whispered as she grabbed a hold of Clarke’s wrist and pulled her close. Clarke sat down on the bed and leaned in for a hug.

“I’m sorry,” Clarke sobbed. “So, so sorry.”

“I’m fine, Clarke.” Lexa reassured her.

“No, for everything. For what happened this morning. I acted like a complete dick. I shouldn’t have made you sleep on the couch. I was really wrong last night. I shouldn’t have blamed you like that.” Clarke apologized.

“I don’t take offense to it Clarke. It was bound to happen. I know you said you couldn’t blame me for sleeping with her but you were keeping all your emotions in,” Lexa said as she wiped some of Clarke’s tears away. “I apologized to you even when I said I wasn’t going to. I did it because this whole situation is messed up and I realized that in a way I did hurt you. But, I don’t want to keep doing this Clarke.”

“Me neither. I could’ve lost you today or you could’ve had some serious brain damage but you are okay and I think that is a sign. We always talked about improving our relationship and I think it’s time to do that. I know I said that before but I mean it this time Lexa.”

“Really?”

“I only want you. Forever, Lexa. I know that.” Clarke said as she finally started to calm down.

“Me too.” Lexa whispered honestly.

“They are keeping you here for the rest of the day and then you can come back to the hotel. Your head looks good though, they did a good job even though theses stitches take up a good chuck of your head.” Clarke said as she inspected the wound and where they did the stitches. Everything should heal properly with the work they did.

“I can’t wait to get back to the hotel. I hate being here.” Lexa pouted.

“I have something that could make it better.” Clarke said with a smirk.

“What?”

“A kiss.”

Clarke saw Lexa swallow hard at that. Clarke was a little nervous too, it’s been a while since they have kissed one another and Clarke would be lying if she said she didn’t want too (So would Lexa).

Lexa nodded, “Okay.”

Clarke slowly leaned in, with her heart racing and was getting ready to connect their lips when the door flew open.

“Oh, I’m so sorry.” A nurse came in, not the nurse from the front desk, thankfully.

“I was told to check your vitals.” She said as a way of explanation as she walked over to Lexa’s monitors and Clarke was glaring daggers at her until she left.

“She totally ruined the moment, didn’t she?” Lexa asked crestfallen.

“A little bit.”

“I’m sorry about Ontari. Not sleeping with her but the texts. I told you, I won’t apologize for it and I know I kinda already did but I meant about the whole situation in general. You have to admit, I had every right to sleep with her.”

“You did,” Clarke said. “I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have acted like that. A huge part of this falls on me. I didn’t tell you how I felt and I will always regret that.”

“It’s okay.” They didn’t get to talk anymore because the door opened again and Raven popped her head in.

“Is it safe to come in?” Clarke untangled herself from Lexa.

“Yeah.”

Raven came in with the other and handed Clarke a to-go bag.

“Thanks.”

They all waited around until Lexa was clear to go back to the hotel. Clarke had jumped into a taxi to go back to the hotel real quick to get Lexa some comfortable clothes to change into. She opted for a pair of black gym shorts and a plain white t-shirt. Once Lexa was discharged, they all headed to the hotel, glad that Lexa was okay. Lexa sported a white bandaged wrapped around one side of her head. It was to be changed daily and when Clarke and Lexa stepped foot inside their hotel, Clarke immediately went to the bedroom and started to fluff the pillows up.

“Are you going to fuss over me the rest of the trip?” The gang thought it would be better if they took it east the next couple of days, which they didn’t mind, they were just happy that they were in Hawaii. The only real thing they wanted to do was explore the islands but they had time for that. Clarke was going to make it her life mission to make sure that Lexa doesn’t lift a finger. She wants her to rest after what happened.

“You didn’t see it, Lex. It was bad, there was blood everywhere and I..” Clarke couldn’t even finish her sentence. Lexa walked over to her and hugged her.

“I’m just glad you are okay. I was so scared.” Clarke admitted as she put her walks down and let Lexa hold her.

“I know,” Lexa kissed the side of her head. “I’m here now. Let’s make the most of it.”

They lounged around after ordering a pizza and they were watching moves. Clarke was enjoying being cuddled up with Lexa in bed, she missed doing it. They wouldn’t cuddle often but Clarke secretly liked when they did back when they were sleeping together. Lexa let out a yawn after the second movie finished.

“Want to go to sleep?” Clarke asked and Lexa nodded sleepily. She turned everything off and got settled into the bed next to Lexa. Clarke didn’t sleep that night, she couldn’t bring herself to. What if something happened to Lexa while she was sleeping? What if Lexa needed something? Lexa seemed to already be recovering well from the hit and Clarke was glad but that did put her nerves at ease, so she stayed up for the whole night, just in case Lexa needed something.

The days passed by in a blur. The others would go out to the beach or to the pool often inviting them along but Clarke declined. She knew she could go and maybe even Lexa but she didn’t want to leave Lexa alone by herself. Until one day, they did. They all went down to the pool together and later on that day, drove around Hawaii in the taxi van. They enjoyed smoothies, nachos and alcoholic drinks while being in the hot sun. The two had spent almost every waking moment together and Clarke loved it. It was their second to last day they were leaving in the morning. Lexa never really got around to texting Ontari, she had slowed down a bit but would still text her often. Lexa honestly just didn’t want to deal with her so she didn’t call or text back, she would just deal with her when they got back to California.

The two were enjoying some dinner on their last night in Hawaii when Lexa spoke up.

“Besides hitting my head, this trip was amazing.” Lexa said honestly as she took a bite of her pasta dish.

“Agreed,” Clarke said and then thought of something. “Actually, it was almost amazing, something is missing.”

“What?” Lexa frowned.

“We never got to kiss.” Clarke said into the quiet of the hotel room.

“We didn’t,” Lexa hummed as she took another bite of her pasta again. “Maybe after dinner and once we get all showered and brush out teeth. I’ll give you that kiss.”

“Okay.” Clarke breathed.

They ate in silence, focusing on wanting to finish and what was to come after that.

Lexa was laying down in bed when Clarke emerged from the bathroom. Clarke had just finished brushing her teeth and sauntered off towards her side of the bed. Lexa looked at her nervously when she got into the bed. The TV was on in the background and the lights were off. The only light was from the TV which bounced off of their faces.

“So, should we just do it?” Clarke asked and Lexa flushed red. She doesn’t know why she is acting like a little school girl right now. She wants Clarke and she wants to kiss her so she scooted closer to her.

“Yeah.”

Clarke scooted closer to Lexa too as Lexa sat up and turned to face Clarke. She slowly leaned in and connected their lips softly and Lexa doesn’t know why they have been holding out with each other for so long. Clarke immediately deepened the kiss and leaned further into her. Lexa broke the kiss and tilted her head the other direction to get better access and Clarke followed her. Lexa leaned her head into the kiss, pushing Clarke back into the pillows. Clarke fell back with ease and Lexa got on top of her. Clarke opened her mouth underneath Lexa and Lexa slid her tongue into her mouth. She explored every inch of it, her roof, her teeth and eventually her tongue. Lexa never wanted this kiss to end but she knows she should before they get carried away. She pulled away from the kiss and Clarke followed her.

“Clarke, we should stop.” Lexa murmured.

“I don’t want to.” Clarke said breathlessly.

“Clarke, you know I want this but like are you sure? We haven’t done anything with each other for a while.” Lexa said unsure.

“I want this and I want you. God, I want you so much, Lexa. I want you to fuck me, please.” Lexa looked into Clarke’s eyes and saw nothing but sincerity.

“Okay.” Lexa said nervously as she leaned down for a kiss. She quickly detached her lips from hers and took her shirt off, carefully not to mess up her bandaged on her head. Clarke cupped Lexa through her pants and massaged until she felt Lexa getting hard. Clarke sat up a bit and removed her shirt and Lexa was thankful that she wasn’t wearing a bra and went down to take a nipple in her mouth and tugged. Clarke moaned and threw her head back as Lexa licked, bit and sucked on her nipples. Lexa moved her head downwards towards Clarke’s sweatpants.

“Can I?” She asked Clarke as she kissed up the valley between her breasts.

“Yes.” Clarke hissed out and she lifted her hips so Lexa could take off her pants and underwear. Lexa looked down and saw that Clarke was already wet and her mouth watered. It’s been a while since she’s been inside Clarke and she couldn’t wait too.

She quickly took off her sweatpants and boxers and threw them off to the side as she positioned herself in between Clarke’s legs. She pumped her dick a few times before she lined it up with Clarke’s center. She looked up at Clarke once more and when Clarke nodded, Lexa slowly slide into her and was immediately met with wet heat clinging around her dick. Lexa felt like she could come right now but she wasn’t going to. She wanted to focus on making Clarke feel good. She knows this could change the pace of their relationship and she was ready to take on what this meant. When Lexa bottomed out into her, she wrapped her arms around her neck and brought her in for a kiss. This is the slowest they have ever gone with each other and they weren’t even minutes in. Usually, it’s rough touches and quick fucks to get each other off and she has no doubt that she’ll end up pounding Clarke out but for right now, she enjoyed feeling every part of Clarke she normally wouldn’t when they were hooking up.

Lexa started to slowly thrust out of her, only to slam back in. She repeated that action for a while before Clarke moaned out, “Faster.”

Lexa untangled herself from around Clarke and planted her hands on either side of Clarke’s hips as she picked up her pace.

_“Fuck.”_ Clarke moaned upon the change pace and angle. She could already feel her orgasm coming, it’s been too long.

Lexa grabbed a hold of Clarke’s knees and drew them up into the air and then planted both of her hands on her thighs. Lexa movements started to become more frantic because she could feel her balls start to tighten. She needed to make Clarke come first before she did so she removed her hand from her thigh and rubbed her clit in tight circles. She watched as Clarke arched her back and let out a loud moan and her walls clenched down on her dick. There was no way Lexa was going to last and before she had time to pull out, she spilled her cum into Clarke. Lexa was breathing hard when they finished and went to lay down by Clarke.

“That was amazing.” Clarke said with a dreamy smile.

Lexa was breathing hard when she answered, “Wanna go again?”

This was the dance they did and they did it well. It was so easy to forget everything and just be wrapped up with each other. They knew that being physical probably wasn’t a great idea but so much talking has happened between them, they wanted to say everything they didn’t through their actions. This was the dance they did well and it made them sweat, cry out and claw at each other backs. They did this dance for the rest of the night.

When Lexa awoke, she knew she had packing to do. She quickly got out of bed and went over to her suitcase. Lexa figured she could just throw everything in her suitcase and call it a day. Everything more or less needed to be washed anyways. She looked around the room when she was done and realized Clarke wasn’t in bed.

“Clarke?” Lexa called out.

“In here.” She called back.

There was breakfast ready for Lexa when she walked out of the room and she was thankful for it, she was hungry.

“I was going to take a bath since we are leaving soon. Care to join me?” Clarke asked as she took a bite of her bacon and Lexa glanced at the clock. It was eleven in the morning and their flight didn’t leave until two in the afternoon.

“Really?”

“Yeah.” Clarke replied and Lexa nodded happily. They quickly finished up eating and Clarke went to draw the bath, she stopped when she saw clothes throw all in Lexa’s suitcase.

“Really? This is how you are packing?” Clarke shook her head with a smirk.

“It worked, didn’t it? I just need to close it.” Lexa said back as she got undressed. Her dick was flaccid as she walked into the bathroom and waited for the bath to be ready. Clarke added some bubbled into it and took her clothes off, jumping into the bath. Lexa closed the door and joined her.

They were cleaning each other for the most part. There were a few (many) inappropriate touches here and there until Lexa couldn’t hide the fact that she was hard. Clarke quickly caught onto this and straddled her hips. She didn’t say anything as she wordlessly leaned in to kiss her. Lexa kissed her back and wrapped her hands around Clarke’s back and pulled her close. She unconsciously thrusted her hips up, wanting some kind of relief. Lexa was glad that there wasn’t as much water as there normally would be and Lexa supposes Clarke did this on purpose.

Clarke wordlessly positioned herself above Lexa’s dick and looked her in the eyes as she sunk down.

_“Ohh.”_ Lexa breathed as Clarke sunk all the way down onto her. Clarke leaned back in to kiss her as she started to bounce on her dick. Clarke put her hands on Lexa’s shoulders to steady herself. Lexa had her hands on Clarke’s hips to guide her as Clarke greedily took in her dick. Lexa sunk down into the bath a little bit and was grateful that the bath had a built-in pillow she could rest her head against. She planted both of her feet on the bottom of the rub and started thrusting up into Clarke.

Lexa was deep inside her and Clarke kissed the side of her neck, biting down. Lexa hissed as she pounded up into Clarke. Clarke leaned down and kissed Lexa, long and hard. Lexa buried her face in Clarke’s neck as she felt her orgasm near. Clarke started thrusting down every time Lexa thrusted up and Lexa couldn’t help but moan.

_“I’m gonna cum.”_ Clarke moaned in her ear and Lexa groaned.

_“Me too.”_

The water was swooshing around them and some of it was even coming out of the tub but that wasn’t stopping Lexa from rutting into Clarke. Clarke was the first to come and Lexa followed her, shooting her load into her. Clarke leaned down and planted a kiss on Lexa’s lips before she slowly removed herself from her dick.

“We should probably get cleaned up and get out.” Clarke said and Lexa agreed.

It wasn’t long before it was time to leave Hawaii. Lexa was sporting a frown and a tan as she walked through the airport. Clarke was on her shoulder and Lexa was ecstatic. She was looking forward to going home and starting the next chapter in her life but she also wasn’t looking forward to talking to Ontari but she supposes she will do it, if it means she can be with Clarke. Clarke and Lexa held hands the whole plane ride home.


	11. Chapter 11

Lexa glared across the table from Ontari. She doesn’t mean to or maybe she does. Ontari was way too excited to come meet her at their local coffee shop. Lexa didn’t want to do this but Clarke knew she was here and she knew Clarke was waiting on what was going to happen. Lexa already knew what was going to happen, she doesn’t want to be with Ontari.

“So, you’ve been ignoring me. I thought we had something good.” Ontari said as she stirred her coffee and took a sip. Lexa almost rolled her eyes but thought better of it. She really doesn’t want to be rude to this girl but it was hard when all she did was bug her.

“You do realize that I’m kinda with Clarke now.” Lexa pointed out.

“Kinda?” Ontari asked with a smirk.

“We are working on it.” Lexa said quietly.

“See, if you were with me, we wouldn’t have anything to work on.” Ontari tried to reason and Lexa was having a hard time keeping her emotions in.

“Ontari, I don’t want to be with you.” Lexa said straightforward.

“We went on a date.” Ontari said desperately.

“Yes! One date and I’ll never regret sleeping with you but it has caused a lot of problems between me and Clarke and I can’t do this.” Lexa said.

“Why?” Ontari huffed.

“You’re not her,” Lexa murmured out as she looked up at Ontari. She noticed hurt flash across her face and for a minute, she felt sorry but she forced that feeling away. “My loyalty is to her. When I met you, I wasn’t in the right mindset. But that’s changed. I’m sorry, Ontari but you have to stop texting me. Lose my number in fact.” Lexa said as she glared across the table at the girl and Ontari gaped at her.

“I was trying to win you back. I know we went on one date but we could’ve had something special.” Ontari said.

“Maybe. But, we will never find out because I’m with Clarke and I’ll always be with her,” Lexa said. “I should go. Please, don’t text me anymore. Us being friends isn’t a good idea.”

“Fine,” Ontari grumbled. “Hope you have fun with the girl who broke your heart.” She said with bite but Lexa ignored her and kept on walking out the shop. The first place she was headed to was to go see Clarke and tell her that Ontari shouldn’t be a problem anymore.

A few weeks have passed and Clarke would say things are looking up for her and Lexa. They have been talking every day and hanging out. They talked about what they did in Hawaii and they were both relieved that neither one of them regretted it. Clarke was well into her medical school and she was nervous. On the first morning before class, she threw up. She doesn’t think she’s ever been this nervous before. Lexa had started her law school and so far, she seemed to be loving it and Clarke was happy for her. Lexa had talked to Ontari a couple days after they got back and from what Lexa told her, she told her to stop texting her and to leave her alone. Lexa said she would have done that even if it didn’t bother Clarke, she was getting annoyed.

Clarke woke up, ready to take on another day of interning for a few hours then medical school after. She got assigned to a resident (It wasn’t her mom, they wanted to be fair) and she got her light blue scrubs. She would do paper work on patients but most of the time, she was stationed in the ER with other interns. Clarke loved it so far, since she hasn’t completed medical yet, there wasn’t a whole lot she did but she was still helping out and proved to be knowing what she was doing. Clarke was excited for the days to come where she could actually operate on a patient.

Clarke got out of bed and quickly headed to the bathroom after she felt her stomach turn and she doubled over in front of her toilet and threw up. She doesn’t know why she keeps throwing up but she keeps chalking it up to her nerves. Clarke brushed her teeth once she finished throwing up and hopped into the shower to start her day

Clarke was currently in the middle of practicing her stitches on a banana. There were about six other interns with her and her resident, Dr. Johnson, watching over them. Clarke was getting ready to put her last stitch in when she felt her stomach churn and she knew what that meant. She had just finished lunch with some of her fellow interns and she was afraid she was getting ready to see it again.

“I’m sorry. Can I be excused?” Clarke said in a rush and she felt her vomit coming. Dr. Johnson saw the sweat forming on Clarke’s brow and nodded quickly. Clarke carefully put her things down and made a beeline to the lady’s room. When she finished emptying the contents of her stomach, she opened the stall door and was surprised to find Dr. Johnson there. She was a pretty lady, a little taller than her and she had long, blonde hair like hers but she kept it straight.

“So, how far along are you?” Clarke frowned deeply at hearing that question. What was she on about? At Clarke’s frown, Dr. Johnson continued. “Oh, you are not fooling me. You’ve been excusing yourself for the past two weeks to come in here and throw up. Something is telling me it’s not nerves. So, how far along are you?”

It clicked in Clarke’s mind at what her resident was referring too and she bulked.

“I’m-I’m not pregnant!” Clarke all but shouted with a horrified look on her face. There was no way she could be pregnant. But, then again, she could be. It would make sense why she keeps throwing up early in the morning and right after she eats something her stomach doesn’t agree with. She remembers Lexa’s cumming into her twice and Clarke’s eyes widened. There was no way she could be pregnant, could she? This would be absurd. They weren’t ready for a baby. Things were finally going right between them and they haven’t really had sex since Hawaii, they opted for just hanging out and seeing how things go. Clarke being pregnant could ruin everything she was going for. Not just with Lexa but becoming a surgeon, going to med school and completing her residency program. If she’s pregnant, that could ruin everything not to mention, she is nowhere near ready to have a baby, mentally and physically.

“Hey, we can take some tests if you want.” Her resident said softly while placing a hand on her shoulder and Clarke quickly shoot it off.

“No, because I’m not pregnant.” Clarke said stubbornly and walked out.

Clarke woke up again to emptying her stomach hand she was honestly getting sick of it. Why was she throwing up? _You could be pregnant_ , she told the voice inside her head to shut up. She can’t be pregnant. What is she going to do with a baby? She’s never really thought about it. She knows her forever is Lexa but having a baby with her could ruin that. There was no way she could be pregnant and she kept telling herself that.

She would act normal when she went to hang out with Lexa. They would sit and watch movies and sometimes even make out. Clarke didn’t want to ruin the happy bliss that they have fallen into but Clarke was starting to get curious herself. She kept telling herself it was nerves and maybe the first few days, it was but it’s been two weeks and she’s still throwing up. So, instead of taking a shower, she ran downstairs to Raven’s room to see if she was up. it was seven in the morning and Clarke needed to talk to someone about this.

“Hmm?” Raven mumbled sleepily after being shaken.

“Raven, get up.” Clarke said as she shook Raven again and she popped her head up.

“There better be a good reason why you are waking me up.” Raven grumbled and Clarke wanted to cry but she forced herself not to.

“I think I might be pregnant.” Clarke whispered out. At that, Raven shot up from her bed with wild her and wide eyes.

“Shut up!” Raven exclaimed.

“I’m serious, Rae. Even my resident thinks so, I told her I’m not but I’m not sure anymore. Could you come with me to get some test?” Raven was out of bed in a flash. Throwing clothes on, brushing her hair, brushing her teeth and spraying some smells goods on.

“Of course.”

Raven drove down to the pharmacy and Clarke felt so out of place when she grabbed three tests. She had no idea what she was going to do if she was pregnant.

Octavia was up by the time they got back home and there was no point in trying to hide what they were doing and Raven quickly filled her in on what was happening. Clarke was currently in the bathroom and the two of them were waiting on Clarke’s bed. When Clarke emerged from the bathroom, they both stood up.

“We have another two minutes.” Clarke informed them.

“What are you going to do if it’s positive?” Octavia asked.

“I don’t know.” Clarke chewed on her bottom lip.

“What are you going to do if it’s negative?” Raven asked.

“I don’t know!” Clarke stressed.

She has no idea what she would do if it was positive or negative. She knows she would have to talk to Lexa no matter what the outcome of the test is. A part of her was nervous too and she knows she needs to be at the hospital any second now but she needed to do this first. She needed to see if it was actually real or not. She knows she wants to talk to Lexa about this whole ordeal but she honestly had no idea what she would say to her if it was positive. A part of her (A huge part of her) wants it to be negative. They weren’t ready for this, Clarke knew that. This wouldn’t make them closer together, if anything it might put a strain on their relationship. They have been doing good these past few weeks after the whole Ontari thing and Clarke is in a good place with Lexa right now. Being pregnant could ruin it all. Clarke was interrupted by her timer going off and she looked up at her friends in horror.

“I’ll go see what it is.” Raven stated as Octavia stayed by Clarke’s side. Clarke waited until Raven came out of the bathroom, face blank, waiting to receive the news that could either break her or make her.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Now, before you guys kill me. I would really like your thoughts on this chapter, I'm sure I'm going to get them anyway. I had this idea since I started the story and I want to know what you guys think about it.


	12. Important Note

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> PLEASE READ

I know I just posted chapter 11 and the feedback you guys have given me has been great. I know a large portion of people probably haven't ready chapter 11 yet but I've already made up my mind. I'm not going to get Clarke pregnant because you guys are right, it's overused. It was the route I wanted to go because I guess it was just the easiest. I'm going to continue this story until the end and I hope you guys come along with me. There will still be plot. I want their dream jobs to play a big part in this fic. But this is a smut fic and I know a lot of you are happy about that. I will keep the smut, in fact, almost every chapter I have planned out has it. There will be lots of sin on top of them working everything out. I hope you guys can stick with me on this decision. I don't want to be like other fics and no disrespect to them, I just want to give you guys something different.


	13. Another Note

Alright, I know you guys are probably sick of me. This is the last note I'll put out and then I'm going to start writing again. Please, comment down below if you want me to do this or not. I can go the adoptive/abortion route if you guys want. It would be something that I would tackle with sensitivity and consider all of you guys' emotion. Now, I don't have to go this route at all. We can all forget about this whole pregnancy thing but the whole abortion/adoptive thing is interesting to me because no one really wants to write it and I feel like I could (not to sound cocky) please tell me what you guys think and like I said no matter what I will continue with this story. I don't want to put out another unplanned pregnancy story, I want to spice it up for you guys. So, please kindly tell me your thoughts. 


	14. The talk

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Clarke and Lexa talk about what happened. They finally go on a date and of course, there is smut.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm not going the abortion/adoptive route. I have a lot of story ideas when it comes to Clexa and I'm going to write them all, just not yet. For those of you who were saying it's my story and I can do what I want, I understand you but it wouldn't be fair to you guys to do that in the middle of the story. I'm completely fine not taking the pregnancy route, I'm definitely going to write more fics in the future and maybe I'll tackle on that idea. I already have another fic out and it's called Give Me One More Night and I think I'm just going to focus on these two right now. Sorry for the confusion haha. I love to write and a huge part of it, is for me and the other part of it is for you guys. I don't want to repeat and take the easy way out. We all know that they have a lot of problems to work on and that is what this story is going to be about. I'm going to go back to how I was originally writing this story which is smut-based. I like to write smut and I want to share it with you guys. Thank you so much for your comments, I read them all, I know I didn't reply but I read them and I don't ever regret asking for you guys' input. You guys are the ones who read this fic and I'm going to take a lighter approach on this fic and focus on the heavy stuff in the fics I write later. Thank you guys so much for understanding and with that being said, the whole point of this story is smut and them working on their feelings for each other. This story will remain how it is and there is even smut in this chapter so enjoy!

It hit Clarke later on that day, she was doubled over in pain and couldn’t help but cry out. Raven immediately appeared in her door way.

“Clarke!” She called out, worried.

“I know why I’m vomiting so much and why my stomach hurts. It has to be the stomach flu. It has to be something I’m eating.” Clarke said miserably.

“Should I take you to the hospital? Should I move you? Should I call Lexa?” Raven was already positioned to help her up.

“No,” Clarke said seriously. “Don’t call her.”

Raven nodded even though it looked like she wanted to say something. Raven slowly helped Clarke off the ground.

“Well, what have you being eating?” Raven asked the obvious question and Clarke shrugged. Clarke doesn’t really think about the things she eats, she just eats them.

“I don’t need to go to the hospital. Just take me to bed,” Clarke felt her stomach churn. “Never mind, take me to the bathroom.”

Raven quickly walked over to the bathroom and turned the light on.

“Which end is it from?” Raven asked, not caring about how gross it is. Her best friend is in pain and she wants to help.

“Both!” Clarke rushed out as she sat down on the toilet. Raven didn’t want to be in there to witness Clarke destroy the bathroom so she patiently waited outside and decided to call Lexa even though Clarke didn’t want her too.

“Hello?” Lexa answered the phone.

“Hey, are you done with class yet? I understand if you aren’t but Clarke has the stomach flu and I thought it would be wise to call you. You know how she gets when she gets sick.” Raven said into the phone.

“I have another class after this I can’t get out of so maybe after I’m done, which won’t be til 4:30. How bad is it?” Lexa asked worriedly.

“It’s coming out of both ends.” Raven said with a cringe.

“Oh, wow. Well, maybe I can pick her up some soup on my way there. Don’t tell her I’m coming, I want it to be a surprise.”

“Got it. Thanks, Lexa.”

“You’re welcome.”

* * *

 

Clarke was currently taking a nap when Lexa walked into the apartment. Octavia and Raven were at work and Lexa used the hidden key under the welcome mat. She went to the kitchen after she picked up some chicken soup from the bakery down the street. She also picked up Clarke a dozen of roses, hoping that would lift her spirits. Lexa took her shoes off by the front door and took off her jacket. Lexa also picked herself up some food because she was starving after class. She made her way upstairs and to Clarke’s room to find her sleeping. Her face was pale and she was wrapped up in her comforter.

“Clarke.” Lexa whispered softly as she set the food down by the bed and gently shook Clarke. Clarke woke up immediately and gave her a confused but soft look upon seeing her.

“Raven called me.” Lexa said as a way of explanation.

“I didn’t want you to come because you could get it too.” Clarke said groggily.

“To Hell if I get it. My baby doesn’t feel good.” Lexa blurted out and her eyes widened when she realized what she just said. They haven’t called each other by any pet names and Lexa knows that Clarke used to call her ‘baby’ from time to time (mostly when she wanted sex) but she has stopped doing that. Clarke smiled upon the term of endearment and got up slowly.

“What have you been eating?” Lexa asked as she looked over her.

“I don’t know. I know there are certain things that could trigger a stomach flu like chicken, meat and cole-” Clarke didn’t finish her sentence when it dawned on her that she has been eating coleslaw, and a lot of it. She added it to her diet a couple weeks ago, oddly around the same time that she started throwing up. Clarke doesn’t know how she could be so stupid as to not see this. That’s the only thing that has changed when it came to her diet. Coleslaw doesn’t always give you a stomach flu, she knows this. A lot of people eat coleslaw without any problems.

“You think it’s the coleslaw?” Lexa asked.

“It has to be. I’ve still been eating it and I guess that’s why I’m throwing up so much and been having stomach problems. I had some the other day and was in the bathroom for a while.” Clarke said.

“I’m sorry but look, I got you flowers.” Lexa said cutely and Clarke smiled as much as she could at her.

“You are too sweet,” Clarke said and then her expression got serious. “I’ve been throwing up for the past two weeks.” Clarke admitted.

“Why didn’t you tell me?” Lexa asked and Clarke took in a huge breath before letting it out.

“I thought I was pregnant,” Clarke whispered and Lexa’s eyes widened. “I’m not!” Clarke said upon seeing Lexa’s shocked expression.

“I swear, I’m not but, it was the only thing I could think of. My resident even thought I was pregnant but I’m not. I took a pregnancy test, three of them. They all came out negative.” Lexa audibly sighed at that. She didn’t know what she would do if Clarke would have been pregnant.

“Do you still want to go to the doctors?” Lexa asked quietly as she got off of the bed.

“No. I can ride it out here, I know what’s going on now. I’m gonna need to stay home until I get it out of my system,” Clarke said. “Lexa,” She pleaded.

“What if you were pregnant. Have you not been taking your pills?” Lexa asked calmly.

“I didn’t. I didn’t think we were going to have sex, Lexa, I honestly didn’t.”

“What would we have done? We aren’t ready for that.” Lexa stressed.

“I know, Lexa. I know we aren’t but I’m not pregnant, I swear.” Clarke said.

“I know I’m just,” Lexa let out a little groan and sat on the bed with her head in her hands. “I’m not ready for that.” Lexa let out softly.

“Me neither. We both aren’t but it was a close call and I’m glad it came out negative. I mean, things have been going great for us but we still have a lot of issues and bringing a baby into the mix, would have fucked things up.” Clarke said.

“It would have. You are on the pill, right?” Lexa asked to clarify.

“Yes. I wouldn’t lie about that. Hawaii took us by surprise and we could’ve planned better for that but I’m on the pill right now as we speak. There aren’t any chances of me getting pregnant. We should focus on our careers and then maybe, one day, we could.” Clarke said seriously.

“Do you want kids?” Lexa asked.

“I don’t know. I was scared when I thought I was pregnant, so I guess the answer is no,” Clarke said honestly. “What about you?”

“I haven’t really thought about it. I would say no, not really but that could change. Who knows, maybe we will have kids one day. Maybe, we won’t.” Lexa said and she was glad that they were having this conversation and she was glad Clarke told her the truth.

“That sounds like a good enough answer to me.” Clarke said through a yawn.

“Hey, maybe I can go downstairs to let you sleep? I know stomach flus can be very contagious and I should let you get some rest. Are you hungry? I brought some soup.” Lexa asked.

“That soup is actually making me nauseous. I should just stick with crackers and those aren’t even staying down.” Clarke said with a sad expression and Lexa so badly wanted to go over and hug her.

“Oh, okay. But, I wanted to ask you something and we are prone to never really do things the way they should be so I guess I’m just going to ask you,” Lexa started and Clarke stayed silent, waiting for Lexa to continue. “Will you go on a date with me?”

There Clarke was, in what she was sure, her most hideous state. There Clarke was sweating and with a fever. There Clarke was, vulnerable and open. There Clarke was, in her ugliest state and Lexa still managed to want to go out with her. They have been hanging out but it was clear that they weren’t dates and Lexa wanted to take Clarke out somewhere nice and then maybe go for a walk along the beach. Lexa wanted to take this a step further but still without really labeling the.

“Yes.” Clarke said emotionally and Lexa really wanted to hug her but thought otherwise. So, she settled for a smile.

“Score! Alright, I’ll be downstairs if you need anything.” Lexa said and Clarke nodded sadly.

* * *

 

Clarke was currently enjoying what she thought was the most expensive meal of her life. Lexa went too far with the date planning and Clarke was trying to figure out how she was going to top this. Lexa took her out to what Clarke thought to be the most expensive restaurant and then later wanted to go down to the beach. They brought comfortable clothes to change into later, if they wanted. Clarke was wearing an elegant black dress and Lexa was in a suit and she opted to take her jacket off while she ate. Lexa looked absolutely stunning in the suit and all Clarke can think about is ripping her clothes off. They laughed and talked about anything and everything on their date and Lexa felt so relaxed and at ease. This is all she has wanted from the beginning and now it was finally happening. She knows they haven’t worked everything out yet but they are trying and that’s all that matters to her.

Once they finished their meal, Lexa paying for it, of course. They headed down to the beach. Clarke stayed in her dress and Lexa in her suit but she took her tie off before they walked down. It was currently ten o’clock at night and barely anyone was here, in fact, no one was there. Lexa brought two blankets down with them. She laid out one blanket and sat down with Clarke and covered them up with the other.

It brought them back to the last time they were at the beach and they were glad that the air wasn’t thick around them even though, there was still a big elephant in the room.

“I still can’t believe there was a chance you could’ve been pregnant.” Lexa said as she looked out into the ocean.

“Me neither. Even though I’m not pregnant. I’m glad that you were still supportive of me. I mean, you could have just walked out right then and there and I know you said you aren’t ready but neither am I.” Clarke said back.

“I’m glad it was just the stomach flu.” Lexa said. Clarke had been recovering fine these past few weeks and was up and running again.

“Me too. It would’ve messed up everything and I’m not saying that I don’t want to have sex with you because I do. I don’t think I could give that up.” Clarke said with a smirk and Lexa smiled back at her.

“Oh, yeah?” Lexa asked as she climbed on top of Clarke and kissed her and Clarke kissed her back. Lexa immediately started lifting Clarke’s dress up.

“Wait, wait. On the beach?” Clarke asked unsure.

“What it’s not like anyone is here and it’s dark out and we have a blanket covering us and you’re on the pill. I’ll just lift your dress up. I can just pull my pants down halfway.” Lexa reasoned as she started kissing Clarke’s neck.

“Okay.” Clarke said as she lowered herself down on the blanket and Lexa unbuckled her pants and pulled them down halfway, along with her boxers. Clarke lifted herself up and Lexa slid her panties off and lifted her dress up to her waist. Clarke got comfortable under Lexa and reached down to stroke her dick a few times. Lexa bit her lip to hold back a moan.

“You have to be quiet,” Lexa said even though she was the one trying to hold back the moans but she knows how loud Clarke can get. “I mean it Clarke. We are in public.”

Clarke nodded, “I’ll be quiet.”

Clarke was certainly not quiet. The minute Lexa entered her, she let out a loud moan and Lexa stopped to look down at her.

“I know, I know. I’m sorry.” Clarke said in a whisper and Lexa held back with all her might. She really wanted to do this. She’s never had sex on the beach and she wants to do it with Clarke but she knows if Clarke doesn’t be quiet they could get caught. There was no one around them right now but that could change.

Lexa looked over at Clarke’s soaked underwear and got an idea. She wordlessly lifted them up and gestured to her mouth. Clarke got the hint and her eyes lighted up as she nodded. Lexa crumbled her panties up in a ball and Clarke opened her mouth. The fact that they weren’t talking about what was happening made it ten times hotter. Lexa shoved Clarke’s panties into her mouth and Clarke bit down on it, moaning quietly when she tasted herself. Lexa quickly got to work and started thrusting into Clarke and Lexa could her Clarke’s muted cries but she wasn’t going to stop.

She held onto one of her thighs and pounded into her. She reached down to cup one of her breasts when she heard people approaching. Lexa stopped what she was doing but didn’t pull out. From what she could make out from the street lights, it was a couple walking down to the beach. They were ways away from them and Lexa decided to continue.

“There are people here and if I hear you moan, I’m going to stop.” Lexa warned and Clarke nodded vigorously.

Lexa continued her previous actions. She could hear the couple talking about this and that but she wasn’t paying them any attention. She was covered for the most part. It honestly looked like Lexa was just laying on top of Clarke but if someone were to look down at their private regions, they would see Lexa humping Clarke desperately. Lexa had both her hands on either side of Clarke’s head and made sure not to thrust to hard into her because she didn’t want their skin to slap against each other because she didn’t want the couple to hear it.

Lexa was having a hard time with it though. She would give anything to pound Clarke out right now but she knows she has to keep her thrusts light enough for them not to be heard. She felt Clarke reach down and grab a hold of her balls and she growled, maybe a little too loudly, but the couple was still far away.

Lexa wanted to tell Clarke to let them go but she figured two can play this game. Lexa snuck down and started rubbing at Clarke’s clit and Lexa watched as Clarke’s eyes widened before they slammed shut. Lexa smiled to herself, satisfied, until she felt Clarke squeeze her balls. She was getting ready to let out a groan when she remembered that they weren’t alone.

Lexa wanted to pack up shop and finish this in her car but they were too far gone and Lexa was close and she could tell Clarke was too. Clarke looked so hot with her panties shoved in her mouth that Lexa picked up her speed. It was still light enough for them not to be heard but it was faster than what she was doing before and Clarke squeezed her balls encouragingly and Lexa felt herself nearing the end and was having a hard time being quiet herself. Clarke’s walls were squeezing around her shaft and her hand was squeezing around her balls and Lexa looked down and they locked eyes. She bent down for a kiss and whispered.

_“I’m gonna cum.”_

And Clarke nodded because she was too. Lexa so badly wanted to pull out and spill her load over Clarke’s stomach but she wanted to finish Clarke off first. The second Clarke finished, Lexa quickly pulled her dick out and pumped it until her cum started coming out squirt after squirt.

Lexa quickly pulled her pants up and removed Clarke’s panties from her mouth, they were soaked.

“Do you just not want to wear them?” Lexa asked quietly and Clarke shook her head.

“I want you to take me home.” Clarke said with a devilish look on her face and Lexa quickly agreed. They both gathered themselves respectfully and made their way back to Lexa’s car. They both couldn’t wait to go home so they could be as loud as they want.


	15. Body Massage

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Clarke and Lexa talk some more about the pregnancy scare. Clarke gives Lexa a body massage.

Clarke and Lexa were walking side by side out of the coffee shop. Clarke had called her up that morning and asked if she wanted to grab a coffee before her first class and Lexa jumped at the opportunity to see her girl-. No wait, they aren’t there yet. She was happy to see her… Clarke. That’s really the only way she can describe her. It’s more progress than they made since the beginning of them sleeping together.

They rounded a corner and Lexa saw a couple, a fairly young couple, maybe even younger than them. What Lexa was assuming was the mom holding a crying baby while the dad was behind the mom, trying to console the baby. Lexa watched on with a grimace she didn’t mean to have but she couldn’t help it. This baby was letting out wretched cries and Lexa dragged Clarke faster to the car.

“What’s going on?” Clarke chuckled as she got into the passenger side.

“That baby,” Was all Lexa said and the mood in the car shifted. Lexa didn’t mean to let that happen, or maybe she did. “I still think about it, you know.” She said quietly.

“That’s a normal thing to think about. I mean, that could’ve been us back there, having no idea what we are doing.” Clarke said as Lexa started the car.

“We didn’t use protection on our date.” Lexa let out what was bothering her and Clarke furrowed her brows.

“I told you I’m on the pill.”

“That doesn’t one hundred percent guarantee you won’t get pregnant. There’s still a chance you could.” Lexa reasoned.

“So, what, you want to start using condoms? We never use those.” Clarke said and Lexa stayed silent. She decided to drive off so she could drop Clarke back home.

“I’m not saying we should use condoms. I just- I don’t know.” Lexa huffed out annoyed.

“Wow, you really don’t want kids.” Clarke hummed.

“It’s not that,” Lexa said and then corrected herself. “Okay, it is that but I don’t know, we were so caught up in the moment and maybe we shouldn’t have had intercourse so close to your pregnancy scare.”

“So, you don’t want to have sex with me?” Clarke asked a little hurt.

“That’s not what I’m saying! I’m just thinking out loud here. We should’ve been more responsible. I know you said you were on the pill but maybe I shouldn’t have jumped your bones so soon. I don’t know, I just feel guilty because zero parts of me wants a baby and all the parts of me wants to be active with you.” Lexa explained and Clarke softened at that.

“We don’t have to have sex. We can do oral or something. Or just not have sex at all. If you want to take a time-out with the sex, then we can. I understand you Lexa. It’s a scary thing to think about when you really think about it. We get so caught up in the moment and we don’t think and maybe we should even though I’m on the pill. The pull-out method isn’t always effective.” Clarke suggested and Lexa shrugged.

“I guess that could work. Just for a little bit. I want to be active with you but I’m afraid and dammit! I’m acting like such a pussy right now.” Lexa scolded herself.

“No, you aren’t,” Clarke said as she rubbed Lexa’s shoulders. “I understand where you are coming from and even though we are both twenty-five, we aren’t ready for that and as long as we know that, it’s okay. We can go at whatever pace is comfortable for you.”

“I can’t believe I just gave up sex.” Lexa grumbled annoyed.

“We can still do oral, if you want.” Clarke suggested and Lexa felt tingles just thinking about it. Clarke was a goddess with that mouth of hers. She can give up intercourse for a little bit but she’s not giving up oral.

“Yeah, that could work.”

* * *

 

Lexa let out a low groan as Clarke massaged over her dick which was odd because there was a little white towel covering it. Lexa was sprawled out on her bed with Clarke off to her side. She has just finished massaging and oiling the back side of her.

Clarke was knees deep into this massage. It’s been three weeks. Three _long_ weeks since she and Lexa had sex and Clarke was struggling with it. They haven’t gone out on a second date yet. Things between them have been a little weird. Clarke doesn’t really know how to act around Lexa. She feels as if they had finally taken the first big step, which was going out on a date, to take three big steps back, which was no sex. But, she would respect whatever Lexa wanted because she has the same fears too. She didn’t think those fears would ever stop them from having sex but it did and Clarke can understand why but she hates it.

Lexa invited her over because she knew Anya would be out tonight with Raven. Clarke was trying anything to get her hands on Lexa sexually but to no avail. They would make out, only for Lexa to pull away before things got hot and heavy and Clarke suggested a full-body massage and Lexa couldn’t deny that she wanted one. Clarke made her strip down and to avoid any inappropriate touching, they covered her dick up with a towel. It wasn’t a problem while Clarke was working on her back, kneading and getting all the knots out of her back. She turned her over once she was finished with her back to work on her front and Clarke was seeing how this was a bad idea. She mostly massaged her legs, trying with all her might to not touch Lexa’s flaccid dick. She’s seen it twitch a few times when she rubs over a particular sensitive spot and she smirked. Lexa eyes were close and she was completely still. Clarke contemplated whether or not she should massage her top half. She promises she won’t touch Lexa’s boobs or her dick but she already broke that promise.

She brushed her hand over Lexa’s dick on top of the towel and she didn’t feel sorry for it. Lexa let out a groan and she did it again.

“Clarke.” Lexa warned lowly but her eyes were still closed. Clarke could see Lexa’s dick starting to rise and she got excited. She rubbed her hand over her dick once more before she snatched the towel off of her.

“Clarke!” Lexa squeaked as her eyes popped open and they were a dark green. Clarke knows she’s turning Lexa on and she’s not going to stop.

“What?” She asked with an innocent smile. Lexa went to go get the towel but Clarke stopped her.

“This isn’t sex,” Clarke said and Lexa relaxed her body. “If you really want me to stop, then I will.” Clarke could see how hard Lexa was thinking about this.

“We don’t have to have sex but I could suck your dick,” Clarke said and Lexa let out a little whine. “I miss sucking your dick, Lexa. The way you moan when I circle the head of your dick. The way it stretches in my mouth. The taste of it. _God,_ Lexa, _please_ , let me suck it.” Clarke could see that Lexa was still thinking about it.

“It isn’t sex.” Lexa said and Clarke nodded.

“It isn’t. I’ll just suck your dick. That’s it.” Clarke said and almost cried out when Lexa nodded. Clarke leaned down and kissed Lexa. Lexa licked Clarke’s lip and Clarke immediately opened her mouth to let Lexa’s tongue in. She was getting ready to straddle her hips when she realized that wouldn’t be a good idea because their private parts would be way to close for two people who aren’t going to have sex.

Clarke broke the kiss and kissed down Lexa’s body. Stopping at her breasts and taking a nipple in her mouth and sucked. She ran her tongue back and forth over her nipple until Clarke felt Lexa’s hardness against her. Clarke leaned down to see Lexa standing at her full eight and a half inches. Clarke grinned to herself, she missed Lexa’s dick and couldn’t wait to have it in her mouth. She detached her lips from Lexa’s boobs after showing them the proper attention and settled herself between Lexa’s legs. She spread them so she had enough room and was comfortable.

Lexa couldn’t keep still to save her life. Clarke put her hands on each of her thighs to stop her from grinding up. Clarke finally leaned down and took the head of Lexa’s dick into her mouth. Lexa let out what sound like a mix between a growl and a whine and Clarke took more of her length into her mouth. She was caressing her thighs as her lips met the base of Lexa’s dick. Clarke didn’t move, she didn’t think she could. It takes a lot out of her to take all of Lexa into her mouth. Lexa was _huge_ not just in length but her dick was thick too. Lexa wanted to so badly thrust her hips up but she knew that Clarke had her whole length in her mouth without choking. She was sure if she jerked her hips up, Clarke would choke on her dick.

Clarke slowly came up on Lexa’s dick only to slowly take all of her again and Lexa let out a moan. Clarke came up again and this time, she circled the head of Lexa’s dick and Lexa let out a whine.

Lexa got an idea halfway through Clarke sucking her dick. She was surprise she was even able to think right now. They’ve never done it and she knows it’s a pretty common position especially since they aren’t having sex. Clarke is doing such an amazing job at sucking her dick and she wants Clarke to feel pleasure too.

“Wait, Clarke. Stop for a second.” Lexa groaned out and Clarke removed her mouth from Lexa’s dick with a wet pop.

“Huh?” Clarke said as she wiped her mouth with the back of her hand.

“Maybe I could eat you out while you suck my dick. You know, like sixty-nine.” Lexa suggested shyly and Clarke smirked.

“Really? You want to do that?” Clarke asked with a hopeful smile.

“Yes! It would be so hot and I want to taste you.” Lexa said and Clarke leaned down to kiss Lexa again. It was a hard kiss and Clarke pulled away to position herself over Lexa. Clarke took her shorts off and underwear off and she put her legs on either side of Lexa’s head and held herself up by Lexa’s side so she was positioned by her dick. Lexa had her legs open for Clarke and so did Clarke.

Lexa was surrounded by all Clarke and she was loving it. Clarke’s butt was in her face but more importantly Clarke’s pussy was too and it was _dripping wet_. Lexa didn’t even wait for Clarke to start, she lifted her head up and Lexa licked through Clarke’s fold. Clarke let out a surprise noise at that and then moaned as Lexa started eating her out. Clarke had one hand on Lexa’s thigh and the other wrapped around the base of her dick and she leaned down and sucked the head of her dick into her mouth. Lexa flicked her tongue against Clarke’s clit and Clarke lifted her hips a bit, her clit was sensitive. It hadn’t been touched in a while and Lexa wasn’t holding back. She was eating her out with abandon and Clarke couldn’t keep the moans from spilling out of her mouth. She loved being intimate with Lexa, no matter what kind of way it is. She loves Lexa’s mouth and she absolutely loves her tongue too which was lapping at the juices flowing out of her.

Clarke sucked Lexa’s dick, bobbing her head up and down as her hand would jerk her off, every so often. Their moans starting to mix in with each other and Clarke didn’t know whose was whose, but she was loving this new-found act of pleasure. They never did this. Sure, they’ve received oral from each other from time-to-time but since they were trying to be more of the safe side, Clarke was determined to come up with ways they could get each other off without having sex.

Lexa wrapped her lips around Clarke’s clit and Clarke released her dick and let out a deep moan. Clarke quickly brought her hand up and started jerking Lexa off as Lexa sucked her clit. Lexa rubbed her folds up and down before she snuck a finger into Clarke. With this position, Lexa was deep inside Clarke and Lexa was reveling. She was so soft, wet, hot and squishy. Lexa curled her finger in and out of Clarke as she lashed her tongue over and over again on Clarke’s clit, sucking it into her mouth.

Clarke was finding it harder and harder to focus on her task at hand. Every time she was getting ready to suck Lexa’s dick again, Lexa would bite down on her clit or slam her finger into her, causing her to throw her head back and call out to the gods. Lexa didn’t show any signs of stopping and she wanted them to come together so Clarke got her act together the best she could and leaned back down to take Lexa’s dick back in her mouth. She licked up the sides of her dick, she licked over the head and she reached down to grab one of her balls, which caused Lexa to bite down on Clarke’s clit again and let out a growl. Clarke smirked to herself, knowing Lexa loved it when she played with her balls and she leaned down to take one in her mouth as she jerked Lexa off. Lexa wasn’t keeping still at all. Clarke wasn’t doing any better. She knows both of them are close.

Clarke was grinding her center down into Lexa’s face and squeezing her hips with her thighs. Lexa was practically humping Clarke’s hand as she sucked her balls into her mouth and by the deep moans coming out of Lexa, she knew she was going to come. Lexa added a second finger to her assault on Clarke’s pussy and curled them both up as she took her clit in her mouth and sucked hard. Clarke couldn’t hold back her impending orgasm any more.

 _“Lexa.”_ She whined out as she clenched down on Lexa’s fingers and came. Clarke was still sucking Lexa’s balls when she felt the first hot squirt of cum against her cheek. Lexa was lapping at Clarke’s juices while jerking her hips up into Clarke’s hand. She let out a growl when she felt her balls tighten and she shot her load against Clarke’s cheek and hand.

Clarke milked Lexa for everything she had until finally, Lexa pushed against her, silently telling her to stop. They were both a mess when they removed themselves from each other. Clarke got off of Lexa carefully as Lexa wiped her mouth from all the juices Clarke released. Clarke had half of Lexa’s cum on her cheek and the other half on her hand. She didn’t even think about it when she brought her hand up to her mouth and licked it clean. Lexa sat there with a shock expression, watching the girl she was in love with greedily licking her cum off of her hand.

“That was awesome.” Lexa said with a glazed over expression.

“It was.” Clarke hummed as she went over to the bathroom and washed her hands and face. When she came back out, she saw Lexa getting dressed and she did the same.

They cuddled up in bed later on watching TV when Clarke spoke, “How’s your head doing?” Lexa had gotten her stitches taken out early that week and Clarke was wondering how she was holding up. She didn’t want to have this conversation, not because she didn’t care how Lexa was doing but because she didn’t want to be reminded about the terrible events that happened in Hawaii.

“It’s better. I feel fine and they said that it healed properly,” Lexa said as she kissed the top of Clarke’s head. “Don’t worry.”

“Well, that’s hard to do now, isn’t it?” Clarke quipped.

“I’m fine.” Lexa rolled her eyes.

“Fine enough to go on a date with me?” Clarke asked shyly. She didn’t think she was going to ask Lexa this now but she didn’t want to wait to ask her any more. She knew she wouldn’t sleep if she didn’t get her answer.

Lexa looked down at her and Clarke looked back up at her with a confident expression. It meant everything to Lexa that Clarke was here with her and now she’s asking her out on a date.

“Of course.” Lexa chocked out. She didn’t want to cry but she couldn’t help that she let a tear slip out.

“Oh no, what’s wrong?” Clarke asked worriedly. “You can say no.”

“No! That’s not it. It’s just I basically told you I don’t want to have sex anymore, at least not yet and here you are asking me out.” Lexa explained.

“No different than when I literally looked like death when you asked me out.” Clarke teased back.

“You didn’t look like death. You looked beautiful,” Lexa frowned. “You always do.” Lexa said as she leaned down to kiss Clarke.

It was soft and long and everything Clarke could ask for. If you had told her two months ago, that she would be cuddled up with Lexa, she would have laughed in your face. They have much more to overcome but she’s proud of the progress that they have made. So, Clarke kissed her back with just as much passion as she could before she pulled away.

“So, do you.” And Clarke is a goner. She always is when it comes to Lexa. She can’t help the sappy things that come out of her mouth because that’s just how she feels. Lexa makes her feel everything and she knows it, she’s in love. That much was clear. So, because she could, she said it.

“I love you.” Clarke whispered against her lips and Lexa let out the biggest smile. Clarke could have cried (She totally did, she let a few tears fall out and Lexa wiped them away). It was such an intimate moment between them and they were happy to share it together.

“I love you too.” Lexa said and Clarke felt her heart swell into her chest.

She knows they aren’t having sex and she doesn’t know when they will again and she’s happy to wait as long as Lexa wants because she wants her to be comfortable. She wants Lexa to want this. She knows Lexa over analyzes everything but she has everything right to over analyze this but would it be so bad to have a family together one day? Clarke doesn’t think so, but she knows she doesn’t want that now. So, she’ll wait for however long she has too.


	16. Condoms

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Short little chapter to get back into the mood of things. I hope you enjoy!

Clarke's heart thudded in her chest as she knocked on Lexa's apartment door. She was met with Anya.

"Hey, she's still getting dressed." Anya explained and Clarke nodded. She was holding a bouquet of flowers, ready to give them to Lexa.

It's been a couple of weeks since they talked about the pregnancy scare. They were both so busy with their impending careers, it was hard to schedule a date with one another. Clarke was more than excited to finally have a whole evening dedicated to just Lexa. She just wanted to take her out to dinner and for a nice walk.

She would be lying if she said that she didn't miss being intimate with Lexa because she does. Clarke was going absolutely crazy without it and was contemplating talking it over through dinner again. She doesn't want to push Lexa but it didn't hurt to try. Clarke was interrupted by her thoughts when she heard footsteps near them. Lexa was wearing a grey button-up and black jeans. It went well with the dark blue dress Clarke was wearing. Lexa smiled wide at seeing Clarke.

"Hey." Lexa greeted.

"Hey, these are for you." Clarke said sweetly and Anya decided to get lost, so they can have a moment alone.

"Thanks, they are so beautiful." They were white lilies. Some of Lexa's favorites.

"Should we get going?" Clarke said and Lexa nodded.

* * *

 

They were enjoying a nice candle-lit dinner while keeping the conversation light. Clarke was thinking more and more about the whole no-sex thing. Lexa was telling her about the law classes she was taking and how much she was enjoying them and Clarke told her about medical school and how well she's doing too.

Clarke was happy that Lexa was enjoying herself, she deserves it. They ate in comfortable silence before Clarke spoke up.

"So, have you thought about the whole no-sex thing?" Clarke asked carefully and Lexa looked up at her. She blew out a breath.

"I did. God, I love school but it's so stressful. I miss pounding you out." Lexa said lowly so other tables wouldn't over hear them and Clarke felt a thrill shoot through her chest.

"Have you thought about the condoms?" Clarke asked. She knows they've spent some time apart and she misses Lexa's body.

"A little bit. I don't see how it would be such a bad thing. Maybe, we could try it." Clarke smiled at that.

"I don't want to pressure you."

"You're not. I miss having sex with you. I'm just going to have to remember them, you know." Lexa said.

"Yeah, I'll remind you or something." Clarke said happily. She was happy they were having this conversation even in the company of others.

"So," Lexa cut into her steak. "If I do buy condoms, when do you want to start?" Lexa asked and Clarke shrugged.

"I'm not sure. I'm going to be busy for the next few weeks so maybe after that?" Clarke asked unsure.

"Yeah, I'm going to be pretty busy too but maybe we can get together one night and you know." Lexa wiggled her eyebrows and Clarke smirked.

"I would love that."

* * *

 

It took more than a few weeks for them to get together again. School was kicking their butts and they were piled high in work. It was clear that they both needed a break and Clarke finally got to head over to Lexa's place.

"Hey." Clarke said as she entered Lexa's bedroom. The lights were off and there were candles lit.

"Wow, it's so romantic in here." Clarke said and Lexa nodded.

"I sure hope so. I bought the condoms." Lexa said and Clarke hummed.

"It's going to feel weird not being able to feel you fully but I can't deny it anymore, Clarke. I want you so bad." Lexa said as she rushed over to Clarke and pulled her in for a kiss. Clarke held onto Lexa as she bit down on her lip. Clarke quickly closed Lexa's bedroom door even though they were alone and lead them over to her bed. She pushed Lexa down and climbed on top of her. Clarke started taking her clothes off and so did Lexa.

"You're so hot." Clarke said as she looked down at Lexa's abs. Lexa smiled and pulled Clarke back in for another kiss.

"I wanna try something." Lexa said once again and Clarke hummed, Lexa always had the best ideas.

"What?" Clarke asked as they both got fully naked.

"Well, first. I want to take you against the wall and then I want to fuck you standing up." Lexa said as she got up and walked over to her nightstand. She opened the drawer and Clarke almost laughed at the amount of condoms spilling out of it.

"I thought we would be very busy tonight." Lexa said shyly and Clarke smirked.

"You got that right." Lexa walked back over to Clarke and she ripped open the condom.

"Let me." Clarke opened her hand out and Lexa placed the condom in it. Clarke placed one hand on Lexa's hip and guided her closer. She gripped Lexa's member and rolled the condom onto it while looking Lexa in the eyes. Lexa leaned back down and kissed Clarke and Clarke immediately slipped her tongue into Lexa's mouth. Clarke was so ready for Lexa and couldn't wait to get fucked.

Lexa stood Clarke up and she pushed her gently against the wall. Clarke wrapped one of her legs around Lexa's hip and guided Lexa closer. Lexa leaned back in to her Clarke and their lips smacked together as Lexa got ready to enter Clarke. She doesn't know why she waited so long to do this. It's been almost two months since they have had full on sex and Lexa couldn't wait to be inside of Clarke, even if she had a barrier blocking them.

Lexa rested her head in Clarke's neck as Clarke held her close. Lexa guided her member into Clarke. It felt weird being inside of Clarke with a condom on but it still felt good and Lexa could still feel Clarke's walls clench around her. Lexa stood with her feet apart and set off to work. She started pumping her hips in and out of Clarke and Clarke held on tight to Lexa so she wouldn't fall.

Lexa was clenching her jaw shut because she didn't think she was going to last that long. She's been so worked up for the past two months and so stressed out with school and she was pumping her dick in and out of Clarke at a fast pace.

Clarke lifted Lexa's head up and smashed their lips together. They kissed and licked and sucked each other lips until Lexa pulled away. She felt it, she was going to cum. She quickly pulled out of Clarke and removed the condom and pumped her dick as she threw her head back. Clarke was standing on shaky legs as she watched Lexa ejaculate in her hand. Lexa was breathing hard when she finished and looked over at Clarke with dark eyes.

"I'm sorry." Lexa apologized. She knew Clarke was nowhere near her orgasm and she pulled out to fast.

"It's okay."

"It's been too long." Lexa replied and Clarke chuckled.

"We can go again." Lexa nodded and walked over to her trash can to throw her used condom away and went to get another one.

"Come here." Lexa said lowly and Clarke walked over to her.

Lexa bent her knees and picked Clarke up with ease. Clarke immediately wrapped her legs around Lexa and Lexa was face to face with Clarke's boobs. Lexa took a nipple in her mouth as she guided her member back into Clarke. Clarke threw her head back as Lexa fully entered her again. Clarke immediately clenched down on her. Lexa thrusted up into Clarke as Clarke thrusted down and she let go of Clarke's nipple with a pop as she looked Clarke into the eyes. They didn't say anything, they just watched each other. Lexa was standing in the middle of her room, holding Clarke up, pounding into her and Clarke couldn't find any words in the English language to describe how hot this was. She could tell Lexa was giving it her all and she was starting to sweat. They both were. Their skin was slapping against each other and Lexa started grunting. She wasn't going to come again, not before Clarke did. Clarke was starting to shake in Lexa's arms and Lexa knew she was close. Lexa bent her knees for better access and slid deeper inside of Clarke.

 _"Lexa."_ Clarke moaned lowly. Clarke cried out as she clenched around Lexa and came. 

 _"Fuck!"_ Lexa quickly pulled out of Clarke and pushed her over to the bed. She pushed Clarke down onto her knees and slid back into her. Clarke cried out again as Lexa started pumping her hips into her.

Lexa was starting to become frantic and she wasn't slowing down, she could feel her orgasm approaching again. She gripped Clarke's hips and thrusted deep inside of her. Clarke was letting out strangled moans and Lexa couldn't hold it back any more. She quickly pulled out of Clarke again and didn't have time to take off her condom before she spilled her load into it. Clarke was breathing hard on the bed and Lexa was breathing hard standing up.

Lexa removed the condom and threw it away. Clarke didn't say anything as she rolled over and looked at Lexa.

"We need to do that more often." She said huskily and Lexa smirked.

"When are you free next?" Lexa asked as she joined Clarke on the bed. They were laying naked together.

"Hmm, I have a couple of test coming up soon, I really want to do good on them so maybe not for another month or so." And Lexa groaned at that.

"Me too. I have a few tests myself and a lot of homework but it's totally going to be worth it." Lexa said and Clarke agreed.

"I can already imagine it. You'll be a lawyer before I'm a doctor." Clarke said and Lexa nodded.

"I know. You have more steps than me but I still have steps myself." Lexa said as she leaned down and kissed Clarke's cheek. Clarke smiled and pulled Lexa close.

"I wish we could just lay like this forever." Clarke said and Lexa nodded.

"It would be nice."

"So, we have to wait another month until we can hook up again?" Lexa then asked.

"We could try to do something in the meantime but I eat, breathe and sleep medical school right now and I know you are doing the same with law school."

"You're right."

"Distance makes the heart grow fonder," Clarke joked. "And the sex more better." Lexa laughed at that. Clarke was right.

"I'm glad we did this though." Lexa said seriously and Clarke nodded.

"Me too. We deserve it, through all the stuff we've been through and the years to come. We are going to be so busy, we might as well make the most of our time." Clarke said.

Lexa couldn't believe she went a whole two months without sex and she had no idea why she did. Well, she knows why she did but she doesn't think she could go back to not having sex with Clarke, even though she's sure she's going to have to wait again for it to happen. But, she'll wait again to have sex with Clarke. Lexa got under the covers with Clarke and they slept the whole night naked and with each other.


	17. Author's note

**Author's note**

 

 

 

I don't even know what to say to you all, but I regret to inform you guys that I will not be finishing this story at all. This is probably the only story I'm not going to finish.

You can hate me all you want to for not wanting to finish it. I don't care. It's my decision to make as the author. I cared deeply about this story and I wouldn't take anything back, but it was a train wreck from start to finish.

I don't know what you want me to do. I've lost all my motivation to write this story and I know it's not going to come back and for that, I'm really sorry about because I feel like I failed you.

But it wasn't fair to leave you guys in the dark for so long because I do have a lot of other fics out.

I'm making this note because I know it isn't fair to some of you who are still waiting for an update because I frequently update the rest of my fics.

I'm really sorry, is all I can say. I do have other stories out and I'm putting out a new one tomorrow.

I also just want to say if you're going to be negative in the comment section (this actually goes for any of my stories from here on out), I'm just going to delete it.

I have so many things going on right now, but yet I still find the time to update my fics frequently. I don't need the negativity right now at all.

So please, respect my decision and I'll still be uploading all my other fics in the meantime.


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